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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hopeless teen?

37 replies

socksandcrocs · 21/12/2018 16:01

Have just finished term at sixth form college and feel like it will never get better. Have no friends, isolated myself from those I had, have a terrible relationship with my parents- emotional/physical abuse from dad reported to the school who were unsupportive. Boys spreading rumours they saw my genitalia and that I had a threeway (am a virgin). Used to be a very high achiever, now failing a levels.
Does it get better? Is there any way I can go upwards from here? How can I raise good kids with no example of what good parenting looks like? Have never felt so alone.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 21/12/2018 16:40

It can get better, OP. You can't control other people's behaviour but you can control your own. Study, get your a levels and you can go onto qualifying for a career that you love, where you get to meet like minded people. You can move out of home and define your relationship with your parents on your own terms and as for the wankers at school, in five years time you will walk past them in the street and wonder where you know their faces from, you will have forgotten them so completely. PM me if you want to talk. x

Streambeam · 21/12/2018 16:45

Want to know what I take from your post?

-You are deep-thinking and reflective.
-Your are intelligent and academically able.

  • You are ambitious.
-You are self-aware.
  • You care about others and relationships are important to you.

In addition to these admirable qualities, you also:

-are being bullied

  • have a difficult home life
-have had an unhappy and abusive upbriging.

For you to be such a well-rounded (if unhappy) young person, in these circumstances, is remarkable and you should be feeling very proud of yourself.

I’m sure anyone who found themselves without supportive family or friends would be feeling down and anxious, it’s mot a personal failing, it’s a completely normal way to feel in your circumstances.

There is so much hope for you! Things absolutely can and will get better. You just need some support, the feeling that somebody is on your side. How are the staff at your sixth form? Is there anyone you can confide in?
What about online friends?
Family?
We’re here for you as well xx

Streambeam · 21/12/2018 16:48

Can you maybe reach out to reconnect with one or two of your old friends? Christmas is an ideal time to do that.

Streambeam · 21/12/2018 17:07

Also, I want to reassure you that having an unhappy upbringing doesn’t mean you will be a poor parent. I have a friend who was in and out of care as a child, a really dreadful upbringing, but she is now a truly wonderful mother. She waiting quite a long time before having children, until she felt mature and ready enough. Are you pregnant?

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 21/12/2018 17:18

Is moving school an option? I wouldn't stop reporting - if it is sexual assault then it is a police matter.

Is it possible for you to start A-levels again? Or can you still get what you need grade wise?

Also see what your options are with respect to leaving home, contact the council since it is legal for you to leave home.
You know what is right and wrong and if you have a plan for the future that is the first stage. For me, leaving my home town and going to University saved my life. I cannot see why you cannot restart your A Levels elseware?

Original poster
socksandcrocs · 21/12/2018 17:58

Thank you, these messages are very kind. Moving school isn't really possible, and this low mood in particular was bought on by me attempting to rekindle a friendship which was rebuked. When term starts again aim afraid of having no one to talk to and being talked about by others, and I have struggled to find motivation to attend lessons leading to low attendance and contempt from the staff. It isn't sexual, but the constant degradation and manipulation can be extremely wearing and often resets in what he calls "physical discipline" E.G hitting me, pulling my hair out or throwing objects. I just want a peaceful happy life yet can barely get up in the morning!

OP posts:
Mag1cMarket · 21/12/2018 18:02

I would suggest joining a group that does the Duke of Edinburgh's Award. This may occur at your school or meet up outside school. It is a great opportunity to meet other people, learn new skills, volunteer, travel locally or abroad. I would also suggest doing a Strange John's Ambulance or Red Cross first aid course, which are normally free and good to learn life skills, meet people, gain a life skill. These are also things that you can put on your CV for further education or employment. Good luck.

Mag1cMarket · 21/12/2018 18:03

You could also investigate getting a part time job

Mag1cMarket · 21/12/2018 18:04

Should read St John's Ambulance *

Original poster
socksandcrocs · 21/12/2018 18:07

I have a part time job at a cafe and get a few shifts a week which I would like to put towards moving out but I haven idea how much that is likely to cost!

OP posts:
LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 21/12/2018 18:07

Can you visit your GP? You're old enough to go without a parent knowing or needing to find out. They might be able to point you in the right direction for some help and support.
It's a shame the school were so unsupportive, is that the same one you're at now? Do you have a tutor you can trust that you can talk to? I think most colleges have a student welfare centre so they might be able to help too.
I really hope you can find some help and things improve.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 21/12/2018 18:08

As an aside, I love your username.

loubluee · 21/12/2018 18:10

Sweetheart please keep reporting to the school the abuse you are going through. This should be raising red flags.

