To cancel Christmas with my toxic dad.

[AnxiousButFunnyWithIt]

I'll try keep it to the point and with all necessary facts.

My mum died suddenly 8yrs ago and widowed my dad. We were all in a state of shock. Dad, understandably, took it very bad and for 3yrs was drinking excessively and a real concern. He fell numerous times and had hospital stays. My brother lives in another country so I done the hospital visits and do all other necessary stuff. I don't drive but do live fairly close. I work full time in a pretty full on role and am a single parent. Dad was awful during this time, no please or thank you's and very demanding. It really wore me down. Things got better for dad but he still was very gruff and rude. I was fairly rebellious in my late teens but settled down in my early twenties and live a fairly successful life now, mid forties. I wonder if he's holding a grudge on this?

Dads recently had a fall again - drunken but this time he was out celebrating and not drinking as before. He has been an absolute nightmare and I've been ill with it. I attended the hospital the night of his fall and it was dreadful. Subsequently I have been back and forward with meds, shopping etc and he doesn't even look in my direction. Was my birthday and not even a happy birthday when I was at his house. He doesn't text other than to ask where x, y and z is. Never asks about DD or me or work. When my husband and I separated he barely mentioned it. He's not senile he's actually a very bright and well turned out man. My brother visits once or twice a month and he thinks it's just cause dads depressed but when I suggest he goes to the drs this is shunned.

I'm having everyone at mine on Christmas and I don't want him there. I'm hurt and grieving for my mum - her anniversary is this month, just before my birthday. And embarrassed at how I'm treated. AIBU to say I have food poisoning and put them off coming? It's on my mind constantly. I discussed it with my close friends this week and they said, are you surprised? He's treated me like shit for years and I can't deal with it. My mum would be so upset at him. I'm done in.

I think you should cancel. I’m not a fan of my mother (also a drunk & grieving widow) but the constant nastiness takes its toll. I don’t see her on Christmas anymore as it ruined my time.
Spend time with your own family & friends xxx

Can you talk this doctor whilrnhe is in hospital and explain the background? I'd see if they can get him to some therapy as partyofhis discharge. So sorry for you OP. Having a milder but taxing situ with my own dad. Its harder when you are the only adult around and also with the rebellious teen label. My dad has actually suggested we have relationship counselling after a week of him sending emails sounding like a foot stomping child. I think it is a great idea - could you try to arrange the same? I'm quite incredulous my dad even suggested it as he's quite stiff upper lip. Gives me a bit of hope despite his vile behaviour. Look after yourself though but do be very clear with him and firm. That's what I struggle with as due to the teen years my dad seems to view me as incompetent and unreliable despite the last 25 years of trying to prove to him I'm the opposite now. Feel like I'm a female Peter Pan in his eyes and he gets to tell me off in front of my dd. Standing up to him was unnatural but seems to be working if we get help. He's still holding out on coming for Xmas though...

And happy belated birthday

Hey, dad is back at home, he's getting out a bit too. There's no way in the world he'd agree to any form of therapy or counselling. I wish! My brother says I've to just try and deal with it as dad is having a bad time of it. I'm distraught with it all.

Thanks for the birthday wishes.

Your brother sounds like he’s being horrible to you as well!

Who are you supposed to be hosting on Xmas day?

I would cancel Christmas and go low contact.

You have done more than enough for him, with zero appreciation.

Do what's best for you. I don't think you'd be unreasonable at all. But I do suggest you get some counselling on how to deal with your father without it affecting you if he's going to be an on- going presence in your life. Happy birthday and Happy Christmas.

Parental guilt is awful. You will feel terrible if he is home alone on Xmas day even though you have every right not to invite him.
His grief does not excuse his abuse of you.

Many/most teens are a pain in the arse rest doesn’t mean parents can be horrible to them when they later become functioning adults it’s absolutely par for the course.

You sound like life is very full on with single parenting and a FT job and yes you have your own grief to contend with.

Put your foot down. Protect yourself and your DC.

Tell him outright that his behaviour and treatment of you of upsetting and unnecessary and you are trying very hard to help him but hate how he talks to you.
If he can’t manage basic manners when you are present then he needs to reflect on that and be told it isn’t on.
Have a quiet Xmas with your DC and let your brother know and do not be guilt tripped.

Many, many people are grieving and they don’t get a free pass to be nasty idiots forevermore afterwards. You are grieving too. Look after yourself and so sorry you are dealing with all this. You sound really lovely.

I have a DP but we don't live together - I'm due to have dad, brother, DP his daughter and his dad and my DD. My brother will kick off hugely if I cancel them. I'm not sure I can deal with that either. It'll be awful. Earlier this year I tried to arrange that we went out but I was railroaded into having it at mine. Part of the problem is that I am really crap at confrontation and that's why these things keep happening.

Dogsmell - thanks for your message. I'm continually told that this is ok behaviour from him and I'm actually second guessing if I'm being OTT. It's like gaslighting - I'm told I'm being over sensitive. I am a very sensitive and empathetic person and all this does upset me.

Any nonsense and tell them to leave (with your DP's backing)

Next year, reduce/drop contact. Your father sounds like an alcoholic and there's nothing you can do about that.

Many, many people are grieving and they don’t get a free pass to be nasty idiots forevermore afterwards

This ^

You need to get strong op. Send a txt to your brother. Christmas is cancelled at yours. No need for apologies and no need for guilt

So your brother, who lives in another country so is unable to do any of the practical help, thinks you should just suck it up, eh?

