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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my OH when dinners ready

80 replies

APositiveMind · 22/12/2018 18:49

And to let it go cold.
I text him to go to the shop and pick up something nice to cook for tea because it's nearly Christmas and were not spending it together.
He came home with two steaks and some potatoes.
I wondered why he didn't buy any veggies.. so asked "Didn't you get any veg?"
So he responded with "no we have frozen veg in the freezer if you want veg go and buy it your fucking self and not be ungrateful"
I wasn't being ungrateful I just wondered..

So now he's been upstairs for hours, had a 2 hour shower, has been satin the bedroom sulking for another hour.

Aibu to cook tea, eat mine and leave his out. If he wants to stay upstairs and sulk like a 5 year old then I know for a fact he'll smell the food and think I'll call him down whwnbits ready. Think again Mr.

OP posts:
EggysMom · 22/12/2018 20:21

"I am sorry if you thought I was criticising. I didn't realise we had veg in the freezer. I don't want any, but will you want some?"

pallisers · 22/12/2018 20:21

Apologise for asking why he didn't buy vegetables? Seriously?

OP, don't you find it exhausting living like this? I'm exhausted just reading the pettiness of it all.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 22/12/2018 20:25

@eggysmom
That is almost word for word exactly what I said when we sat down to eat. Except I already put veg on my plate too.

He just say "I love you but you wear me down at the moment" excuse me?
I said "love you too, and what do you mean?" He said not me specifically but work and other issues are getting him down.
I said were both as bad as wachither but the next time he speaks to me like that he can cook his own steak and shove it up his arse or give it to the dog.

OP posts:
cariadlet · 22/12/2018 20:27

I think you're both very petty and childish.

When he came in with the bits for dinner you could have just said thanks and maybe asked what he wanted to go with the steak and potatoes.
And before anyone jumps down my throat: yes, I'm a feminist, but it doesn't hurt for one partner to thank the other one for doing something they've asked them to do. It doesn't mean that the woman should be grateful to the man for helping with "her" work.
Instead of that you asked why he didn't get veg which he naturally perceived as criticism. He shouldn't have sworn at you, but try seeing it from his point of view.

When he went upstairs you perceive that as him sulking. He probably thinks of it as getting away from someone who is having a go at him. Neither of you is objectively right or wrong. You just have different perspectives on the situation.

You could have tried to diffuse things by just getting on with cooking dinner, called him when it was ready and then either ignored what had happened and start a fresh conversation or by acknowledging it and suggesting that you don't argue any more and have a nice evening together.

Instead you make snippy comments on here and decide to be passive aggressive. The follow ups make you both sound really childish.

SarahET · 22/12/2018 20:30

@LittleBot178 I hope they're not on a water meter!

My husband seems incapable of saying the words 'I'm sorry' too OP. It's strange, in all other ways he's lovely but he never apologises. The other day he accidentally knelt on my leg in bed, I said oww (it hurt) and instead of saying sorry he said he thought I'd have moved my leg. Bizarre! I'm blaming something in his childhood Grin

sparklepops123 · 22/12/2018 20:31

2 hr shower !! I’d be “ washing up” very quickly, it drives me mad if he’s in there more than 15 min!

Sparklfairy · 22/12/2018 20:32

If he lurked watching me cook his meal like some kind of Lord it would be in the bin.

Insomnibrat · 22/12/2018 20:35

I'd be digging a bit further into what's going on with him tbh. Seems he might be very worried/fed up about something.

(Which in no way excuses his twattish behaviour)

EggysMom · 22/12/2018 20:36

I said "love you too, and what do you mean?"

So, carrying on the argument then.
I know it's not a popular perspective on MumsNet, and many will say that you do right to force him into discussion. But really, is it so hard to just let things go for the same of good mental health, both his and yours?

I have a disabled son, and have to pick my battles as there's no way he'll behave as I expect. I do the same with DH - some things just are not worth the hassle.

sparklepops123 · 22/12/2018 20:41

Oh Yh and my dh talks to the cat like that- makes me want to kick his teeth in

posthistoricmonsters · 22/12/2018 20:50

Because of the stuff I've experienced in my life, and the mental issues I developed as a result, I can't handle being criticised well at all.

And for me, being asked why I didn't get something when I've picked up tea ask requested, would sound like just another criticism.

If I was asked IF I had brought some fresh veg, that's a fair one and I'd be more likely to reply no, but we can use what's in the freezer.

