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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that the whole “ mothers should allow contact no matter what “ bull shit

27 replies

Furiousatlife25 · 22/12/2018 16:57

I am literally done at the amount of times I have heard this today.
You should only stop contact for violence etc.
What about abandonment / emotional abuse because I think letting your child down time and time again is 100 percentile emotional abuse.
I stopped contact ( well I have said he can see her but it will now be through key worker and contact centre if he bothers to do what he needs to do )

Back story

  • left her when she was 2 weeks old fighting for her life
  • has seen her maybe twice a year despite having contact the last weekend of EVERY month.
  • never showed up or rang when she had open heart surgery to see if she was ok.
  • I care for her ( very poorly ) 24 hours a day he never shows, never pays and never answers his phone to her.
  • he turns up with his mum once a year on her birthday the week of Xmas to act father of the year then dissapears again.
  • last Xmas / birthday he ruined by promising he was coming and taking her some where, but went on a lads holiday for 3 weeks and lied saying it was because he couldn’t get the time or work.
  • this week has obtained a credit card in my address despite never living here, and attempted for mutiple loans.
When questioned not even a sorry just I needed the money to pay of bank charges. ( I claim as a single parent so this could effect the financial support I do get to look after her) When I try to make him see that he needs to be around or that things need to be consistent he just threatens to report me and take me for full custody ( I know he wouldn’t do the custody ) but has previously rang SS on me spouting lies because I couldn’t do one thing he wanted me to do. Luckily I’m genuinely a mum who tries her hardest who although isn’t perfect has been by my daughters side in hospital for years and there was enough witnesses to say things he was saying wasn’t true. He lied about being on drugs 3 years ago then got arrested and sectioned because he had a drug induced psychotic break down. But yet I am the bad one for saying no more open content ( I have to be present as his not trained in her care and is a little frankly useless at being responsible ) so the only option I have is it to be in a contact centre. But apparently according to others every child deserves a dad ( which I agree with ) but surely they deserve a dad who is not going to harm them emotionally ?
OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/12/2018 17:04

Every child deserves loving supportive parents. They dont need to be biologically related to the child.

Being a constant let down is a parent no child needs.

Original poster
Furiousatlife25 · 22/12/2018 17:07

That is my point
I have tried to keep contact going for 5 years, I never argue with him, shout at him and never bad mouth him in front of my DD.
I have allowed contact at my house, I offered to help pay for transport but he keeps letting her down and just screwing me up!

OP posts:
BirthdayKake · 22/12/2018 17:12

YANBU

Santaisonthesherry · 22/12/2018 17:16

Maybe a case for a judge to strip him of PR...

pointythings · 22/12/2018 17:17

Nope, totally YANBU. I wrestled with this after I kicked out my alcoholic H, but going to a parenting class sorted me out. Contact should be for the benefit of the child. Contact with my still drinking H would not have benefited my DDs. Fortunately he didn't try to force the issue and in any case my DDs were of an age to refuse and be listened to.

He died last summer. There is sadness, but mostly there is relief.

missyB1 · 22/12/2018 17:18

You’ve tried your best, time to stop now. Having this man in your dd’s life is doing her no favours. I believe emotional abuse is extremely damaging.

Original poster
Furiousatlife25 · 22/12/2018 17:18

Thankyou I feel sick with it all it’s gebuinly making me feel unwell, I have my family who don’t want him anywhere near her and his family calling me everything under the sun
I just want what’s best for her but I just don’t think it’s him that is good for her :(

OP posts:
MissMalice · 22/12/2018 17:22

There’s no such thing as contact no matter what.
If parents can’t agree, the court decides. The court doesn’t do contact at any cost; they go with welfare of the child.
Part of that consideration is the impact of having an entirely absent parent. In some cases that will be appropriate, in others it won’t. Judges don’t always get it right but the law is clear - the child’s welfare is paramount.

megletthesecond · 22/12/2018 17:23

Yanbu.
Totally absent is better than an unreliable or shitty parent. I've seen it in action with other families at school.

Original poster
Furiousatlife25 · 22/12/2018 17:25

Miss malice that’s the thing I don’t mind going to mediation / court etc if it will put in stone guidelines so it’s taken from my responsibility
I’m talking about the hatred towards mums when it gets to that point of going to court where we have to say enough is enough.

OP posts:
selkiesolstice · 22/12/2018 17:26

Even when there has been violence, unless you can prove it, you're told off for making it up. If you have 'some' proof you're told that could be faked. Or it's insinuated that you fought back too hard, six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Things have gone crazy. I don't think my x would ever treat my DC like he treated me, but he was repeatedly violent to me, including trying to strangle me, but my DC are going to his house soon. Thank God his gf is there.

So many people have no clue. They think that you ''need to be reasonable'' and other platitudes. They don't know that you cannot be reasonable on behalf of somebody else.

bumblebee39 · 22/12/2018 17:30

Emotional and financial abuse?
Coersive control & threats?

