AIBU not wanting MIL popping in Xmas morning?

[1Mumwhowingsit]

I really don’t want MIL round Xmas morning. She wants to pop in early morning because apparently that suits her.
Reason I don’t want her popping round is she is so judgmental! She always says how messy the house is and if I’m not looking great (I have bad skin) she makes it clear ... last time I opened the door to her, her first comment was ‘JEEZ LOOK AT
YOU’ I just want to enjoy Christmas morning with my little family and not worry about her coming round! DH says I am being overly sensitive etc...and that’s just the way his mum is and she doesn’t mean to be mean blah blah..
MIL lives 2min walk away from our house
Can’t my DH and my son pop to hers!? Really want to put my foot down on this one as it’s my home and i want to feel happy and relaxed on Christmas morning! AIBU?

Now come on OP, you know what you need to say to her. ‘MIL, Did you mean to be so rude?’ Massive MN head tilt, shout to your DH that his DM aka Crusty Drawers or other suitable name is here. Wander off laughing tinkily.

I would practice replies such as

‘Wow did you mean to be so rude?!’

‘Oh mil, You look dreadful, are you unwell? No? Are you sure? You just look so OLD/ GREY/ UNWELL.’

‘Oh mil, what on Earth are you wearing? /What’s that on your face?/Look at you, it’s just dreadful’

Every single time she comments negatively about your appearance deflect it right back at her. She will not know how to react. I have used this and it does work.

Yep, be as rude as she is, it's such a mature response.

Comments on a messy house stop if you hand her a duster and hoover every time and say ‘that’s kind of you to offer’. Rude personal remarks need a sharp rebuke such as ‘that’s a nasty thing to say. Please stop your rude comments’.

My ex MIL stopped commenting once she realised that I answered her back every single time and she didn’t like being told off by me. Be prepared for a flounce on Christmas Day but don’t let her get away with it.

It’s not about maturity, it’s deflection and it highlights to the person that they are being unreasonable. I had to do this with my own MIL and it only took two deflecting comments to work.

Absolutely it's not about maturity, you got that one right.

Stardustinmyeyes They were an awful family, they had to come first in everything, both SIL used to spend their time bragging to outdo each other, DH sister completely ruined my pregnancy, I didn't even get chance to choose what colour I wanted my DS nursery, she went & bought everything without asking & took over when we brought DS home. I had very bad PND & she made it worse, I needed time to bond with my baby & she was always turning up & taking him away. I'd never turned round on them before but I snapped. I'm glad to be free from them.

My FIL is miserable, offensive and tactless rude twat so now every time he says something that isn't kind, I just blow a loud raspberry.
It eases the tension, makes people laugh and I feel that I have put him in his place as gently as possible. He hasn't stopped but equally I haven't screamed at him

And the OP’s ‘mature’ MIL is showing such maturity herself!

I don't see the issue with wanting Christmas morning just with your partner and children.

That is exactly what we are doing this year. It's our first Christmas living together, and my DP live on the other side of town so we are having breakfast at home, then popping to my DP at lunch, then to my partner's bro and SIL for dinner where I think we will see more of his family.

I've done all sorts over the years, having friends stay over for Xmas day, staying at others for Xmas day, home hopping ON Xmas day, staying home the whole day, we even stayed at my XH's with my newborn (DD2), newborn's dad and half brother, because my DD1 lived with my XH at that time. Stayed with family, friends.

There's many ways to skin a donkey, but I do think that sometimes it's nice to have the xmas morning to yourselves, specially so that you don't have to rush around getting ready for someone. Being able to take your time on what can be one of the most stressful days of the year, is important to me, for sure. I have fms and m.e among other things, so not having people in my face at my home is better and helps enable me to be more prepared for socialising later in the day.

My XH's nan was rude like your MIL, and would also turn up unannounced all the time, specially when D1 was fresh home from the hospital. Shoving her camera in her face when I'd just gotten her to sleep and all sorts. Saying whatever she felt like saying, whoever it hurt. So I've been there - it's hard to tell a matriarchal figure how you feel, this one I had to put up with was the kind to take serious offense to everything. So if it was her trying to come round first thing, I'd be miffed and asking to make it later at least.

We all have a right to organise Christmas our own way and we have a right not to have someone insulting and rude under our roof. Your DH isn't being very kind to you over this.

Don't answer the door to her... jump straight in the shower if someone else lets her in.

So hang on, your not good enough to go round for Christmas dinner but when she has time to kill she’ll come to yours??
I don’t care how petty anyone thought I was, I’d say no.
As for the rudeness I’d ask her to repeat herself and then walk away if/when she does, right in the middle of her sentence. Then I’d refuse to acknowledge her. But I am malicious petty and childish.
I LOVE passive aggression.

My MIL and FIL come round every Christmas morning and watch the kids open their gifts, they say it is their favourite part of Christmas and it’s so lovely. However they are wonderful people, I don’t think I would appreciate someone saying I looked like crap when I opened the door!

I think they think they can say what they like. I got told my tree looked loads better than last years crap one amongst other little digs. Send them round on their own. You don't need that negativity

Just say you won’t be accepting visitors in Christmas morning. Easy. No one should be offended - it’s the children’s time.

Comments on a messy house stop if you hand her a duster and hoover every time and say ‘that’s kind of you to offer’

I have actually said to commenters 'Oh the sisters under the sink/vaccumms under the stairs - don't let me stop you dear'

It does work!

She won't have your family in her home? Why?

Use of that truly nauseating phrase ‘my little family’ increases exponentially on MN at Christmas 🤢

That said, your MIL sounds like a pill. I would definitely suggest you send your DH and kid to her instead.

You seem to dislike your mother in law yet she is the mother of the man you love so she can't be all that bad

That makes no sense whatsoever. I work with children and families so I can assure you that it's perfectly possible for thoroughly unpleasant people to produce lovely children. OP can't force herself to love or even like her MIL just because she gave birth to her DH. Surely it's perfectly normal to dislike someone who makes nasty comments about your physical appearance and the state of your house?

Run a bath and pour a glass of fizz at the time she is due. Ask dh to answer the door and shout down to him you are just off for a bath.

When she knocks lock the bathroom door and relax for half an hour at least whilst sipping the fizz.

It's amazing how many people on mumsnet have a troublesome mother in law.
I sometimes think the fact their DH has a mother at all is what bothers many of them.

It's amazing how many people on mumsnet have a troublesome mother in law.
I sometimes think the fact their DH has a mother at all is what bothers many of them.

Not really. Given the numbers of MIL in this country (and others, given we have an international membership), it's not that high a figure.

And of course, people are going to complain about awful MILs, when most people wouldn't complain about MILs who are pleasant and nice. It's a lopsided view.

When you marry your spouse trumps your parents. He needs to grow a pair and stand up for you unless you’re being totally unreasonable.

Try turning up at hers uninvited. She is family.......

Haven't you got an important appointment in the bathroom when she turns up Christmas morning?

Limensoda Do you also invite yourself around and insult your DIL? Do you not invite your own son and grandchildren for christmas? And do you want to have full control over every situation no matter what? That really only says anything about this MIL and you, it says nothing about every DIL ever, or even every MIL ever.

I never post about my MIL as she is a normal human being and there is nothing to say. Can't believe you think being rude is normal, and somehow your DIL's fault and not yours.