Being asked why you haven't done something etc, it sounds like a telling off or similar, to people like me.

And after a while of people speaking to me in a certain manner, I will snap.

For example, my mum is quite passive aggressive. She won't ask me have I remembered to do something I need to, she will state that she assumes I've done xyz. After several conversations like these, I snap with her because passive aggression makes me feel really bad.

Sometimes it's just choosing your words better.

posthistoricmonsters · 22/12/2018 20:53

I forgot to say, his behaviour is totally out of order though. I would never behave like that to someone, and I'm a borderline.

tillytrotter1 · 22/12/2018 20:56

Jeez, you are both making a mountain out a molehill!

Absolutely right, both as bad as each other! As for those advising LTB, heaven help you when you face real problems.

Original poster
APositiveMind · 22/12/2018 21:12

@insomnibrat
Its out first Christmas living in our own home and his mum passed away a few years ago, so i think he feels like his dad is lonely, although he has a brother who lives at home, and he'll be spending Christmas day with his dad and family this year as I understand it's probably tough for him. It's coming up to the time of year when his mum passed so he is on edge and he gets down around this time. But I'd rather he told me about it rather than taking itnoutnkn me and starting an argument. We don't want to argue, we get on really well and enjoy our time together but he's too quiet to share how he's feeling so it builds up into something more than it has to be.

He came upstairs when I went to put my jammies on and apologised. Now he's playing his PlayStation with his mate happy as Larry.

What a conundrum of an evening that was planned to be nice rolls eyes

OP posts:
Original poster
APositiveMind · 22/12/2018 21:15

I would never leave him about an argument over vegetables. He might irritate the shit out of me on the odd occasion but we're happy together. What's a life without a fight.

OP posts:
LittleBot178 · 22/12/2018 21:25

What’s a life without a fight

Ummm....a peaceful and happy one?

Original poster
APositiveMind · 22/12/2018 21:44

@littlebot178
So you've never had a single argument with any significant other, ever?

I was reading something a fee years ago about how arguments and disagreements in relationships are healthy to an extent, as they show you care for eachother (in one way or another)

OP posts:
LittleBot178 · 22/12/2018 21:51

Yes I have, but I don’t relish it or think my life is lacking if we don’t fight. Isn’t it better to work out disagreements in a more civil fashion? I couldn’t be bothered with this sort of petty, passive aggressive conflict and I certainly wouldn’t tolerate the ridiculous shit your DP pulled this evening.

KeiTeNgeNge · 22/12/2018 22:06

God, just leave him

Chucky16 · 22/12/2018 23:33

@APositiveMind you have to ask? You asked him to get something for dinner and he got 2 steaks, instead of thanking him (for what would be a luxury in my house) you just said “Didn’t you get any veg?” This comes across as quite ungrateful and to be honest if I was him I would be a bit pissed with your reaction!! We’re only getting your side of this pretty stupid argument that arose out of veg, be it fresh or frozen! I’m pretty sure that his version of would be a bit different from this, along the lines...I was doing some extra work today, to make some extra money for us. Wife phones me on way home ands asked me to get dinner, so I got steaks for us as a treat. Instead of thanking me she Just asks why I didn’t get any veg? I’m pretty knackered with the extra work and just wanted to get home. There’s plenty of veg in the freezer anyway, but that’s not good for her. I tell her that if she wants fresh veg she can go and get it herself, so she just goes in a mood. I’ve been working and can’t be fucked with this so I just leave her to it, which seems to have put her in a worse mood AND she wants ME to apologise to her!

Motoko · 23/12/2018 00:53

You can have disagreements without shouting.

Imissgmichael · 23/12/2018 01:02

Actually Chucky the OH acted like a tantrumming and very rude giant child.

timeisnotaline · 23/12/2018 06:53

The op is getting a tough time! My dh would never ever speak to me like that. And wandering around the kitchen pretending to talk to the dog... while I cook!

Northernparent68 · 23/12/2018 07:01

I think there’s something you re not telling us, what was your tone like when you spoke to him, do you often micro manage or criticise him

cariadlet · 23/12/2018 08:33

Actually Chucky the OH acted like a tantrumming and very rude giant child

True, but so did the OP. And the massive dripfeed about it approaching the anniversary of the OH's mum's death goes some way to explaining his moodiness and the way he snapped at (perceived) criticism.

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