AIBU to think my mums friends could make more of an effort now she has dementia

[FestiveFlorence]

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s over 5 years ago, when she was mid 50s. Obviously it was a big shock - she had been working FT and had no other health problems when her memory started to go. She had to retire early and managed very well - could still phone friends and plan visits using her diary and travel locally etc. Unfortunately she then suddenly declined; she could no longer go out on her own without getting lost, then was too anxious to be in the house alone either.
In January this year (about 3 months after the decline) I wrote a letter to all her friends to let them know she would struggle to initiate contact and organise something (as she would get muddled using her phone and with dates) so to call/text me and I’d be happy to organise a visit, explained she was still very sociable and would love to see people etc. I did this as Mum was getting quite upset that “no one cares anymore”. I didn’t tell mum I sent the letter in case it didn’t help much, and sadly it didn’t.

Two friends have been fab. One takes her out for a pub dinner every few months (as they always did). And an old work friend, who mum didn’t actually see that much, takes her out every week to a group she attends and also invites her to other events with her friends which is just amazing.

However the ones I’m upset about and want to know if I'm being U:

Carol - has been round for a cuppa once. Just once. All year. She is retired and yes has things on, but it just doesn’t feel enough. The only other time was for a meal I organised for us including her daughter (as we were friends growing up and I still meet her 3/4 times a year).

Tessa - text me a month after the letter saying she would “be in touch when the weather improves”. I was quite upset by that as don’t see what the weather has to do with anything, but didn’t know how to reply. She chased up my lack of reply and again said she’d definitely be in touch when the weathers better. Well as you all know it was then the longest and hottest heatwave since the 70s and... nothing. Hasn’t sent a Christmas card so far either. (Maybe something bad in her life has happened that means she has genuinely not had time?)

Yasmin - has seen mum about 3/4 times this year. For years mum would see her for a day over Christmas, but not this year. I only found out this wasn’t happening this year when I asked for plans to be confirmed. It’s nice she still sees her but the Christmas part was still a let down and Mum was upset.

So aibu to expect a bit more? I know I’m biased but my mum was always very kind, I know she’s always been there for her friends and also helped out some older neighbours and visited them lots too. A couple of her friends are devout Christians and I think I struggle with the idea that they go to church every week but can’t make time for my Mum.

Any advice would also be appreciated - even just to tell me to move on and forget about it!

I couldn't agree more! My mum also has early onset dementia and this is a problem we have too. Well done for writing to them All!

Sorry to hear you have the same problem. Of all the things I was expecting to happen when she was diagnosed, friends not being there wasn't something that even crossed my mind. Lots of people were actually very supportive - lots of "let me know if you need anything". Then when I actually do... empty promises

Sorry that your mum and you are having to deal with this.

It's a shame that those friends aren't more forthcoming but they must have their reasons. Watching other friends decline, worried about not knowing how to deal with someone with Alzheimers...I don't know.

Focus on the positive that there are people there to support your mum.

It really depends how good friends these other women were in the first place. There are women I see fairly regularly as part of a small group that are nice, but I don't feel at all close to. I would make zero effort to see them if they couldn't go out as they are not really friends, but someone from the outside might not realise that.

Call them and ask them for a particular time and date. It is hard to initiate things in our busy lives.

I guess it’s one of those things in life that you get to know your real friends.

Divorce, illness, having children, financial problems etc etc. They’ll all sort the wheat from the chaff.

I can understand why you’d be annoyed but let them go, what good are they to your mum?

It’s sounds as though the true ones have stuck by her. Also she has you & it sounds like you have her back x

And she has two friends who are seeing her regularly. Few people have more than a couple of real friends.

No OP you are NOT being unreasonable. Yes everyone's life changes year to year but in all the years your DM has been friends with these ladies whatever has been happening in their lives hasn't stopped them meeting/phone call etc so why now?
I can absolutely understand why your upset for your DM but sadly you can't change peoples ugliness

That’s really difficult; when my dad became ill (not with dementia but a brain condition that effected his independence and cognition) I was quite surprised at the people who were amazing and the people who were just a let down; this included someone I thought of as one of his closest friends. Looking back I think that some people just found it too difficult to see the difference in him but I still don’t think of it as an excuse and I’m 100% sure my dad wouldn’t have treated them that way

I’m sorry you are going through this. The exact same thing happened when my Dad got dementia. Two friends visited but the rest just dropped him and pretended he didn’t exist.