I think they rely far too much on you being crap at confrontation.

He's really bullying you, isn't he? Why would you want him around at Christmas, just to ruin it for you? Let him have Christmas at home.

You're not a dogsbody, for someone else to boss around and never say thank you. It's worse, even, than never saying thank you, he's punishing you for helping him.

Similar situation with my DM a few years ago. Nasty, negative behaviour constantly. I ignored for a long time and then started to challenge it.

Invited the whole family round for Christmas dinner and we all agreed to pitch in and help on the day. DM arrived and refused point blank to do anything. She was only asked to set the table, whilst I was cooking. After years of grief from her, I decided enough was enough. Told her that we were all pitching in and if she refused, she could fuck off home and sort her own dinner. She actually did and we had a lovely afternoon without her bitching, sniping and negative remarks. Not invited her since and its bliss.

My youngest DSIS is appalled that I am finally NC with DM, but she lives 3000 miles away and only has to put up with her shit when she is back home for a short time.

Don't let him spoil your Christmas. Either cancel or give him a lecture about his behaviour when he arrives

Tell your brother and dad that unfortunately Christmas is cancelled. Tell them now. Gives them a couple of days to sort them out if they want a festive day. Continue with your plans without these two. Nice of your brother to tell you to suck it up. He doesn't have to, he wafts in, gives his diagnosis and then expects you to do everything.

You should strongly consider making it your New Years resolution to never contact your father agin. If that loses you your brother too, so be it. You have one life, you have tried your damnedest to make things right, but it's one sided and to your detriment. Release any guilt. Time to let this situation go.

Cancel your arrangements now. Best Christmas present you can have.

Its been 8 years since your Mum passed away. Thats no longer a valid excuse for him treating you like shit. Do not take it any longer.

How did he treat you before your mum passed away?

Ah fuckit - tell your brother that he and your Dad aren't welcome.
And stop doing so much for the ungrateful old bastard!
If he's such an arsehole to you, PLEASE don't be guilted into taking all that - you absolutely do NOT have to.

If that means you fall out with your brother, then so be it, I'm afraid - he's not treating you well either, because your Dad doesn't, and you let them both get away with it.

Time to stop letting them both get away with it - tell them they can have Christmas together somewhere else, NOT at your house as they're not welcome.

Would you really miss them?

Tell them now so that they have a few days to get some food in. You can't just tell them on Christmas Day.

You can't really make up an excuse like illness when Christmas is a few days off as they'll just say you'll be okay by then.

Or you could abandon all social media over Christmas and ask your DP and his family not to post anything, and say you need to be with him because someone is ill in his family?

How did he treat you before your mum passed away?

How did he treat your mum before she died?

It's not "like gaslighting", it is gaslighting.

And I have a very hard time believing that somebody who was never abusive before was suddenly transformed into the model of an abusive man overnight and simultaneously overnight trained his male child to mimic his abusive behaviour.

More likely, he has always been like this but it was his wife who bore the brunt of it, his son who learned it from him growing up, and now his wife has gone he's made his daughter the new primary target for his abuse.

You don't deserve to be treated like this, you're not overreacting, you're not oversensitive, and you're not being unreasonable.

People who love you don't treat you like this, and they don't kick off at you when you refuse to be mistreated. The threat of them kicking off is frightening you into doing what they want, and that is coercive control. Which is abuse.

Depression and alcohol don't turn people into coercive controllers. But depression and alcohol are used as excuses by coecive controllers for their behaviour. "It's not my fault [I'm abusing you], I was drunk / I'm depressed".

You'd be able to live a lot better without them controlling and hurting you like this all the time. It's not right. I'm sure there's part of you thinking "but he's my dad, he's family, how can I cut him off?" But where is the outraged part of you saying "I'm his daughter, I lost my mum, how dare he treat me like this?"

I know it's usually recommended to people on here for partner relationships, but I really think the information on the Freedom Programme would help you see this behaviour for what it really is and have the confidence and strength to take the steps to protect yourself.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I'm nipping out but I will read all
these throughly later this afternoon with a cuppa. The responses are great thank you all so much. I need to hear it from others, I know I'm not going mad. They are treating me appallingly but I need to know how to say it in a strong way. Thanks so much

Its totally up to you really 're Christmas. I think I am similar in that I've never had it out with my dad although his controlling behaviour has become more noticeable in the last 5 years. I found writing the email to him very cathartic - it went right back to how he used to ignore me and always focus on the bad results from school (these were the minority as I used to be in top sets). I went on to almost list every memory I had of him which were largely negative responses (telling me I'd never finish uni, the course was worthless and uni third rate etc) and the complete lack of any encouragement, support or approval. His response? "When was the last time you gave me approval?" which really reminded me that I've been parenting him since his parents died and I sorted out their house for him to live in. Think it's a type of regression into childhood and because we are doing the adult jobs they don't like feeling inferior but also see us as the viable target as we are "together" despite us feeling the opposite due to their emotional withholding and abuse. Complex but I do feel better now I've finally let rip. If my dad decides to sulk and not come for Christmas it will be his loss - I've asked 4 times and he refuses to even reply. I don't know how I'd cope with a brother banging on like that though. Maybe suggest he does lunch with your dad somewhere near where he is staying just the two of them?