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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my mum to grow up...

40 replies

GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 19:01

Ok, I don't have a special mum- daughter relationship with my mum for different reasons plus the fact that she drives me nuts. However I am civil and try and play the card.

She is quite entitled, She has never worked (dad was a Dr so she lived comfortably off him and now off his pension as he died a few years ago). She is very defensive so I can not talk to her in a direct kind of way or try and show her a different point of view. She has quite a great opinion of herself. She is extremely important she thinks in her church where she does the music even though she sounds crap and thinks everyone loves her. (I'm being frank here).
My siblings and I are fairly introvert, private people and and have always worked in jobs where others are a priority. I'm quite an empathetic person and hate upsetting people or getting into arguments. (sometimes not a good thing I guess).

So tonight, mother was supposed to be collecting my dds and was getting the bus. I was waiting for her when she called in a flustered tone making me think something was wrong.
She'd been waiting for the bus and apparently it had taken a long time. She'd said to the driver 'I've been here an hour as no buses have come'. Driver said 'that's not true' and they got into a tiff. Mum says he humiliated her and was very rude to her probably just told her the truth
So, she got home and said she'd written a letter to the bus company and a local MP!
I messaged saying ' it's Christmas ' and something along the lines of he probably had had a bad day and always gets complaints so maybe she could just drop it. I added that I get difficult situations on a daily basis in my job (I work with SEMH teenagers) and sometimes that's just the way life is. I also thought about all her 'christian' stuff and why the hell she can't forgive and forget over a silly little thing.
She wrote back saying I always take other people's sides and I never supported her etc etc then turned her phone off!

This may seem a small difference of opinion to some but my mother is probably sitting on the phone to her church friends right now crying her eyes out and feeling utterly betrayed by her family. We really are a disgrace!

AIBU to just want my mother to let things go and realise she is not the only one on this planet and to calm down?!

OP posts:
IknowTheBoswellJoke · 20/12/2018 19:07

Why don't you believe her? Bus drivers can be arseholes. You sound a bit cold, why not just sympathise and let her vent.

Original poster
GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 19:19

Because I've known my mum for 38 years. I'm not cold. I am the only child out of five who still lives near her because she left her own children suffering with abuse from a family member so her reputation wouldn't suffer. I have tried desperately hard to connect with her in what are very difficult circumstances.

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Original poster
GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 19:20

So what I mean is really, I do not have a huge amount of respect for her but find her superiority and self entitlement hard to deal with.

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jessstan2 · 20/12/2018 19:28

I doubt she'll change now.

What are her good points?

WinnieFosterTether · 20/12/2018 19:33

Before I read your DM's response I was wondering why you'd taken the bus driver's side over her's and why your empathy doesn't extend to your mum.
I'm not saying she isn't difficult in other ways but you were unkind and contrary for no reason in this instance.

Sandbox · 20/12/2018 19:33

Superior and entitled but is happy to catch a bus to pick up your children.
So she’s not good enough for you to provide a shoulder to cry on but is good enough to do you favours

missyB1 · 20/12/2018 19:33

I just try and let that sort of stuff go over the top of my head. I would have made a sympathetic noise then quickly changed the subject.
Mil and Fil are the same - even down to being important at the church (and frankly obsessed by their church). It always amazes me how unchristian they can be Hmm But I can’t be bothered to argue the toss with them about it.

Birdsgottafly · 20/12/2018 19:41

"because she left her own children suffering with abuse from a family member so her reputation wouldn't suffer"

So you are ongoing punishing her. She didn't have your back, your not going to have hers.

Have your childhood out with her and then proceed from there.

This relationship isn't doing either of you any good.

Do you leave your children with her, even though she failed you? Or wasn't the abuse sexual?

3ismylot · 20/12/2018 19:46

I get why you felt that way about it, It can be hard for people who haven't lived with a toxic parent to understand and it may seem like a tiny one-off issue to some but after 38 years of it, you will totally see the patterns and entitlement.
You can never change your Mother's behaviour and no matter how calmly you try and handle this she will always play the victim, it's what they do.
All you can do is decide how much (or little) contact you want with her going forward and to learn to detach as much as possible, I had to take it as far as no contact but you may be able to find different boundaries.
I think you are right in that she will be slating you to all her 'friends' but it is highly likely they will have her measure (even if they don't seem like it) and will make the right noises to her but let it go over their heads and if they don't then it is not your problem and you should just get on with your own life.
You have done nothing wrong and don't let her tell you otherwise.

Lettermethis · 20/12/2018 19:52

I completely understand OP, my mother is quite a toxic person.

I find NOT getting involved in her dramas is the best way - even if I disagree, I just 'a-huh' and change the subject.

I know it's hard when you can see she's being irrational or unkind as it's natural to call her other on it, but the type of person she is, it's wasted breath.

If you want a relationship with her, don't give her an excuse to vent her frustration towards you. Just agree, pay lip service and move on. Luckily I can always vent to my DH about mine, he knows she's bonkers! Just distance your opinion from her - she'll still create her own chaos.

Flowers
Original poster
GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 19:53

Thankyou so much 3. I'm glad you understand. I know I come across as cold towards but it is intoxicating and she is very manipulative. My siblings wonder why I am still here and say I don't speak out enough.
I've tried for so long to keep things smooth between everyone but there is still an ingrained feeling of betrayal I guess which will never go away as there has been no remorse or apologies to put it to bed.

