To cancel Christmas with my toxic dad.

[AnxiousButFunnyWithIt]

I'll try keep it to the point and with all necessary facts.

My mum died suddenly 8yrs ago and widowed my dad. We were all in a state of shock. Dad, understandably, took it very bad and for 3yrs was drinking excessively and a real concern. He fell numerous times and had hospital stays. My brother lives in another country so I done the hospital visits and do all other necessary stuff. I don't drive but do live fairly close. I work full time in a pretty full on role and am a single parent. Dad was awful during this time, no please or thank you's and very demanding. It really wore me down. Things got better for dad but he still was very gruff and rude. I was fairly rebellious in my late teens but settled down in my early twenties and live a fairly successful life now, mid forties. I wonder if he's holding a grudge on this?

Dads recently had a fall again - drunken but this time he was out celebrating and not drinking as before. He has been an absolute nightmare and I've been ill with it. I attended the hospital the night of his fall and it was dreadful. Subsequently I have been back and forward with meds, shopping etc and he doesn't even look in my direction. Was my birthday and not even a happy birthday when I was at his house. He doesn't text other than to ask where x, y and z is. Never asks about DD or me or work. When my husband and I separated he barely mentioned it. He's not senile he's actually a very bright and well turned out man. My brother visits once or twice a month and he thinks it's just cause dads depressed but when I suggest he goes to the drs this is shunned.

I'm having everyone at mine on Christmas and I don't want him there. I'm hurt and grieving for my mum - her anniversary is this month, just before my birthday. And embarrassed at how I'm treated. AIBU to say I have food poisoning and put them off coming? It's on my mind constantly. I discussed it with my close friends this week and they said, are you surprised? He's treated me like shit for years and I can't deal with it. My mum would be so upset at him. I'm done in.

And yes to the pp who said about this being ongoing abusive behaviour. My mum was no saint but my dad used to be dismissive of her (she was brighter than him) and by the time she divorced him he had thrown her down the stairs in front of me. She used to drink so he always made out she was unreasonable. I've seen from her pov multiple times how he can suddenly flip over being asked to pass something, sulk and pretend he didn't hear things and try to win my dd onto his side by excessive buying of toys when he is up. I sometimes wonder if I remind him of my mum, just the looks he gives are scathing at times.

Meeting brother today, he has just text to say dads not wanting to come to mine. I've not replied. Even this feels like a form of abuse!!!

Problem solved surely. I would just respond with okay. And tell your brother that he will need to sort himself out too, you are having a quiet Christmas.

And then don't contact them. Feels like abuse but it's actually a chink of freedom.

Tell your brother that he'll have to spend Xmas day at your Dad's and cook for the 2 of them - they tell you what to do so twist it back on him for a change. Don't get railroaded into sending 2 meals round.

Good luck.

Your brother says your dad doesn't want to go to yours? "That's such a shame Bro, I'll catch up with both of you in the new year" - and breathe.

he has just text to say dads not wanting to come to mine

Good. Saves you the trouble of cancelling then. Your brother is as much trouble as your dad IMO - probably who he learned it from.

Oh look, I know it looks like they're rejecting you now, but throw away any feelings of sadness over it and just rejoice in your good fortune that they've made the decision for you!
Just don't reply - bet you they're waiting for you to ask why and to beg them to come.
Don't.

What even is this? We lost my mum 6 years ago and my dad pours his grief into doing charity marathons at the age of 60 and raising money for Macmillan. Just to say that this may be greif related but it DOES NOT excuse that behaviour. You are not his punch bag you dont owe him anything. Have you turned into a nasty bully with the loss of your mum? No. Dont enable that behaviour anymore. You sound amazing, have the Christmas you deserve and I'm so sorry for your loss xx

just reply "good".

Rilliang reply from AnoukSpirit.
Absolutely spot on.

And that text is your perfect opportunity.
Just reply ‘that’s fine’

Nothing more.

Then when they try to claw back in a couple of days just say no sorry you made your thoughts clear and actually I need a break from all the abuse.

You are not wrong here. Please know that. At some point you will be required to be very strong and tell them to FO. This sounds like the best time.

Have a really happy Christmas OP.

Who knows that my first word is above!

I mean BRILLIANT reply

If your father is cognitively intact (it sounds as if he is) he has the right to live as he wishes. BUT that does not obligate you to be his personal slave. You can decide to sit down with him and say, "Dad, I am not willing to do x, y, z if you treat me badly." You're not obliged to accept abuse.

‘No worries? Are you staying with him or eating with us?’

What Jengnr said. A great escape OP! Don't dare be guilted into inviting them.

Hope you stood firm OP when you met up with your brother