Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think where we Iive is fine

50 replies

Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:30

DH is always unhappy about where we live (we have a flat in a lovely old building from before having children and always meant to move).

It's a large flat and before we had children we made one bedroom into two and had two lodgers, which paid the mortgage. So, it is quite spacious.

It was quite tricky when the two DCs were little but we managed, it has a shared garden and park very close by. Now those years are over and they are in their tweens / teens, it is starting to be much easier.

In particular, I love being in the city centre (small compact city) I don;t drive and it is easy for the DCs to walk to school, the shops, any activities, it helps them be independant. I can see for the future, it could work well, for them and us. No need to downsize in retirement. DH is 50 and I'm in my 40s, it's not like we are a young family with small children anymore.

I'm happy here. We've been here over 20 years. DH however is still holding on to his dream of a family house, own garden, and maybe a dog (I'm not sure of a dog at all as feel it may fall to me to look after it)

He's self employed and next year the mortgage on the flat will be paid off. and as it is in a good location it's worth similar to probably, a small 2 bed house in our city. the flat has 3 beds, so suitable for us.

I can't see we will find anything like a house with 3 beds so close to the centre and dread the thought of moving out. It feels safe here also as is well lit and pedestrianised 5 mins trip into town.

I feel he is not looking ahead (in ten years time he'll be 60, me in 50s and DCs in their 20s) but is still in the past, like we are in a student flat and need to get our 'family home'.

Does it make sense of am I being strange wanting to stay here. As he thinks I am. It just seems to make sense, to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:32

PS didn't make it clear, we didn't have lodgers and the children at the same time!

OP posts:
posthistoricmonsters · 21/12/2018 12:35

That's a difficult one for me to analyse. I don't think YABU because it sounds perfect, even if it's not a stand alone house. I assume there's still ground rent to pay (we moved into our first owned property, a flat, this week) which he may be thinking of as well. But I can get an idea for how you feel, because whilst we have no garden at all, you do have a shared one so that's a bonus, and being that close to town is nice. You have the space for grandkids to stay one day. But I can also see how he's obviously waited a long time for this dream of his, and that he obviously feels let down.

Pernickity1 · 21/12/2018 12:38

I have a nice big house in the country and I dream of having what you have OP! I think it would be so much better for my DCs if we lived in a city.

I do understand your husband wanting a house/dog as it’s what most aspire to particularly with small children, but if you’ve already gone past that stage then I can’t see the point? As your children become teens they will just end up needing lifts to town etc. and it will be a hassle whereas now they can just walk out the door.

YANBU to want to stay where you are. Maybe write out a pros/con list with your DH and he might see how good you already have it?

Original poster
Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:38

I think he resents the house committee thing ( he has somehow become in charge of it, to save paying a management committee I think) and it is a pain. A hassle, chasing up the other flats for things e.g. we share paying a cleaner for the hall stairs once a month. He just wants freedom for that. Maybe I can work around that. Yes there are other charges, but with the mortgage paid off it should be OK. It costs an awful lot to rent a similar flat here in this location so we're lucky really. I love the park nearby and would really miss that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:41

I also wonder if it is a 'grass is always greener' thing, or possibly a kind of mid life thing? Not sure. The secondary school is right in the centre so unlike others who need to make long trips ours can just walk, so that is a big bonus for the next few years anyway. and if they went to go to uni or college locally, or get a part time job, they could walk or easily catch the bus. It just makes sense.

OP posts:
FormerlyFrikadela01 · 21/12/2018 12:41

Yanbu but neither is your dp. You say he's not looking to the future but maybe he's thinking of a retirement of pottering in the garden and going for long walks with a dog. Maybe inner city living isn't really his cup of tea anymore and he fancies something a bit quieter.

I have no answers. Just that both of you sound to have equally valid ideas, no idea how to resolve it though.

Original poster
Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:44

I guess the ideal thing would be a city centre house, find if we were very rich! I tried getting us an allotment but that didn't work out. As with most things a compromise I guess. Or maybe I can show him what we might get for the similar money in terms of a (tiny terraced) house and that might put him off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:46

It's not the quiet as it's really quiet here. old part of town, in a square. It's very peaceful really. Mainly older retired people and young professional couples.

OP posts:
FormerlyFrikadela01 · 21/12/2018 12:50

I thinkntou need to both sit and have an open and honest discussion. Not a Or maybe I can show him what we might get for the similar money in terms of a (tiny terraced) house and that might put him off" but a discussion about what you BOTH want and how you could get it. Because to be honest it sounds like you think only your wants are valid.

ASimpleLampoon · 21/12/2018 12:50

YANBU. My house is similar. We have a two bedroom house, small, garden, next to a park, 10 mins from school, close to city centre and everything. We have a low mortgage. It was never meant to be a family home, more of a first time buyer's thing, but the way the cost of living and house prices are now, if we were to move to a larger property the price we would pay would be both of us having to work full time until we are elderly, no thanks I'd rather have lower outgoings and make do with less than all that stress just to have more room. I think we are lucky with what we've got to be honest, but I get pressure from other people to move but I really don't think its worth it.