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Original poster
GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 19:58

Thanks Letter, I often wish I could move away. It's not a 'loving' or normal relationship is it? It's horrid but life would be much easier without having to deal with the constant worry of upsetting someone over trivial things because they will bring on the tears.
I haven't explained myself well in the OP but it's a strange thing. I can never be myself around my mum.

OP posts:
birdladyfromhomealone · 20/12/2018 19:59

You say your DM was getting a bus to collect your DD's.
How would thet feel if you stopped them seeing their nan?

Lettermethis · 20/12/2018 20:00

I think someone only with a toxic patent can understand. You've most likely been nothing but patient and giving.

I do not like my mother. She's immature, selfish and judgemental. Everything is black and white, good or evil. No in between. It's exhausting dealing with her.

But she's my mother and I do love her. I focus on her good points - she's financially generous (as long as you're sufficiently grateful, if you're not it's taken back) and on a good day she's nice enough company, chatty etc.

But there's also a ruined childhood, abandonment and years of emotional abuse that I can't forgive or forget, lurking there between us.

So I get you!

3ismylot · 20/12/2018 20:02

Gosteady you are clearly suffering from FOG which all of us children of toxic parents tend to, unfortunately.
No matter what you do it will never be enough as she will just move the goalposts, I think you should listen to your siblings and accept that she will never be the mother you would have wanted and that it is not your fault.
Toxic mothers don't feel remorse I'm afraid as they never believe they can or have done any wrong, its time to start looking after yourself.

Kikidelivers · 20/12/2018 20:07

Your OP is so derogatory about your mother

Original poster
GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 20:09

How would it feel birdlady? I would not stop them seeing her. I didn't say I would. My DD had asked her if she could take her to the shops so she was coming to get her to take her and her sister for an hour. I usually would have run the children down but I had to wait in. I do collect and take my mum around a lot in the car if she wants to go somewhere and it's rare she'd get the bus to mine.

Letter Flowers Yes, I think they must be similar and that's a very big hole to fill however much you try.

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Lettermethis · 20/12/2018 20:17

It's a very big hole. Always hoping they'll finally become the 'mum' you need.

3 is right when she mentioned FOG - it took me years to see it. I have clear boundaries with her now, but still it's exhausting being on eggshells so she doesn't have a tantrum!

The biggest help for me was realising I was not responsible for her happiness.

If your mum wants to waste her time complaining about a non-event with a bus driver, by all means, carry on! Grin

Original poster
GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 20:22

Kiki, it is, I admit that. I just wanted her to try, if she could, to think about other people who, even if they are rude might have problems too and because it is Christmas, she might forget about it.

3, mum often calls me out to pick her up without any notice. I work and have 3 children and am separated from their father (similar story) so am often struggling for time. She is down at the surgery every week seeing the Dr (the last to ask his opinion if she could go on her holidays!) and she'd worry me when suddenly phoning up in a panic when actually there was nothing to panic about. When i have been ill in the past, she has told all her friends without my permission to 'pray' for me when I don't even know them. Starts crying (how much she is suffering because I'm ill)....The list is endless and really hard to know how to deal with.

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Original poster
GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 20:28

Letter yes. 'exhausting being on eggshells so she doesn't have a tantrum! '

I'll read more up on FOG. I have distanced myself from my childhood. Few good memories tbh. What spoke to me most lately was I was thinking of a time I sat on my mum's knee and she comforted me. I couldn't think of one. When she told me she loved me? I don't ever remember. :( The hugs now are forced.
It's too late and I just don't want to be that kind of mother to my own kids.

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Armchairanarchist · 20/12/2018 20:31

It's exhausting thinking about every word you say to them and how they'll choose to be offended or make it about them. Only someone with a toxic parent can understand.

Lettermethis · 20/12/2018 20:36

Not only what you say, but the waaay you say it....

Original poster
GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 20:38

Yes! My sister always says it's amazing how we turned out actually half OK! Grin

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3ismylot · 20/12/2018 20:39

She sounds like a typical narc and the constant doctor visits echo my experience too, I would take a guess that she will lament how her conditions are some of the worst the doctor has seen and that they don't know how she copes? but in reality, they only hold her back when it suits her and she manages perfectly fine when it is for her benefit?.
Google daughters of narcissistic mothers and have a read and I bet you nod along to the majority of what is said, you have been conditioned to feel the guilt and I won't lie, it can be hard to break the habit but not impossible.
You WON'T be that kind of mother as your subconscious has been aware of this for a long time and I bet you are already a lot more affectionate and tactile with your daughters.
Like Letter says you are not responsible for your mother's happiness and life gets a lot easier when you accept that and with practice you will learn to laugh (in private) at her ways rather than letting it get to you (although it is still exhausting to deal with so you must take time away regularly).

Original poster
GosteadyEddie · 20/12/2018 20:47

Yes 3. She had crippling arthritis a week before she went abroad on holiday and suddenly recovered. Had awful bunions where she couldn't walk. (she actually could faster than me) and had an appointment for the operation. She never went for the op and has never said a word about it since. She made a big thing a few weeks ago about a sore throat and was told by GP 3 times it was fine. He finally referred her to hospital to see a consultant (I has to accompany her in case he had 'bad news' ) who confirmed this as she's not talked about it since.
She still has a hold over me. I hate it. It's probably the first time I've been this direct (hence the post and me feeling scared!).

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