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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go on holiday for MIL's 60th...

41 replies

fluffydeenosaur · 20/12/2018 13:37

I feel like I am because it's a pretty big occasion and they are covering the accommodation/flights.

It's a 3.5 hour flight with a 10 month old and a 2 year old to a hot destination for 10 days. No option of only going for a few days and coming back early because they will take massive offence to that.

I feel ungrateful but I just don't want to do it. MIL keeps saying it will be a lovely break for you both, we'll help out with the dc.... which certainly won't happen as I've heard that before.

DH says he's not keen because it sounds like a nightmare but between us it's up to me apparently Confused (cheers DH).

On the other hand 60 is something to celebrate, birthdays are a big deal to MIL and apart from the drama llama side to MIL, she's a lovely lady.

If I say no there will be many tears.

When I was pregnant with dc2 and didn't want to join DH and PIL for DH's birthday meal because I had severe sickness and couldn't even keep water down, she cried and cried because he didn't want to leave me by myself for the evening with our 1 year old. He said he'd rather stay home. (It was the first birthday she hadn't seen him and was very upset by it).

The pressure is upping now as they are coming at Christmas and will be wanting to book it.

OP posts:
MrsSpenserGregson · 20/12/2018 13:39

You've said your DH isn't keen to go. He has to be the one to tell MIL this.

If she asks you at Christmas, tell her to speak to your DH. Just keep batting back to him.

Chloe84 · 20/12/2018 13:40

Sounds fun to me, where are they going?

But holidays to celebrate birthdays are overkill so YANBU to say no. Get DH to tell them he doesn't want to go because the kids are too young.

GhostSauce · 20/12/2018 13:42

Well, if neither of you want to go then of course you don't have to go.

And DH needs to be the one to tell her.

Limensoda · 20/12/2018 13:42

If you don't want to go, then please don't
It's ok for your mil to be upset because she is disappointed but you can't be responsible for how she feels so don't feel bad. Tell her nicely that you really don't want to be away for ten days a and you are sorry if she's upset but you would love to mark the occasion in some other way after they get back.
Of course, it's her son who should really be dealing with this.

user1474894224 · 20/12/2018 13:45

I think UABU. You are turning down a free holiday? Are you crazy? I get the flight might not be the easiest - but, it won't be that bad. It's only 3.5 hours....hardly a 12 hour nightmare.

Get in on the planning - so you can help to choose a destination that will be child friendly.

Go and have a great time. What a lovely 'problem' to have.

SushiMonster · 20/12/2018 13:47

3.5h flight? That is nothing!

Free holiday, sounds nice, I'd go.

averylongtimeago · 20/12/2018 13:47

The devil is in the details.

You say you like her, but she is a bit of a drama llama? So it's not that you don't get on.

How hot a place are we talking?
What sort of accommodation- all crammed in together, your own space, hotel, self catering?
These are important considerations. A pleasantly warm place with your own space to escape to is one thing, 40 deg all packed into a tiny apartment is another.

Also, 10 days is a long time - are you sure you can get that much time off work?

Finally- what ever you decide, get DH to tell her. She's his mum, let him take the flak.

ItIsChristmasTime · 20/12/2018 13:48

I wouldn’t be keen on going either. It’s one thing to look after a crawler/toddler and toddler/child in your own home or for short periods elsewhere but somewhere hot abroad often consists of swimming pools and all kinds of dangers so it is as far from a relaxing holiday as can be. The flight will be the easy bit!

BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2018 13:48

Sounds like he’ll with two babies, not a chance I’d be going OP, plus your DH MUST be the one to tell her

BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2018 13:48

*Hell.

Hofuckingho · 20/12/2018 13:50

Can we go instead please? Seriously, it's ten days out of your life and you might even enjoy it.

adreamofspring · 20/12/2018 13:51

Nope. Neither of you want to do it. It will not go well if you are both dreading before the tickets are even bought.

Your DH needs to be honest with his mum and not use you as an excuse - that way lies the everlasting DIL/MIL relationship problems.

