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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to my partner?

40 replies

namechange03 · 20/12/2018 16:17

My partner is currently studying full time as he went back into education to obtain some qualifications.
He works 1 day a week so doesn't financially contribute a lot.
I am therefore responsible for all the bills/fees/food etc.
When I get stressed that I'm the only one responsible for this stuff, he'll get frustrated & won't listen because he doesn't like my snappy, stressy attitude (inevitable I think?). The most help he offers is telling me to not stress? Confused

He's got about 6 months left in education. I believe that since I struggle financially then he should leave and find other options to obtain qualifications such as homestudying etc but he refuses as he's come this far. I feel like he's unappreciative to me sacrificing two incomes so he can study.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Tessabelle1 · 20/12/2018 16:26

My husband has just qualified as a nurse, it's a full time degree including 40 hour weeks on placement yet he still worked nights at the weekend. This was the only way we could feasibly manage him studying. Whilst I agree it would be daft for your partner to leave his studies now, if it's only one day a week he's being an arse for mot getting a job to help financially. Tell him to find something or make sure you don't give him any money over and above what her needs for bills, no takeaway coffee or meals at college etc

Lettermethis · 20/12/2018 16:28

You sound resentful for financially taking the hit - how long have you been together?

When he left work was it a mutual agreement between you both?

If it was discussed and agreed, I think YABU to suddenly demand him give up his course when he's only got 6 months left.

LordNibbler · 20/12/2018 16:28

I think you have to ask yourself, would he support you in the same way if it were the other way around? And if the answer is no, then maybe think about showing him the door. Do you think he's going to stay with you once he gets his qualifications and get a job and pull his weight? Or do you suspect he'll be off once you've served your purpose? I may just be getting old and cynical btw.

Celebelly · 20/12/2018 16:30

I think expecting him to leave when he has six months left isn't very reasonable (and would surely be a waste of all the sacrifices up till now) but he could definitely be offering more help –if he's not able to help financially than at least with some of the emotional strain.

Did you discuss this between with you before he went to study? I gave up my well-paid job a few years ago to become self-employed and knew I would earn very little for the first couple of years, but DP and I sat down and worked out how we could afford it, etc. Now I'm back earning money again and contributing, but I didn't contribute much in a financial sense for the first couple of years, but we both knew that would be the case and it would be hopefully short-term pain for longer-term gain.

Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 16:31

He scrimps by on his wage from 1 day a week for all his lunches, transport etc and then contributes all he can without leaving himself with nothing after that so will help with odd bits or when we are short on food.

The back story is we split when our toddler was newborn and got back together 8 months ago, so he'd actually already started education before then. So it wasn't a mutual agreement but looking back it was probably something that should've been talked about before we reconciled.

OP posts:
ShalomJackie · 20/12/2018 16:32

YABU to expect him to give up his study with just 6 months to go. You presumably knew how long the studying would be for.

That said is there no way he can earn extra money. Many students do work too.

Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 16:32

I do agree that leaving education now would be silly when it'd benefit us in the long term.

I think I just wish he'd empathise with my financial struggles rather than getting stressed with me being stressed or push himself to work more hours rather than 1 day a week given he has a family to provide for and can't have it completely easy!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 16:49

I feel like every time I bring it up, he tells me I'm being unsupportive of his education and taking my (financial) stress out on him all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 17:03

@ShalomJackie yes there is ways he could earn more - he only does 3 mornings a week currently and stays home with our toddler one day. He's just missed all the job opportunities now it's Christmas so is complacent with working a day a week as he missed his chance.

OP posts:
Banana8080 · 20/12/2018 17:06

6 months to go? C’mon you can do it, home stretch and you’ll both benefit from it.

(I’m almost in exact same situation to you and this is what I say to myself when I get frustrated).

Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 17:08

@Banana8080 I'll start repeating this to myself! Grin

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 20/12/2018 17:13

I feel like every time I bring it up, he tells me I'm being unsupportive of his education and taking my (financial) stress out on him all the time.

Well, it sounds like you are. Why do you need to keep bringing it up? It's only another six months.

Puggles123 · 20/12/2018 17:16

It would be silly to quit with only 6 months to go, what course is he doing? Some are demanding, and no doubt they will be beneficially financially when he has finished.

Holidayshopping · 20/12/2018 17:18

It would be daft for him to give it up with only 6 months to go.

What’s the course-is it one that will get him a job at the end of it, or is it a curriculum degree eg English, where you would need further study/graduate schemes/career choices etc before earning money?

I am therefore responsible for all the bills/fees/food etc

Why are you paying fees?

Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 17:23

The course is equivalent to 3 A Levels. He's not even sure of his plans afterwards, only that it'll give him more opportunities.

Oops, by fees I meant nursery fees, not education fees.

I think I just feel unappreciated for my sacrifices for him to be in education. I think he feels like he's entitled to his individual choices even now we are back as a family if that makes sense?

OP posts:
AnonymousAgain · 20/12/2018 17:29

Is it a career specific qualification? Or one like an access course?
It must be hard to take on all of the financial responsibility. Does he help in other ways? You mention he watches your DC for a day a week, does he help with the mental load? If not, then perhaps ask him to take some of the pressure off by taking care of jobs at home? Just a thought.

Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 17:31

@AnonymousAgain more one like an access course.

He does have DC one day a week on his request. Some days he will be unbelievably helpful with housework and other days he will fall short and I'll come home to a tip and he'll say he's exhausted with college, got assignments to do or throw back that I never do much at home (which I don't particularly agree with).

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 18:09

I've just tried to bring up the topic with him and he went crazy before I'd even said anything and said that he'd never leave his education for me so these are my problems and not his!

OP posts:
BlueJava · 20/12/2018 18:12

I think you may be are being unreasonable. With 6 months to go on his course it would better to complete the course otherwise it's wasted. It's also quite hard studying and with 3 mornings a week at work + 1 day at home for childcare he is not sitting around. I don't know what his course is - but if he doesn't have enough time to study then he could fail. Approach it with "how we get you through the course and manage our money" rather than give it up and earn some cash.

Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 18:13

I must add that he does three mornings a week in education, not work! @BlueJava but I see the confusion!

I should probably approach it differently, I think I'm feeling resentful.

OP posts:
TheAntiGrinch · 20/12/2018 18:22

It's only six months to go and he started the course before you both got together again. It's completely unreasonable to pressure him to quit or change his course options at this point. Especially since this can help him secure better employment in the future. Either support him for the remainder of the course or let him go. You're putting a lot of needless pressure on him over a short-term sacrifice.

MrsStrowman · 20/12/2018 18:28

If he's only at college three mornings a week, he could work at least two days. His study child all be done in the afternoons of his college days, it's only an access course not a PHD so not hugely demanding. That way he'd work two days, study three days (if it really takes him every afternoon as well as his college mornings) and looks after DC one day. Still gives him a day off and evenings free.

Redken24 · 20/12/2018 18:29

When I was in college I worked at night and at least two full days. I managed so can he.

AnonymousAgain · 20/12/2018 18:29

I think it would be a shame for him to have to give it up 6 months before the end. The question is, after this is he planning further study? If so, that is something that really needs discussion as soon as possible. That would mean that 6 months could mean also going to university or further qualification for another 3-5 years Blush

H1dingInSight · 20/12/2018 18:34

So he’s doing 3 half days at college, 1 day of childcare and 1 day working? And presumably has assignments and homework on top?

That sounds like a full time week, TBH. Especially as he clearly does some housework, albeit not to your standards.

I think YABU.

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