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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friends kid off?

27 replies

zebralights · 21/12/2018 18:16

My friends child has ADHD. I sympathise and have always tried to be supportive. However....

The other week they come round for a play date and he broke my mirror. It was an expensive mirror. It wasn't an accident. he tried to pull it if the wall, she said 'no' but he carried on about 4 more times until it came off, smashing on the floor and a big hole in the plaster (he pulled it hard that the nail came out with some of the wall!) I didn't really say much but was upset, loved that mirror and was silently fuming she didn't react sooner and be more pro active in saving my mirror. I am ok with accidents and get that these things happen but this was so calculated and deliberate and her actions were not enough.

Next meet up I suggested we go out instead. He broke something (again deliberately) and later ran out into the road.

At one point my son started to join in doing something dangerous and I told both of them off, they then changed their behaviour as I threatened we would go home immediately if they carried on.

I wouldn't normally tell someone else's child off but it's putting me off meeting up. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Hisnamesblaine · 21/12/2018 18:17

It takes a village!

Orchidflower1 · 21/12/2018 18:24

If your ds was involved then yanbu - he (ds) needs to understand your boundaries.

Thesmallthings · 21/12/2018 18:26

I would have stepped in before the mirror got broke. The mum tried it didn't work, I would stand by and let a child carry on breaking my stuff.

NoShelfElf · 21/12/2018 18:27

ADHD means you need to offer support and try to help him to cope with the situation. It doesn't mean you have to accept him deliberately damaging your home. I think you need to have a proper chat with your friend and let her know you care for her son but that this is not acceptable.
A tough one for sure, but as a previous poster said, it takes a village. All the best

CottonSock · 21/12/2018 18:28

I look after a child 1x per week that I tell off more than my own. sounds very similar. He once threw a whole shelf of my work stuff onto the floor just because.

Starlight456 · 21/12/2018 18:30

My child has ADHD.

You cannot not parent them because you have ADHD. It is bloody tough but not ok .

How old is dc ?

I don’t think your friendship will survive.

ShawshanksRedemption · 21/12/2018 18:32

ADHD can make kids quite impulsive, so they need to be carefully guided to make good choices rather than just left to their own devices. His mum should have been far more proactive and taken him away from the mirror and directed him to play with something else.

If he runs into the road, then he needs to know that is unsafe and needs very firm boundaries to keep him safe (ie holding an adult hand at all times on a busy road).

It's not the lads fault, it's his parent for not stepping up, although parenting a child with ADHD can be exhausting so she may be fed up of telling him no, him not listening and she feels "whats the point?". Does she get any support?

TL:DR no URNBU at all to get involved if it's at your home and/or it involves your DS.

Original poster
zebralights · 21/12/2018 18:34

The child is 6. I am gutted, she's one of my best friends and I know if I attack her parenting it would crush her. But I also know me just fonbing her off and stopping contact would be equally awful

OP posts:
Original poster
zebralights · 21/12/2018 18:36

She gets support - it's a two parent household but I think they both are tired like most parents.

OP posts:
Kitsandkids · 21/12/2018 19:03

I think I would have told him off when he purposely pulled the mirror off the wall!

FrancisCrawford · 21/12/2018 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KateGrey · 21/12/2018 19:17

I have two kids diagnosed with autism and adhd and one doesn’t sleep. It is hard but you do have to be more vigilant. If you care about the mum please don’t give up on her yet. Being a parent to a child with Sen is exhausting and a lot of people do drop us. If your friend doesn’t step in would she be offended if you did?

Original poster
zebralights · 21/12/2018 19:39

I really love her and imagine it must be so hard to have a child with adhd. I also have a child with SN

  • one of my children is deaf. They do show frustration and the odd outburst as a result but behaviour is good for the age even compared to children who don't have SN.

I know the sadness of friends not being supportive and ditching you. But my children's safety comes first and I won't tolerate them joining in. I haven't asked for payment (we managed to repair the wall ourselves, so it's just the mirror). I won't ask for payment either although she offered. It's just i don't like the idea of telling someone else's child off (I was almost very stern with him) but the alternative is to not go out with them again....

