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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to my partner?

40 replies

namechange03 · 20/12/2018 16:17

My partner is currently studying full time as he went back into education to obtain some qualifications.
He works 1 day a week so doesn't financially contribute a lot.
I am therefore responsible for all the bills/fees/food etc.
When I get stressed that I'm the only one responsible for this stuff, he'll get frustrated & won't listen because he doesn't like my snappy, stressy attitude (inevitable I think?). The most help he offers is telling me to not stress? Confused

He's got about 6 months left in education. I believe that since I struggle financially then he should leave and find other options to obtain qualifications such as homestudying etc but he refuses as he's come this far. I feel like he's unappreciative to me sacrificing two incomes so he can study.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 20/12/2018 18:36

Well I think he's being lazy and unappreciative. I don't think he should stop studying but he's not even trying to contribute more when it sounds like he does very little.

He's takin advantage of you imho. If he doesn't get a full time job ASAP after this course I'd be seriously considering the relationship.

ExFury · 20/12/2018 18:38

If he’s at college 3 half days, working 1 day and doing childcare the other day then his opportunities to add more work hours are very limited.

It would ve madness to sacrifice for so long then give up with 6 months to go. Long term you’d both end up resenting struggling for so long for nothing.

Did you not discuss this issue at all before getting back together?

poglets · 20/12/2018 18:40

It's 6 months and should be of potential benefit to all of you. You knew he was doing this when you decided to get back together. You have no right to snap at him and no right to ask him to stop.

You're bigger issue is what is going to happen when he has qualified. Because then he needs to get a job and contribute to the home. That is what you need to focus on and make sure happens.

Arnoldthecat · 20/12/2018 18:47

YABU..why would he quit studying when the goal is almost in sight? More qualifications will hopefully lead to better employment prospects and a better outlook for both of you. It may be that he could also help in other ways so that you feel less stressed ..

SchrodingersUnicorn · 20/12/2018 18:55

Is he finding the course particularly hard? Because although I think YWDBU to ask him to give it up with 6 months to go, I'd also have thought he could do more on that timetable. I'm doing a half time PhD and work the equivalent of 4 full days a week because we couldn't afford it any other way. If he can't pick up more hours working (potentially fair enough as he is constrained when he works) could he take more housework etc off you so that you are relieved of one burden at least?

Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 19:01

TBH it's nice to hear that I'm being unreasonable so I can stop stressing as much.

I think he should definitely work at least another day a week though. His course isn't too demanding on him and he doesn't find it too difficult and the workload isn't too much.

Sometimes I worry that when he gets a full time job education that he won't actually be able to deal with the hours, workload, financial pressure etc and will cause more problems then and frustration from him then if that makes sense!

OP posts:
UbbesPonytail · 20/12/2018 19:05

Could you switch the conversation to the positives? Eg what he’ll be applying for soon, what you’ll be able to do with two incomes etc

I’m just wondering if channelling your justified stress into more positive discussions might have the effect of feeling like a team again and him pitching in / being more appreciative of all that you’re doing right now to support him.

Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 19:07

@UbbesPonytail I think that's an amazing idea to be honest!

OP posts:
Surfskatefamily · 20/12/2018 19:08

Im sorry but i think you are being unreasonable. Its a short time. Course will be finished the he can work more

Gazelda · 20/12/2018 19:17

I get that you're stressed about money. I get that you're resentful that 3 of you are relying on your wage. But I think you're being unfair on him. And I bet he feels as though you are blaming him both for your financial difficulties and your stress. Neither of which are fair. You know he was a student. You know his qualifications will increase his earning potential. You know he can't do much about it.

But I do get how frustrating this must be for you. Can you try to think and talk about with positivity? Encourage him to start thinking about career options. Dream about how free you'll feel when he's earning. Think about it as only six months. Remind yourself e supported him with his dreams, and maybe it's your turn to take up a hobby or qualification when things are more settled. You are both investing in your future. Don't let it drive a wedge between you when you are so close.

Original poster
namechange03 · 20/12/2018 19:20

@Gazelda thank you, loved this reply.

Think you hit the nail on the end as when we argued a bit before, his main point was that he felt blamed for my stresses. I didn't even think about it that way.

I'm definitely going to take some time to reprocess all this and stop being so resentful and frustrated and take a positive look at it rather than being so stressy!

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 20/12/2018 22:40

I think he could work more. My ds was in a full time quite demanding course yet worked all day Sat and Sun in a restaurant. I know he didn't have a baby but he was still flat out. He got a first in his degree so obviously fitted in study too. I think he is having you on. 3 half days. Come on. He could easily work 2 days or do another day of child care.
And if he was doing this before ye got back together what was he going to live on if you hadn't reappeared on the scene?

Andromeida59 · 20/12/2018 22:52

You're being taken for a ride. I was at college doing an Access course and also worked to keep a roof over my head. It just sounds he'll be full of other excuses in six months.

Holidaycountdown · 21/12/2018 00:10

I don’t think YABU, not entirely anyway, I did a foundation year last year and worked full time around it, and am now on year 1 of a 3 year undergrad full time working an average of 20 hrs pw (more in holidays) no children but I’m still paying my 50% of bills/rent etc, DH would pay more if I was struggling, I plan ahead and take time off for exams/assignments, imo he’s being a little lazy and could definitely help out more.

7yo7yo · 21/12/2018 00:31

In think he’s taking the piss.
He could do more around the home and he could work more.
Surely the money worries are both of yours not just your sole money worries? You should be working as a team so he needs to
Contribute more.
Why did you split up then get back together?

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