I know it made them uncomfortable to see my Dad like that. No one hated it more than I did but he would have really liked to have seen them. Bastards. And since he’s died they have all ignored my Mum. Not called in once to see how she’s getting in without her husband of 50 years

A lot of people struggle to see and interact with someone who has dementia. That person is not the person they were before. For you, she is your mum and always will be, but for other people, she likely isn't the person she was when they became friends with her. Whether that is the case or not, it may just be that they are struggling with the fact that she has dementia. It's a highly confronting thing.

But if your mum has two friends who see her regularly, I really don't think that that's so bad. A lot of completely cognisant people have fewer good friends than that.

It’s shit, it really is, but some people back away from illness for many reasons. They might be scared - their friend is confused, they don’t want the responsibility of looking after her for the afternoon, brings back memories of another ill loved one, and so forth.

Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease. Many couldn’t cope with watching someone they care about fade away in front of them. It’s highly unfair that you don’t get a choice in that, and that’s probably where some of your anger stems from. Ultimately though, you can’t make them engage, as sad as it is.

All of my mums friends except one haven't had anything to do with her since the point she started to struggle. Its awful as she had known them for years and years, worked very closely and even went on holiday with some of them. And then they wouldn't even let her go to the annual christmas lunch.

Her own brother didn't even go to see her when I wrote to him and said that if he wanted to see her while there was a chance of her recognising him it needed to be soon. Her sister did visit once.

@abacucat I only wrote to good, close friends. All 3 she has known between 20-30 years. And she can go out and would be fine for lunch or a coffee somewhere, she just needs a lift (they all live within 15 mins and have cars)

@Reflexella I guess I'd held onto the idea of my mum having that bit of normality of having friends still. She's still very much with it so notices their absence but yes I should just focus on those who are still there for her

@currentcake good point re things happening in their lives and making time before! That's why I haven't sent a "why haven't you bothered?!" angry text like I feel like doing, just in case there is a big issue. Thanks for replying

@user1493413286 @RoxytheRexy sorry you've had the same thing. Thanks for sharing as helps to know it's not just us having that issue (I will try and take it less personally)

@RedDwarves she doesn't feel like my mum to me in some ways tbh, but she's still very chatty and interested in people so I feel like they would notice less what they have lost in their friend than I have lost in my mum. And if they haven't seen her since the decline then they don't actually know (but maybe they're too scared to try it and see her).

@CMOTDibbler that's so awful, I'm so sorry

I really sympathise but think it's good that she has two good friends who are keeping in touch. Straight to the heart of things have you thought about hosting a simple afternoon tea at your mums house and inviting the recalcitrant friends to visit your mum at home? Rather than overwhelming your mum with a big gathering this could be a good way to organise staggered tea parties with one or two of these old friends at a time, the bonus being that the socialising is spread across the weeks and months giving your mum something to look forward to.

It is definitely worth bearing in mind the friends' own health or state of mind. Some of my friends are much older than me and I notice a definite reluctance to drive now, in fact several have stopped driving. Some have health problems like pain which can be exhausting.

I don’t know whether people think Alzheimer’s is catching (I know they don’t really) but same here! Mam was also diagnosed 5 years ago. Unfortunately had to go in to a care home in September. Her friends don’t visit.

Sadly this happened to my mum.
Her best friend who was her bridesmaids and my brothers godmother dropped her very quickly when she was diagnosed with dementia.
It was so sad because she was one of the people my mum would talk about and remember when her dementia advanced.
When she died she had the cheek to come to my house, DH let her in and gave her a whisky. When I came downstairs and seen her I went bloody ballistic.
She made a sharp exit. I never look the road she's on now when I see her.

Uncle was part of a golf foursome of many years playing 3-4 times a week. Apparently it was too upsetting to visit ...

To a degree, friends stop being fuends & more carers at times.

It's not a transition many can make. Perhaps they need time to adjust, come to terms with it. Many older people struggle with the reality of old age. Give them time as your feelings are v different to theirs.

Happens to my mother too. There’s still stigma attached to it. People feel embarrassed for the sufferer in a way they wouldn’t with say a cancer diagnosis. Then there’s the “rather remember them as they were” brigade...

Sorry that was meant to be happened not happens.