OP posts:
KateGrey · 21/12/2018 20:01

I think that’s what you have to weigh up. Do you want to tell him off or distance yourself? I found my kids harder work when they were young. They weren’t destructive but quite impulsive as it is part of their condition. And I did end up isolating myself because I couldn’t face people judging me or them distancing themselves. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to put your child’s safety at risk.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2018 20:21

I would have stepped in when he wasn't listening to his mum if it was my things he was messing with.

MsJudgemental · 21/12/2018 20:30

I have worked with many children with SN but I have never had any qualms about telling off a child misbehaving in my house. I would have told her to source and pay for an identical replacement mirror.

Original poster
zebralights · 21/12/2018 20:37

I think I've had a change of heart, I will take the money after all for a new mirror. I actually think that's best for us all - I get a new mirror and she won't be under the illusion that it's ok and behaviour that's ok. I really wish I'd told him off more myself now, and maybe it wouldn't have come to this...

OP posts:
CommanderDaisy · 21/12/2018 20:38

I have lost my shit on a friends 3 children. 8,12 and 14. They were fighting and screaming at each other and it was getting physical, chairs knocked over , drinks spilled etc.. It had gone on for about 10 minutes,and this was not the first time. Their mum was out with her partner and they were staying with us for a holiday as a family.
We are not a family where we scream and beat each other up and call everyone every swear word we know. We do manners and conversation.
I had a massive cookbook on the bench, and I thumped it down really hard - and yelled "ENOUGH". They all leapt in the air with fright, stopped and then I had a bit of talk to them about respect for one another, that violence against siblings was not the way to get what you want and one of them would get bitten by our very distressed dog. We then discussed the cause of the problem, I solved it ( no one was happy as I disconnected the internet till they could behave) and away we went.
Told friends of 25 years what I had done when they got back from their date night, and there were well behaved children for the rest of the trip.
The effect of my outburst latest a while, with the oldest telling me she hadn't realised carrying on like that wasn't normal and she was embarrassed.
I don't care whose child it is, I will not tolerate that kind of shit.

Graphista · 21/12/2018 22:18

My first reaction was "how bloody dangerous" BOTH adults present are unreasonable for not intervening in the mirror incident he could have been seriously hurt!

No condition excuses lack of parenting. You may need to parent differently but you still parent.

Yanbu to tell him off, I never have a problem telling children off ESPECIALLY if it's to stop them hurting themselves or others.

I'm a big girl if their parents take issue I'm perfectly capable of (and have) saying to them why I did what I did and even giving them a dressing down too!

Safety before hurt feelings.

BottleOfJameson · 21/12/2018 22:24

I would definitely accept the money for the mirror. If my child had done that I'd have been mortified and would feel a bit better if my friend at least accepted some money. If she isn't mortified then at least she's accepting responsibility for what her child did and might take action a bit quicker next time.

Original poster
zebralights · 21/12/2018 22:35

@Graphista full disclosure - it wasn't actually a mirror I've changed details to be anonymous. But the principal is the same, something valuable of mine did get pulled off the wall and broken, it just wasn't a mirror.

OP posts:
Original poster
zebralights · 21/12/2018 22:37

I think I've been making so many allowances for the ADHD as I wanted to be understanding. But when I told him off when we were out, I got down to eye level and said very sternly that if he did it again we were going home and would never come back. He did then stop. So I do think it's my friend not being strict enough Sad

OP posts:
Helix1244 · 21/12/2018 22:56

Im on the fence as to have been diagnosed adhd he would have had to be the same at school etc.
I think when you are there it is possible to prevent them doing things by physically removing them. But once there is noone there to stop them they are impulsive again.
Also kids can respond differently to somone else telling them off but doesnt mean they wont start challenging you later.

Im not sure but he may be more impulsive after running around/when tired etc.
Imo friend should understand you will be nervous about dc in your house so may be more strong with saying dont touch that or you may have to go home.

Wearywithteens · 21/12/2018 22:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/12/2018 23:04

There’s a chance that she could have told him off in exactly the same way that you did but without it generating the same response. It’s not unheard of for children to be better behaved for adults who are not their parents.

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