Sounds like an abuser.
They don't all use their fists.

The drug use isn't marvellous either.

If I was in your situation I would not allow contact as its not in your child's best inter test. Anyone who can't see that is not worth your concern.

Original poster
Furiousatlife25 · 22/12/2018 17:38

Bumblebee the worse part of it is he acts so stupid like he doesn’t know when his done something wrong but it’s all a game as he is actually very smart.
This is a man that studied business for a long time has a respectful job in the field at 27 etc but claimed that he didn’t know he couldn’t put my address down on a loan agreement 😂
It’s because he doesn’t live in then uk ( lives near by on a island outside of the uk ) he said I couldn’t get it in my address so just used your needed the money you should be ok with helping ! 🙈

OP posts:
continuallychargingmyphone · 22/12/2018 17:41

YANBU

Sexnotgender · 22/12/2018 17:42

YANBU.

pinkunicorns18 · 22/12/2018 17:50

YANBU

I also feel similarly regarding adopted children's contact with their birth families - it is very often not in the best interests of the child. Usually, they are not adopted from families that were capable of bringing a child up.

This a really annoys me. Stop trying now, you've done your best.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 22/12/2018 18:44

The view point that contact should happen at all costs is hugely detrimental to children who would in fact be better off with an absent father than an abusive, extremely unreliable one.

I have a court order determining zero contact between ex and the children and it is the BEST thing for them.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 22/12/2018 18:55

But OP you haven't stopped contact you have just left him to sort it out on his own.

If he doesn't bother then neither your child, whose interests you are acting in, or him can blame you.

QwertyLou · 23/12/2018 06:44

YANBU.

“Children have a right to a relationship with each parent” - yes, in an ideal world.

But the world is not ideal and agree with PPs that an absent parent can be less damaging than one who is “sort of” present but always treating their child like rubbish.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/12/2018 06:59

I think the threshold for dads being denied contact is far too high and it always seems to be mum who takes the shit.

I know a family in this situation where the child's manchild father insists on his rights to overnights but does fuck all to make his daughter comfortable and she finds then very distressing. Mum is stuck managing her anxiety leading up to them and the emotional fallout afterwards.

The family all wish he would just disappear and leave them to raise her (plenty of decent male role models) and it's obvious she is just waiting until she is allowed to refuse to see him and will probably have no further contact.

What really makes me sad is the threads on here with women in abusive relationships who feel they have to stay together to protect their children from unsupervised contact.

Itssosunnyout · 23/12/2018 07:23

Ynbu

He's her dad in name only. Bringing gifts 2 times a year is not a father.
Its awful that he thinks its acceptable to constantly let down his child. Poor excuse of a man

OurChristmasMiracle · 23/12/2018 07:30

I truly believe contact should be in the best interests of the child so both mums and dads needs/wishes need to be ignored and it should focus SOLELY on the child.

OP for you it sounds as though your child is getting little out of contact and a lot of heartache when it doesn’t happen so I would say it should be stopped. He hasn’t missed one contact or been late a couple of times over 5 years because of traffic/weather or another reasonable excuse. He honestly sounds like he doesn’t care and it’s your daughter who suffers the most.

Yes it is desirable and optimum for a child to have 2 loving parents. However that’s the keg LOVING. Being a parent is putting your child’s needs above your own, her father sounds as if he is failing to do this.

You sound like an amazing mum.

hazell42 · 23/12/2018 07:41

Unfortunately children love their parents, no matter how shit they are. My first husband abandoned his kids for 20 years. They never stopped loving him and wondering what happened to him. When he finally got in touch they couldn't wait to see him I had to take them to the country he was hospitalised in (he got jn touch because he wanted something)
Luckily after a year of sporadic contact they realised he was basically a stranger and now only exchange cards.
By stopping visitation you leave your child only with the idealised picture of him that they have in their heads. Much better for your child and ultimately for you to keep the prospect if visitation open.
But protect your child by not telling them that he is planning on visiting and then they are not distraught when he fails to show.
I totally get your anger but it is better to play the long game if you can bear to, because otherwise there will come a time when they blame you for stopping them seeing their dad and they wont believe you when you tell them that the wonderful person they have imagined is a douche

anniehm · 23/12/2018 07:43

It's not in all circumstances, but the general rule is yes, absent parents should have contact and resident parents should facilitate this. The circumstances above are not the norm, absent parents need to be regular (whether weekly, fortnightly or a bespoke arrangement if living further away), and maintenance should be paid.

I've seen the damage when the father is blocked from contact for no reason other than spite - this was the 70's men were expected to disappear if that's what the mother wanted, my dh didn't see his (lovely) father until he traced him as an adult missing out on the stability of a loving father - he left his dm due to her dv to him!

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 23/12/2018 08:42

Of course you don't need to facilitate this idiot seeing his dd who he doesn't care about.