As for being a good parent. I and many others on here had crap parenting. But sometime it goes to make us the better parents as we treat our children in a way we never wanted to be treated but wore.

As for friendships. Are there any clubs or societies you could join during school hours or out of school? A lot of friendships are made through the joy of the same hobby.

Sorry you are feeling so bad at this time of year. I hope you have an enjoyable Christmas

LuluBellaBlue · 21/12/2018 18:14

Just wanted to send you some love and to say there’s good people out there. Please keep talking on here, seek out your own tribe and you will get there.
Lots of brave strong love to you Flowers

Mag1cMarket · 21/12/2018 18:16

Moving out costs slot of money ! Please concentrate on passing your exams. Try joining some clubs at school or locally. Try volunteering. If you are busy, you won't need to spend much time at home.

dingit · 21/12/2018 18:18

Would another family member help you. Uncle, Aunt?

Skyejuly · 21/12/2018 18:18

This was me many years ago. I couldn't see a way it would get better. Trust me...it will. Xx

billybagpuss · 21/12/2018 18:22

Are you year 12 or 13? In my experience with my DD's this is very very common at this age.

I promise you it will get better, both my DD's had a dreadful year 12 in one way or another, they both had friendship issues and both ended up repeating year 12 completely at a different college which was the best thing that could have happened, both now very happy and at various stages of Uni.

Your home life is more worrying to me as that is abusive, is he also abusive towards your mum are you able to talk to her? If not try talking to your GP or asking them for advice, I'm sure there will also be advise on here from people more knowledgeable who can suggest who you can talk to. Does childline still exist?

As for school, I'm sure there are many people feeling the same as you, especially if you are Y12 and its all fairly new, its almost like starting anew again. It has been a ridiculously long term, tempers are getting fraught you all need the break. Hopefully in the spring term it will feel a little more settled. If you can try and drag yourself to lessons and throw yourself into it as right now you need a confidence boost.

The other thing I would suggest is getting an appointment with your GP as your mental health is clearly suffering. You can also request a blood test to check various levels like B12 which may well be impacting on your mood you may also be able to access some counselling but you'll have to push for that as they are so badly stretched. It will also get better as the light levels start to improve.

nicslackey · 21/12/2018 18:32

OP, you sound so articulate and mature. I haven't really any more advice to add to what has been said but I send my best wishes to you. The way you express yourself leads me to believe you will achieve great things, and will go through life with the gift of empathy. This time will pass, I promise.

HopefulCivilServant · 21/12/2018 19:57

So sorry to hear about what you’re going through and how you’re feeling, OP FlowersFlowers We’re all here for you.

I promise it does get better Flowers

To help you feel better, it might be good to think about what you enjoy doing - what are your hobbies and things you like doing? Try and fit in doing some of these at least a couple of times a week if you can and then see if that helps. It’ll be a positive step and will hopefully be a way of helping you to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that things will get better Flowers

What are your dreams and ambitions? Thinking about these and where you’d like to be in a few years’ time can also be a helpful way to keep on track and to stay focussed even when things are very difficult.

Good luck - and chin up Flowers

recklessruby · 21/12/2018 22:32

Oh OP I m so sorry for the rotten deal you're getting!
Yr 12 is hard enough when you have a loving supportive family and friends
Is there anyone in less immediate family who could help?
My dd s friend moved in with us at age 16 due to her stepmother s abuse and her father doing nothing about it.
They are 25 and 24 now but she's still like an extra daughter.
You're intelligent. You will get the right A levels and get out of it by going to uni.
A part time job is good, you can save up.
Please talk to a tutor you trust or see citizens advice bureau and local council to see if you can get emergency accommodation. GPs can also talk to the council to help you.
I m so sorry you're going through this awful time but it won't be forever.
Stay safe xx

namechangersss · 21/12/2018 22:36

I'm pretty much the same at 19

MaidenMotherCrone · 21/12/2018 22:44

Uni is your way out lovely. Try and focus on that.

AuntMarch · 21/12/2018 23:01

It's awful to feel lonely and gossiped about, but if you can block them out and concentrate on your studies you'll be at uni before you know it, making new friends who share your interests, and getting away from home.

In the mean time please look in to the pastoral care provision at your school/college to find someone to talk to. Is it the same school you disclosed to before or have you moved for 6th form?
The staff have a duty of care and should be recording concerns and disclosures. If they take no notice again, please consider reaching out to other agencies.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 22/12/2018 00:01

Another thought, do you have a list of self care activities you can do for yourself? I'm currently going through some intensive therapy and the self care afterwards is essential to help me get through the day after a session.

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