Mayrhofen · 21/12/2018 12:50

I was totally on your side until I read about him having to be the property manager and the hassle associated with that.

I think getting rid of that responsibility should be the first thing to consider.

Then perhaps review things when your DC are of age and looking to go to uni or get jobs and move out themselves perhaps?

DaedricLordSlayer · 21/12/2018 12:50

I'm with you. I like our home at the moment, and always wanted to have no neighbours and a big garden to play at the good life. But......

I actually think my dad's little flat with a little shared garden is the dogs bollocks. 2 mins walk from town centre, perfect log fire pubs with live music all walking distance, well just about everything is walking distance Train station, gyms, loads of social events and clubs and stuff, commons and countryside. He sometimes doesn't use his car for weeks! Our teens love staying at grandads.

I really would move there or somewhere similar now, but jobs and stuff means it won't happen anytime soon.

I think you and your teens would feel miserable leaving all you have behind to move out to a suburb, your DH may feel he's accomplished "being an adult" status and be happy, but it may wear off too.

whatamidoingwithmylife · 21/12/2018 12:52

Maybe your best bet would be to have someone in to value the flat, take off a reasonable amount for fees, house moves etc and then get brochures for houses around that amount to show him your choices - it's likely it might not live up to his expectations. If you already have a lot of space he might be surprised how small the properties actually are for similar money. Make sure he checks the area crime stats too for anywhere he's considering - that's put me off moving a few times!

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 21/12/2018 12:52

Mainly older retired people and young professional couples.

Or maybe he wants your children to grow up around other families. You might like the convenience of inner city but thousands of families live in the suburbs and bus it to school... it really isn't the end of the world.

Cornettoninja · 21/12/2018 12:52

Would you be up for a trial once the mortgage is paid? So rent out your flat for a year and rent a house similar to what you could afford?

I would do that on the understanding it wasn’t a definite yes we’ll move but as a chance for his wants to be given fair consideration.

Original poster
Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:53

With the property management thing, it would be possible to change that to a management committee. and pay for it instead. Especially when the mortgage was paid off. He doesn't have to do it, really. (I think he maybe likes being in charge of it really but also doesn't like the hassle)

OP posts:
Original poster
Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:55

DC are old enough to go and visit others in their homes also, it;s pretty small here and others are in walking distance. Ours is more on way home from school so that's not an issue really. We're past the days of play dates anyway. They tend to do more after school activities with friends really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:57

The renting is a good idea. Yes we have thought of that a little. Other thing could be holiday lets. A flat below does this. as is so central might be do-able.

OP posts:
Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 21/12/2018 12:57

It seems quite an odd time to do it. Ten years ago the move would've made a lot more sense, with young children who'd have really got the benefit of the garden. Yours are just getting to the age where being central comes into it's own!

pinkdelight · 21/12/2018 12:58

Is it not itchy feet as much as anything? I'd feel pretty trapped if I was in the same flat from pre-kids, through to a future being retired there. Your argument may be logical, but that doesn't mean he has to like it. A lot of people dream of their own place (not a flat with shared garden and committee responsibilities) and would want some sense of change/progress/adventure rather than seeing the future stretching out in the same place. You say you feel scared at the thought of living somewhere else, but maybe he finds that safety cloying? Maybe the risk of moving to the wrong place is worth the gamble to live somewhere that feels more than 'fine'? I'm not saying you're being strange to want to stay. But nor is he being strange wanting to move. If he'll be 60 in 10 years, then that's arguably more reason to move sooner rather than later.

AspergersMum · 21/12/2018 12:59

We have parallel lives Home77 Smile We too would like a house, but the kids wouldn't have many years there then we'd be back to not needing so much space. It feels weird, not doing the going-up-the-ladder thing then downsizing, but I'm sure we'll both be saving loads on moving fees from all the times we haven't moved!

DaedricLordSlayer · 21/12/2018 13:01

renting or holiday let is a great idea.

AspergersMum · 21/12/2018 13:01

We've considered renting out our flat, and renting a house somewhere cheaper, but it has never appealed enough to work out.

Mitzimaybe · 21/12/2018 13:02

I think YANBU, you are being very sensible but there again if it's something you (plural) have always talked about then he's not being unreasonable either.

Maybe draw up your list of "must have"s for a house, then have a look to see whether that matches up with anything on the market.

If his main problem with the flat is the management committee headaches then find a way to resolve that and he might be happier to stay.

FWIW my friend had a 2-bed terrace with private parking within walking distance of the town centre in a very nice town. When they could afford it, her husband persuaded her to move to a large house with a large garden in the remote suburbs. Maintaining it (and the garden) was a huge amount of work. Admittedly he did his fair share but she was resentful that she was forced to spend all of her free time cleaning / gardening / renovating etc. and had a long commute and was isolated from her friends. They split up in the end (not just over the house but it was a factor.)

So, who will do the gardening? Who will look after the dog (you've already said you suspect it will be you.) Who will do the extra cleaning / maintenance etc.?

AspergersMum · 21/12/2018 13:02

(aimed at OP, not daedric)