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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think where we Iive is fine

50 replies

Home77 · 21/12/2018 12:30

DH is always unhappy about where we live (we have a flat in a lovely old building from before having children and always meant to move).

It's a large flat and before we had children we made one bedroom into two and had two lodgers, which paid the mortgage. So, it is quite spacious.

It was quite tricky when the two DCs were little but we managed, it has a shared garden and park very close by. Now those years are over and they are in their tweens / teens, it is starting to be much easier.

In particular, I love being in the city centre (small compact city) I don;t drive and it is easy for the DCs to walk to school, the shops, any activities, it helps them be independant. I can see for the future, it could work well, for them and us. No need to downsize in retirement. DH is 50 and I'm in my 40s, it's not like we are a young family with small children anymore.

I'm happy here. We've been here over 20 years. DH however is still holding on to his dream of a family house, own garden, and maybe a dog (I'm not sure of a dog at all as feel it may fall to me to look after it)

He's self employed and next year the mortgage on the flat will be paid off. and as it is in a good location it's worth similar to probably, a small 2 bed house in our city. the flat has 3 beds, so suitable for us.

I can't see we will find anything like a house with 3 beds so close to the centre and dread the thought of moving out. It feels safe here also as is well lit and pedestrianised 5 mins trip into town.

I feel he is not looking ahead (in ten years time he'll be 60, me in 50s and DCs in their 20s) but is still in the past, like we are in a student flat and need to get our 'family home'.

Does it make sense of am I being strange wanting to stay here. As he thinks I am. It just seems to make sense, to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:05

I guess I can see what we would be losing, it is lovely being able to just walk to the cinema/ cafes / restaurants etc and just when we are getting the chance to again, to give that up! He has also been wanting another baby recently. Think he is still in that young family mindset perhaps.

Well, for a change we could look at a different flat / building / house but would need to be by the DC's secondary school for the next 8 years at least. if he really wanted to change. Not sure we'd find anything with 3 beds though so central.

OP posts:

DeepanKrispanEven · 21/12/2018 13:08

I can see his point, to be honest. I would hate in particular only to have a shared garden, in addition to all the faff that goes around sharing a house.

Does the alternative have to be a small two bedroomed house in the city? Why not a larger house outside it? Your children are old enough to be reasonably independent in terms of travelling on public transport. If it's in something like a village, that would cater for basic shopping needs and of course you can get things delivered.

Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:08

No, I don't think it is something we always thought about. I did used to get a bit cross when they are babies not being able to just open the door into the garden, and the buggy etc, being tricky but that is not a problem now. There wasn't any big plan for a 'family home' etc. I can't really remember as it was 20 years ago...

OP posts:

DeepanKrispanEven · 21/12/2018 13:09

Why does a house have to be by the DC's school? Very few secondary schoolchildren live that near to their schools.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 21/12/2018 13:10

Sounds fab there OP!!!

I think a good place to bring kids up is in or near a big town (or city) centre (for all the culture/art/museums/concert venues/good transport/general stuff going on,) OR in a rural village. I hate the suburbs, and I say this as someone who lived in the suburbs for 15 years! First the city, then suburbs through my 30's and 40's, and now a little rural village, where there is a strong community, hobby groups, a little school with 40 kids, a Church, a Parish Hall, and lovely woodlands and fields surrounding me.

The kids who grew up here, loved it, but moved away for more 'excitement' at 18ish, (to uni, or travelling,) but they all came back in their late 20's, and now they're raising their kids here.

I would stay if I were you, but it's hard when one of you isn't content.. As a pp said, write a pros and cons list down. From what you have sad, I would stay. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.......................

Johnnycomelately1 · 21/12/2018 13:11

YANBU but I understand where your Dh is coming from as I’m a bit the same. We never bought our ‘forever home’ ( we moved overseas shortly after marriage and have rented for 11 years - live in an Asian city where property prices make London’s look reasonable). Even though I know when we move back it doesn’t make sense to buy a big house just as the kids are getting into secondary and we are almost 50, a little part of me feels I need to tick that box. But deep down I know it would become a millstone round my neck.

Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:12

"Why not a larger house outside it? Your children are old enough to be reasonably independent in terms of travelling on public transport. If it's in something like a village, that would cater for basic shopping needs and of course you can get things delivered."

