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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed by SIL

33 replies

PedroTheCowboyLostHisGlasses · 20/12/2018 10:26

NC because dont want everything I say connecting up.
For xmas and birthdays my Sil tells us what to get her, if you don't get her what she wants she gets all huffy. She spends alot less on me and my DH in return, doesn't ask us what we want and we mostly get tat we don't want. She will sometimes get gifts for other people (like DH's step mum or gran) and she will then demand 1/3 of the money
from my DH and BIL. This would be okay but she doesn't consult DH beforehand if we want to go in on a present together. She has even damanded we stop what we are doing and go to meet her. If you dont't go to a family gathering (even an aunts birthday breakfast a 2 hour commute away) she will demand to know why you havn't/ arn't attending. We told her we were not telling anyone when I was in labour and she got all huffy infront of us.

But the thing that pisses me off the most and I can't seem to forgive and forget is that a week after having my DC she came to the house, didnt ask how I was, she just posed for pictures with my baby and got DH to take the pictures. Then she put them on facebook when we had no pictures of DC on facebook and didn't inteed to put any up either. This really bothers me because I didn't/ no one took any pictures of me with my baby for the first few weeks (granted I looked like a train had hit me) so I feel as if she has stolen the moment from me.
I know AIBU but I can't seem to get over this.
AIBU to be annoyed by her behaviour. especially the other stuff?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 20/12/2018 10:29

Frankly YAB a bit U to allow most of this to happen. Spoiler Alert- she’s a CF. Always will be so stop listening to her demand, her huffs and her crap. Just stop.

DorisDances · 20/12/2018 10:35

Congratulations on your baby. Sounds as if you need to call out rather than facilitate her behaviour. The FB post is done now so move on and enjoy your family

strawberrypenguin · 20/12/2018 10:39

So stop letting her rule you. Let her huff when she doesn't like something, don't jump at her demands and ignore her demands for an 'explanation'. Don't let her take more photos of baby.
She's like that because you let her be.

EhlanaOfElenia · 20/12/2018 10:39

She gets huffy, and....? Then what? Does world war III break out in the house? Does everyone else start ignoring you?

She gets huffy because she is used to getting what she wants, she gets huffy because it HELPS her get what she wants. The longer you keep giving into her, the longer she will keep doing it.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 20/12/2018 10:45

well you are just being foolish about the photos...if you won't have any up of you and baby then she has hardly "stolen your moment" , having said that if you don't want photos of the baby online then report them and FB should take them down

as for demanding you chip in to her presents, just say you have already got something, she won't make that mistake too many more times

Also, stop telling her things, you are just giving her the chance to disagree
YOU: we are not telling anyone when I am in labour
SIL: huff huff, whine whine, tattle tale to MIL and any other fool who will listen

as opposed to

YOU: sure, we'll let you know the very second I have a twinge
SIL:
3 months later
SIL: You never let me know....
YOU : it happened all so fast, but next time, I promise, here, hold the baby.

Don't give her any power over you, and just ignore her shennanighans.

CantWaitToRetire · 20/12/2018 10:45

She gets huffy because she is used to getting what she wants, she gets huffy because it HELPS her get what she wants. The longer you keep giving into her, the longer she will keep doing it

^This^

Stop facilitating her OP. Once you've stood up to her a few times she'll realise she's no longer going to get her own way. She obviously doesn't give a fig about your feelings, so don't stress about upsetting her.

SilverLining10 · 20/12/2018 10:47

Why whinge if you are allowing it? Dont let her behave this way. Theres so much you could do to stop her in her tracks.

Billben · 20/12/2018 10:52

I never understand why posts like these don’t always start with a “Help me grow a backbone” title.
Your SIL is a CF and YABU for letting her get away with it.

jessstan2 · 20/12/2018 10:59

You are letting her get away with it! What a bossy boots she is. Do you ever object to her face? I would definitely have objected to her putting pictures of my baby on facebook or even of taking photographs in the first place.

It sounds as though she intimidates the entire family, not just you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/12/2018 11:01

These threads are exasperating. You're a grown woman with a mind of your own. Why are you letting her treat you like this? No amount of moaning on MN will change anything.

Just stand up to her and stop letting her treat you like this.

KC225 · 20/12/2018 11:01

'If you are going to take that attitude, go to your room and think about your behaviour'. That is what I tell my almost 12 year old when she gets in a huff. I suggest you stop feeding the beast and pandering to her. Regarding the present demands, get her a voucher for the amount you want to spend. Say you have other priorities now and pared back spending on presents. Likewise with the money for distant relatives, tell her from now on you will be sending cards only. As for her demands to be at a certain breakfast/lunch etc. Unless you have agreed with prior notice - say 'No' do not answer her calls or texts. Its nots that she has so much power over you. Stand up for yourself OP.

longwayoff · 20/12/2018 11:16

O do stop it. You're an adult woman, wife and mother. Tell her where to put it, I have no idea why you pander to this child.

