AIBU to think my mums friends could make more of an effort now she has dementia

[FestiveFlorence]

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s over 5 years ago, when she was mid 50s. Obviously it was a big shock - she had been working FT and had no other health problems when her memory started to go. She had to retire early and managed very well - could still phone friends and plan visits using her diary and travel locally etc. Unfortunately she then suddenly declined; she could no longer go out on her own without getting lost, then was too anxious to be in the house alone either.
In January this year (about 3 months after the decline) I wrote a letter to all her friends to let them know she would struggle to initiate contact and organise something (as she would get muddled using her phone and with dates) so to call/text me and I’d be happy to organise a visit, explained she was still very sociable and would love to see people etc. I did this as Mum was getting quite upset that “no one cares anymore”. I didn’t tell mum I sent the letter in case it didn’t help much, and sadly it didn’t.

Two friends have been fab. One takes her out for a pub dinner every few months (as they always did). And an old work friend, who mum didn’t actually see that much, takes her out every week to a group she attends and also invites her to other events with her friends which is just amazing.

However the ones I’m upset about and want to know if I'm being U:

Carol - has been round for a cuppa once. Just once. All year. She is retired and yes has things on, but it just doesn’t feel enough. The only other time was for a meal I organised for us including her daughter (as we were friends growing up and I still meet her 3/4 times a year).

Tessa - text me a month after the letter saying she would “be in touch when the weather improves”. I was quite upset by that as don’t see what the weather has to do with anything, but didn’t know how to reply. She chased up my lack of reply and again said she’d definitely be in touch when the weathers better. Well as you all know it was then the longest and hottest heatwave since the 70s and... nothing. Hasn’t sent a Christmas card so far either. (Maybe something bad in her life has happened that means she has genuinely not had time?)

Yasmin - has seen mum about 3/4 times this year. For years mum would see her for a day over Christmas, but not this year. I only found out this wasn’t happening this year when I asked for plans to be confirmed. It’s nice she still sees her but the Christmas part was still a let down and Mum was upset.

So aibu to expect a bit more? I know I’m biased but my mum was always very kind, I know she’s always been there for her friends and also helped out some older neighbours and visited them lots too. A couple of her friends are devout Christians and I think I struggle with the idea that they go to church every week but can’t make time for my Mum.

Any advice would also be appreciated - even just to tell me to move on and forget about it!

Many people cope poorly with dementia. It is disappointing that previously good friends won't try at all though - I do understand that lengthy visits become hard to manage. The tea party idea sounds good. I would also consider approaching the friends, without anger but not hiding emotion, and saying 'if you could spare half an hour to pop round and see mum sometimes, it would mean the world to her as she really misses her old friends'. See if that pushes them to do anything.

Not Alzheimer's, but my mum is in a very similar situation. Two years ago, mum was a very fit and healthy 73 year old, and a full and active member of her neighbourhood. In fact, in 2015, her and 11 friends all went to New York for Christmas together.
About a year ago, mum went into hospital for a fairly routine op - to cut a long story short, things went wrong, she ended up in septic shock, was in ITU for 3 months, then had a stroke. She's back home now, but her recovery has been slow - and her speech and mobility might never recover.

During that 3 months in hospital, her only visitor was Belinda - her former cleaner. Since getting home, with a care package, in April, her best friend of nearly 50 years visited initially - but that's dropped away now. Interestingly, mum had a friend from years gone by who she'd lost touch with, who's rallied round and goes to visit weekly.

I know it's difficult, mum's speech problems make visits hard work - but I got a text from her this afternoon saying she misses her friends 😢. She's almost housebound now, but lovely Belinda still calls in twice a week and chats to her, they sometimes watch a film together, and I know that Belinda has taken her out in the car to a farm shop, and to M&S. That means the world to mum.

Yes, after my very sociable and active Mum had a stroke and had to go into a home, many friends said they couldn’t cope with seeing her there and that they just don’t ‘do’ homes .
When we have helped my father prepare his house well enough (he’s found the whole thing incredibly stressful) they have visited Mum there and it’s been like it used to be. It’s lovely to do occasionally and I recommend it! but too much of a strain to do regularly.
Because they’re the same age, I think it’s a harsh dose of reality that it could well be them next and nobody wants to be reminded of their mortality.
A couple have been amazing and have visited regularly. Quite a few have their own health issues now. And the rest? Well, my parents are forgiving.
My sympathies to you.

My dad has early onset Alzheimer’s too. He’s 65 now and nearly 6 years post diagnosis, and all his friends have gone. He was the life and soul before, the sad thing is my mums friends have done the same so her support is gone too.
They’ve made new friends at support groups but it’s not the same as a shared history of when they were younger and not ill.

It's a mixed bag, I'm a community carer for people with Dementia, some of them have streams of people (usually neighbours) coming to visit and some only ever see us.
The WI are outstanding with a lot of people o see and will always inside them and make them feel safe and comfortable however much their condition deteriorates,
We also have a few local Centers that hold a rolling programme of clubs, classes etc that we always try and engage in to make sure those who have always been social still can be.
I know it doesn't excuse your mums friends OP but is that something your mum might enjoy doing as a social outlet?

I’m sorry I know you should not have to do this but if I was you for your mums sake I would organise to take my mum to see one of those friends. Maybe not tell her your exact plans in case they cancel - just saying let’s go out for a coffee and hopefully that friend will be there too. I think people live busy lives and it can be hard talking to someone with dementia - it’s not an excuse but maybe subconsciously these friends are putting it off.

My dm didn't have dementia but was in capacitated. I found her closest friends disappeared as they couldn't cope but a few women on the outer circle really rallied. They had the personality to cope with illness and were amazing. My dm wasn't a very sociable person herself but was amazing at visiting and keeping touch with sick and elderly friends and neighbours. Its like there is a friend for each stage .
Its particularly painful with dementia as its old friends they appreciate most and remember the longest.