A polite thanks but no thanks. And then offer to celebrate in some other way. She can keep her special birthday going even longer than 10 days then Xmas Hmm

If she huffs and puffs and pressures you then you know that firm boundaries are MORE important and that you made the right decision. If she understands then you’ve got a good one and your relationship can only get stronger Smile

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2018 13:52

it sounds like a nightmare but between us it's up to me apparently (cheers DH)
Fuck that – she’s not your mother.
It's up to him. Why should you be the bad guy?
He doesn't want to go so he says so. Have nothing at all to do with this decision!!! Stand firm on that!
I was going to say, go – it might be fun… until this….. she cried and cried because he didn't want to leave me by myself
And another nightmare MIL. Jeez what is up with these women????

Mumshappy · 20/12/2018 13:52

I would go. Sure it will be hard work packing everything but the kitchen sink but once your there youll have a great time. Plus its a freebie. I took three dcs (14, 8 and six month at the time) away for half term. It was a military operation getting there but we had a great time. A change is as good as a rest so they say.

Original poster
fluffydeenosaur · 20/12/2018 13:53

Thanks all for the replies.

Either way DH is the one telling her, but between us he's on the fence about it. It's more a 40 degrees heat holiday in an apartment.

I know it might not be much of a "problem" to most, it's not the flight that's bothering me, it's the 10 days in a hot place, with no personal space which could result in disaster and quite the opposite of a celebration!

I do genuinely like my in laws but I'm nervous about MIL's reaction because she is just very dramatic with everything in life.

OP posts:
Crimbobimbo · 20/12/2018 13:54

I d not spend ten days on holiday with anyone free or otherwise.
Sounds to me like you know it'll be hard work,

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2018 13:54

Do people with small children never go on holiday?

Crimbobimbo · 20/12/2018 13:55

It's more a 40 degrees heat holiday in an apartment.

Nope, nope, nope.

pinkdelight · 20/12/2018 13:55

I wouldn't see it as a holiday, not with two little ones if the in-laws aren't going to help out. The only way I'd even consider it is by being very clear (direct to the point of rudeness) that I would only come if they guarantee they'll help out in very specific ways that would make it tolerable, and then if that help doesn't materialise, call them on it repeatedly without feeling bad. The worst that can happen is they won't invite you again.

But in truth I'd just say no. Tears are manipulative and not to be caved in to. She needs to take responsibility for her own happiness. A birthday meal/party is plenty for most people. A group holiday is great if everyone's into it, but not everyone is and your happiness matters too. It's not even as if you'd suck it up for your DH's sake as he's not keen either.

prunemerealgood · 20/12/2018 13:56

Your DH is the key to all this.

I may be projecting but you are right to spot the likely empty promises that they will help with the kids and it'll be a good break. I fell for this so often!

You could always angle for him to go with the kids so you can actually get a decent break. (Unreasonable I know)

He needs to be thinking of a way that you can all celebrate her 60th back home before or after the holiday. And putting that to them nicely as the only alternative you as a family will entertain, tears or no tears.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/12/2018 13:56

If you get some say in the destination and can stay somewhere air conditioned then I'd probably do it. The 1 year old might be a bit tricky but most 3 year olds love messing around in the pool. Ask your husband I he can speak to her about pinning her down for some babysitting and have some nights out.

thedevilinablackdress · 20/12/2018 13:57

The 'no personal space' would be my deal-breaker.

HollowTalk · 20/12/2018 13:57

No way. 40 degrees in an apartment with the ILs? No way.

If they were paying for you to have your own apartment, I'd still say no, given the heat.

If they would pay for you to have your own apartment somewhere that the temperature is just lovely and warm, then yes.

nevermorelenore · 20/12/2018 13:58

If your DH isn’t keen then he needs to sack up and be the one to tell her, not hide behind his wife.

I mean, it could be fun if it is a hotel with a kids club and you have your own room where you can escape from the in-laws. But sharing an apartment for that length of time sounds like a nightmare. My DS would have been bored and fussy after a few days, so 10 days is way too long.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 20/12/2018 14:00

Don't go, you're adults and need to focus on your own family's needs. If it's not a holiday that you'd choose for yourselves, then the birthday celebration isn't going to magically make it suitable for you all.

Also, I find it odd that she expects to see her son at every one of his birthdays, even when his pregnant wife is home alone trying to look after herself and a young child. I can't imagine that she's happy with much that you do, so I'd just suit yourselves.

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