To not go on holiday for MIL's 60th...

[fluffydeenosaur]

I feel like I am because it's a pretty big occasion and they are covering the accommodation/flights.

It's a 3.5 hour flight with a 10 month old and a 2 year old to a hot destination for 10 days. No option of only going for a few days and coming back early because they will take massive offence to that.

I feel ungrateful but I just don't want to do it. MIL keeps saying it will be a lovely break for you both, we'll help out with the dc.... which certainly won't happen as I've heard that before.

DH says he's not keen because it sounds like a nightmare but between us it's up to me apparently (cheers DH).

On the other hand 60 is something to celebrate, birthdays are a big deal to MIL and apart from the drama llama side to MIL, she's a lovely lady.

If I say no there will be many tears.

When I was pregnant with dc2 and didn't want to join DH and PIL for DH's birthday meal because I had severe sickness and couldn't even keep water down, she cried and cried because he didn't want to leave me by myself for the evening with our 1 year old. He said he'd rather stay home. (It was the first birthday she hadn't seen him and was very upset by it).

The pressure is upping now as they are coming at Christmas and will be wanting to book it.

Your

She may have a 70 th and 80 th op. Your dh is happy to call the shots and tell her no so let him!! Maybe your phone can be lost for a few days so she can't contact you!

Oh ffs

I was all in favour of the idea until I read that you'd be sharing the apartment. Huge no once I saw that.

Either way it is your dh who needs to communicate and take responsibility for the decision.

OP - after your latest update it’s a double NOPE from me.

Unless you’ve already spent a week with all of you in a flat before and it went swimmingly then NOPE!

I don't know. If you get on it sounds like an opportunity. Find out the budget. Offer a compromise. Explain you don't want to be in that accommodation.
Could you add to the budget?
Suggest a week away instead of 10 days?
They haven't booked it yet from the sounds of it so you could influence all the choices.
Pick somewhere closer, somewhere cooler.

Neither of you sound keen. I personally woundn't go.

My late MIL wasn't half as bad as some I read about on MN, but having spent two or three holidays away with the PIL, I vowed never to do it again. We always ended up having a drama of some sort, or a falling out, and there was no escape as we were staying together in a villa.

You could pull various excuses - can't get the time off work, temperature will be too hot for young children etc. I'd get DH to tell them it's not possible for you to go away but you'd be delighted to celebrate with them on their return in some other way.

Definitely no way I'd take 2 small kids to 40 degree heat - that is just mental carry on. You'd be stuck indoors the whole time. Say thanks for the offer but we won't be in a position to accept. Stand firm. Let her cry all she wants on Christmas Day over her sprouts - tell your toddler granny is having a tantrum!

It sounds like an amazing holiday, and ten whole days too!

Except, if I had to take my two DC, even at ages 7 + 11, I'd be skeptical of the whole thing. It would have to be perfect to the tee.

And if mine were the ages of yours, OP, and I knew the PIL weren't actually going to help, I'd probably say how wonderful the offer is, but please will they let you both organise something for when they return instead.

It's really hard turning people down. Specially when they've a history of crocodile tears and manipulative moves.

But you can do it. And definitely it has to be your OH who speaks with her. Don't let him blame it solely on you though. He's not sure himself, either.

No matter how well I got on with my in-laws, I would never agree to that holiday: 10-month-old babies and 40 degree heat are not a good combination. And being stuck in an apartment with a bored or overheated toddler for 10 days would strain the very best of relationships.

Did they consult you at all about the choice of destination or is this just MIL's idea of a dream holiday?

And besides anything else, why would you willingly go on holiday with anyone you could describe as a 'drama llama'?

No personal space and 40 degree heat. I wouldn't go on my own let alone with small children. Offer to meet up for a celebration meal when they get back and stick to that.

10 days is too long. Can you not feign having to work or something and go for a few less days??

If u don't want to go and your dh is giving you a get out clause, don't go. I didn't get the get out clause so we had to go. It wasn't great. But u have to pretend it is because it's 'free'. Only it's not because u then have food, spending money and hire car. Plus with kids those ages going away is harder than being at home. Your dh needs to tell her even if it's your decision.

40 deg in a cramped apartment?

That's a 'no' from me too!
I spent a number of holidays with my in laws when the twins were little- with forward planning and compromise it can work very well.

The rules for a successful holiday with the PiL:
1/ destination must be suitable for all ages going. Not too hot for the baby, things to do for the toddler, something for the adults (preferably something the pil can go off and do on their own like looking round a lovely garden, to give you all a break.
2/ Accommodation: big enough for everyone to have their own space - no sleeping on sofa beds. I remember all too well that caravan in Scotland with the sofa bed from hell.... Air con and two bathrooms a must as well heating if you are in the UK!
3/ Self catering is only possible if you are all absolutely fair about taking turns cooking and cleaning up!
4/ plan not to spend all day every day together/ go off and do your own thing and agree to meet up later.

As Mil sounds nice, why not compromise to make it work?
Get DH to negotiate.

YANBU

1 it will be too hot for the children

2 you won’t have your own personal space

Tell DH it will be a definite no unless a more suitable holiday is offered. It isn’t in the children’s best interests to be stuck on a 3.5 hour flight then cooped up in an apartment for 10 days in very hot conditions. If your DC are miserable none of you will enjoy it.

If mil gets upset don’t give in. Just keep saying no we won’t be going on this holiday but appreciate the generous offer.