What would be gained from that though? I grew up in the middle of no-where myself and resented it as a teen, having to go miles for anything, nothing to do..it was really boring. I'd miss, well everything, art galleries, library, the shops, meeting people, the gym / swimming pool. Would be isolated and fed up. Have never gardened (and is lovely allotment gardening group in the park if wanted to have a go) What would there be to do?

OP posts:

Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:13

"a little part of me feels I need to tick that box. But deep down I know it would become a millstone round my neck."

Wonder how much of this is the feeling that people have 'made it' to have a big, family 'forever home'. Not sure. Definitely seems to be the aim in my DH's family. His siblings etc.

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masterandmargarita · 21/12/2018 13:16

Purely from a fairness point of view, you've had it your way for many years, may be it's time for him to have it his way now

museumum · 21/12/2018 13:17

I think your home sounds perfect. The only thing I’d miss is a garden. We lived in a similar property but moved out for a garage because of bikes. We all cycle and we needed the garage if we hadn’t we’d have looked to stay central but in a ground floor flat with a garden or at least patio.

Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:18

No, he chose this flat. He does love it too and the location.

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explodingkitten · 21/12/2018 13:18

With the mortgage paid off, could you afford to buy a rural cabin type of thing with a garden as a weekend home?

Johnnycomelately1 · 21/12/2018 13:20

Wonder how much of this is the feeling that people have 'made it' to have a big, family 'forever home'. Not sure.

Yep- this is basically where I've got to. As a result of having my DC overseas I've done the "garden years" without and actually it's been totally fine and there have been lots of advantages of living right in the city (10 minute walk to work etc). I don't even like gardening . When they're in secondary there is zero benefit to moving out of a city other than if school quality dictates.

Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:20

Well, the closeness of the school is a real bonus both in terms of bus costs and it is easier for them to make their own way there and back after after school activities, which are on most nights. They can walk it but bus it in bad weather. Transport costs are not cheap round here and it adds up. Also traffic on roads coming into town is a nightmare and would add a lot of stress and time to the journey, on a daily basis. Walking past the traffic is a real bonus, no parking costs either as have a residents pass.

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Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:21

The cabin, well be does already have a rural industrial unit for his business which is in a nice location!

OP posts:

DeepanKrispanEven · 21/12/2018 13:22

I grew up in the middle of no-where myself and resented it as a teen, having to go miles for anything, nothing to do..it was really boring. I'd miss, well everything, art galleries, library, the shops, meeting people, the gym / swimming pool.

The choice isn't only between living in the middle of the city and living in the middle of nowhere, though, is it? There are all sorts of variations between those extremes.

As for all those activities - loads of people manage to do all those things despite not having them all within walking distance. I do myself.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2018 13:22

You start off by saying he's always been unhappy and move to he loves it. It can't be both. And I suspect you're putting all what you see as positives to sway opinion to you.

The truth is neither of you are unreasonable, and you likely need to find a compromise, not have somewhere one is happy and rhe other is not.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 21/12/2018 13:23

The dog thing hasn't been much mentioned yet, but there shouldn't be a dog if you're not both on board, and in particular if the person who's likely to get lumbered with more of the looking after doesn't want it.

Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:23

(which is a bit like a shed really I suppose)

OP posts:

DaedricLordSlayer · 21/12/2018 13:23

masterandmargarita but OP hasn't had it her way, she just posted how hated it when the DC were small, now their place is just starting to work for them, OP and her DH have more freedom to take advantage of living close to the centre and her DC are at an age when being close to everything, friends and stuff is is also a massive plus.

Neverunderfed · 21/12/2018 13:24

Neither of you are being unreasonable. You seem to be thinking of ways to prove to him that he is incorrect.

Could someone else step up to manage the property things? You could do it perhaps?

kayakingmum · 21/12/2018 13:28

My advice is let him look, if he wants to look. He may find something you love even more.
If you love where you live and he hates chasing up people etc could you take over that role? He may be less of a rush to move if you do that.

Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:30

We have this vault under the house for bikes etc so that is ok. The management thing is not really an issue really. It's definitely one of the other owner's turn, or could pay a management committee.

OP posts:

DaedricLordSlayer · 21/12/2018 13:30

As for all those activities - loads of people manage to do all those things despite not having them all within walking distance

yeah but there is difference if you have all the advantages first, when you give them up you miss them a lot.

Original poster

Home77 · 21/12/2018 13:30

but yes I could help with it I suppose.

OP posts:

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