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 20/12/2018 12:10

She's a cunt, stop letting her walk all over you.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/12/2018 12:41

I know what I would do OP but then I guess it would be the exact opposite from what you would do! I would turn round in front of everyone and tell her to F""k Off.I wouldnt care in the slightest and I would put up with the fall out quite happily...You are letting her treat you like dirt You are giving her permission to walk all over you,..Why you are allowing it is more the question that needs answering not her behaviour.

Motoko · 20/12/2018 12:46

Let me guess, your DH doesn't want to rock the boat?

But regarding the photos on FB, just contact FB and ask to have them taken down.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/12/2018 12:51

These threads drive me bonkers, why are grown women letting themselves be treated like children. You’re a grown woman who’s married with children. If she gets in a huff, so what? The works isn’t going to sto spinning, if she says you can go to a family gathering, so what, just turn up, it’s yours and your dh family too. Why on earth do people pander to these types. You wouldn’t accept it from a child, so don’t accept it from your sil

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2018 12:57

Stop enabling her.

Come here now!
No, we can't

I want photos taking of me and the baby
No, we aren't taking any photos of her with other people until she's 3

I want £200 for Great Aunt Mary's present
No, we've already /not going to get her something

If she's asking for gifts in budget, fine. Better happy than charity shopped. Otherwise...

I want a Ferarri for Christmas
No, that's not in our budget.

Jamiefraserskilt · 20/12/2018 13:00

Let her tell you what she wants.....then buy her something in budget.
Let her take photos...tell her not to put them on social media..then report to fb when she does.
Let her demand money for gifts she has decided are from all...then tell her, no, you already have something sorted and she really should have checked first. Not your problem.
Let her demand your presence at family events...and then tell her you have made your own arrangements.
Stop feeding her desire to micromanage the family.
Let her huff. She is acting like the school queen bee.
It will get her nowhere.
Encourage bil to do the same.
Eventually she will get the message.

Original poster
PedroTheCowboyLostHisGlasses · 20/12/2018 13:19

I have started to buy/ get the presents and ignoring her birthday/ Christmas wish list and I just get something that costs the same as she spends on us. If I leave it up to DH he will just get what she asks for. The look on her face the first time this happend was a picture, she even has the check to ask "where is the rest" (we open presents together at christmas, when we stay at MIL's house on xmas eve SIL will bang on everyones door at 7am shouting for everyone to get up to open presents, I was like wtaf the first time this happened).

I just find it shocking that a grown women in her late 20's acts this bratty and entitled!

Thankfully DH didnt tell her when I was in labour. For the pictures, I wasn't in the room when it was happening, I found out later when I looked on facebook. My problem isn't me needing a backbone, I would love to ingore all her demands (I have to bite my tongue hard when I am around her, if I had dared to tell her she is a spoilt brat about christmas presents no doubt BIL would have come to her defence) its getting DH to ignore her demands. Mil is very demanding aswell so I think DH and BIL have just learnt to go along with MIL/ SIL demands for a peaceful live.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 20/12/2018 13:19

Here's a crazy idea … just stop pandering to her! There have been a lot of threads like this lately, and I'm amazed that there's so many people who seemingly spend what they can't afford on ungrateful and demanding relatives, getting little in return, and keep doing it so that they don't rock the boat. What's the worst that will happen? You won't hear from her for a while. When she demands you stop what you're doing and rush to her side, please don't tell me you actually do it??? And if she demands a contribution to a gift, don't give it. She will soon stop when she's lumbered with the full price each time.

Original poster
PedroTheCowboyLostHisGlasses · 20/12/2018 13:20

Let me guess, your DH doesn't want to rock the boat? Bingo

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 20/12/2018 13:32

Report the facebook pictures. Say she posted them up without the child’s permission and you have asked for them to be removed but she won’t. Fb will remove them

Cherries101 · 20/12/2018 13:33

Child’s Parent’s permission!!

Starlight456 · 20/12/2018 13:55

Also not sure how old your baby is but take the pictures they are precious moments . The children love seeing themselves in pictures but also you

NonaGrey · 20/12/2018 13:59

Your issue isn’t with your SIL. Your issue is with your DH.

You need to work together to get on the same page and approach her as a team.

There is a middle ground between buying your tongue and all our war you know. You could just politely and calmly point out her rudeness.

She isn’t ever going to change. You have to change how you deal
with her.

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