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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit hurt that my Dad never seems to like his presents?

63 replies

Alwaysunderwhelming · 20/12/2018 20:30

This is a bit sad as I'm 29 and this is such a little problem.

Every year I try really hard to pick presents for those I love. I'm known as quite a good gift giver as I put care into my shopping and try to get what they'd want.

Every time I give my Dad a present he is thoroughly underwhelmed, says "that's good", handles it briefly and puts it down and gets back to whatever he's doing on his iPad.

I gave him a present for his birthday this week and he was, as usual, hugely unimpressed and went back to his iPad where I saw him googling the value of a Christmas hamper he's expecting from a client this week.

He works in London and eats at amazing restaurants and goes out to fancy places with clients. I can't compete with that as hard as I try.

I put effort into sorting out the dining table and cake for his birthday and he didn't even go and look, just made pizza as usual and sat on the sofa.

I feel slightly heart broken every time it happens and I don't know why I expect it to be different. I'm dreading Christmas day again. Often he just tells us to our faces that a present isn't what he wanted or he won't use it.

My mum works part time and my brother isn't on a huge salary. I'm back at uni so have little disposable income but we so our best.

I just wish he'd pretend I'd done a good job.

OP posts:
rebelrosie12 · 20/12/2018 21:26

Just say 'look I'd really like to get you something you would like, if you can't think of anything then I'll just get something next time'

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 20/12/2018 21:28

There's no excuse for behaviour like that, he's just an asshole. Give him a card and nothing else.

OnBail · 20/12/2018 21:28

My PIL are the same, no matter what we buy for Christmas it was never used or wanted. We tried to give really thoughtful presents that we thought they would like. Presents related to their hobby etc. Everything would remain unopened or given away.

Now I just get them any old shit and don’t give it a second thought.

Original poster
Alwaysunderwhelming · 20/12/2018 21:31

When I was a kid he was never that impressed with stuff I made, he's not kept anything. Mum has boxes full of shite I've drawn and made but dad was never arsed.

My main memory of making stuff as a kid was dad trying to show me how to do it "right" immediately after.

OP posts:
Jamiefraserskilt · 20/12/2018 21:39

Choose an animal from somewhere like Hillside animal sanctuary in Norfolk and sponsor it in his name. They take in all sorts from farm to domestic and the odd exotic..that way they benefit whether he is interested or not. Sponsor pack gives him something to receive.

greenlanes · 20/12/2018 22:28

My dad is very similar - not from arrogance - but from a head injury and now dementia. So this year - it is a box of shortbread from M&S (anything to encourage the diabetes!) and socks. So I do agree with many pp = keep it small and not overboard.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 20/12/2018 22:42

A lot of older men don't like presents, it doesn't matter what they are. It can actually upset them and they are trying not to show how it makes them feel.

STOP giving him presents you are upsetting him. At worst give him a card, maybe give him a hug but please stop giving him presents you are only doing it for yourself and your ignoring what he wants.

Original poster
Alwaysunderwhelming · 20/12/2018 22:58

I'm not doing it for myself Hmm I'm trying to make him happy.

Frankly the idea that I'm actively harming him emotionally with gifts is bizarre.

My nan gets me something I wouldn't choose to buy every year. I take it gracefully, compliment it and quietly give it away.

He's an adult not a fragile child.

OP posts:
TheMincePiesAreMine · 20/12/2018 23:07

He probably thinks that handling it for a bit and saying it's good IS, as you put it, "taking it gracefully and complimenting".

My dad's the same. I remind myself he hasn't actually chosen a gift for me since about 1998 when he last had an idea, so it's a bit bloody rich for him to be rude about my gifts. He's told me I'm like him and am just rubbish at gifts, unlike my sister... He is a very kind man in other ways, but in terms of being helpful rather than avoiding hurting people's feelings.

I agree with PPs, you just have to simplify. Start buying him wine every year, or a spirit or chocolates he once said he liked.

Original poster
Alwaysunderwhelming · 20/12/2018 23:21

Thanks, I think you're right. One pair of socks and shortbread every year.

The irony is that every year he spends a shit ton of money on stuff mum doesn't want or need (and she's extremely easy to buy for and will tell you what she wants).

He just told my mum that he won't even bother opening one of the small gifts she got him, she looked crestfallen and he gave her a jokey apology.

OP posts:
OnAScaleOf1to10ItsA7 · 21/12/2018 10:49

Honestly this man sounds awful and emotionally abusive. He gets a kick out of making you all feel like shit.

Goldenbear · 21/12/2018 11:31

My Dad is similar so I have sympathy. He did have a very lavish lifestyle- not anymore but I can't think of anything that he particularly feels passionate about except politics. He is very disturbed by cruelties and injustice in the world but in his personal life will oddly have this dismissive approach. We moved to a house last year which is certainly not big enough but it's in an expensive part of the south east and we were pleased with it. Every time my Dad visits he asks how we can contemplate living here as it's so small! He likes reading so last year I bought him abook voucher, I got the same one returned to me for my birthday!

Holidayshopping · 21/12/2018 11:36

A lot of older men don't like presents, it doesn't matter what they are. It can actually upset them and they are trying not to show how it makes them feel.

Why though?!

Goldenbear · 21/12/2018 11:36

Sorry, I described expensive area to live in to explain that we didn't have much choice in being able to buy a bigger house. We could've moves but my husband's job and children's schools made that more complicated.

Goldenbear · 21/12/2018 11:37

Yes, I'm curious about that, how is it cruel?

Yinv · 21/12/2018 11:41

Time to stop Christmas presents for adults.

Ellisandra · 21/12/2018 11:42

This is what a 200g bar of Dairy Milk was invented for. Your dad is a dickhead. Stop running around trying to please him.

gerispringer · 21/12/2018 11:45

Make a charity donation or just stop buying presents.

adaline · 21/12/2018 11:52

My dad is similar, he's just not interested in presents and never has been. He prefers experiences - so I'll pay for dinner at his favourite restaurant, or get him tickets to a show or similar. There's no point buying him stuff - he has more money than I do and just buys himself things he wants through the year. Even if it's Christmas Eve he'll go out and buy himself shoes or socks or a book that he's had his eye on!

He's not a bad person he's just not into presents, so I've learnt to just roll with it.

Bluelady · 21/12/2018 12:01

The thing is as you get older and have more disposable income, you buy yourself what you want. The best present I've had in the last ten years is a red plastic shoe shaped sellotape dispenser! Not wanting more stuff doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

WinterfellWench · 21/12/2018 12:11

I just don't think men get overly excited tbh. YANBU, but don't get too blue about it.

As a few posters have said, just get him something small and basic, like a box of celebrations and a pair of socks. At least he will have good reason to not look excited then!!!

XmasPostmanBos · 21/12/2018 12:14

If someone doesn't really like presents how hard is it to say don't buy me anything, I'd rather the money went on something extra for the kids or a charity donation.

WrapAndRoll · 21/12/2018 12:15

Tell him it would be nice to put the iPad away so you can focus on the gift giving/receiving and each other's company.

5foot5 · 21/12/2018 12:21

I think it is very telling that your Mum buys all the presents - including the ones for his parents. The ones he does buy himself (for your Mum) he gets wrong. He clearly has no idea of the thought and effort that goes in to present buying hence he is not at all appreciative that people have done this for him.

However, reading your later comments about how he was about things you made as a child I think he is just a bit of an arsehole who is totally oblivious to other people's feelings

GlasgowWorrier · 21/12/2018 12:26

Charity present all the way. He's made it really, really clear that gifts aren't going to make him happy, so your £15 might as well be helping a homeless person/neglected animal/food bank on his behalf.