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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to help this homeless man?

84 replies

chicaguapa · 20/12/2018 09:19

There's a homeless man who's always sitting in the multi-story carpark, though he has to leave at night when they close it. I've spoken to him a couple of times and tried to treat him with respect. He seems to be in touch with his family as he said he used to busk but someone stole his drums, so he's asked his mum to get him some more for Christmas. He said he can't get a job as he doesn't have an address.

What can I do to help him? I'd like to take him something for Christmas but not sure what I could do. I often think about him and it's been so cold lately at night. Sad

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 20/12/2018 10:59

FFS, should say ‘can’t pay’

bramblemouse · 20/12/2018 11:00

Is it just me ... on MN people give so much Xmas Shock

I sometimes give a bit of change - £1/50p ... I can’t get my head around £25 Xmas Shock

Gravel1 · 20/12/2018 11:02

there is nothing you can do many homeless chose to sleep on street - I know why because hostels are so bad plus a dozen other reasons but he needs to want to change you cant save him you'll just get in a lot of trouble

Lobsterquadrille2 · 20/12/2018 11:04

It's often very complicated. A transgender woman goes to some of my AA meetings. She was halfway through gender reassignment and had a horrible experience. She has been attacked numerous times. She doesn't trust anyone in authority and doesn't want her own flat - she wants a room in shared accommodation. She has mild learning disabilities and chooses to sleep in disabled toilets where she can lock herself in.

We do what we can to help and if she doesn't turn up to a meeting, worry about her.

bramblemouse · 20/12/2018 11:04

It’s not about them being lesser beings but it’s possible to do a great deal of harm with kind intentions.

LakieLady · 20/12/2018 11:19

People talk so dehumanisingly about the homeless - this supercilious advice to ‘never give money’ because it will just go on drugs, as if they are oblivious to the fact that homelessness is not synonymous with drug abuse, that you can pay for a night in a hostel using sandwiches, and that even if the homeless person is a drug addict, sudden withdrawal could kill them.

^This.

Addiction is as often a result of being homeless as it is a cause. Withdrawal without medical supervision can be fatal, which is why people wanting to come off drugs or alcohol undergo detox as inpatients before going into rehab.

After 11 years of working with people in housing need, I still give homeless people money and I don't care what they spend it on. Whatever gets them through another (grim) day and night is fine by me.

Working with street homeless people is really challenging and needs co-ordinated effort from a range of agencies. With all those services being cut to the bone, that sort of support is almost impossible to provide these days.

Which is why I changed jobs a few weeks ago, and now do financial inclusion work instead.

formerbabe · 20/12/2018 11:22

No need to do anything surely. Get on with your own life fgs.

SusannahL · 20/12/2018 11:28

How can you be completely sure he or anyone for that matter is genuinely homeless?

In Windsor for example the 'homeless' travel in each day from Slough, set up as rough sleepers ,make a killing from tourists then get taxis back home.

Taxi drivers have verified this.

ShastaBeast · 20/12/2018 11:29

It’s true a core of a few people may be impossible to help but the increase in homelessness shows we have managed it better in the past. It’s back to the levels of the 90s. No coincidence politically.

I volunteer every winter in a shelter. Most were foreign who perhaps had failed to get going in their new city. I suspect many of the newer homeless will be British born who’ve had support pulled away and or priced out of the rental market with no social housing option, especially for single men.

It should never come down to charities or the public to pick up the pieces of broken lives.

showmethegin · 20/12/2018 11:45

@formerbabe you're nice aren't you. Let's hope if you're ever in that situation people don't take that attitude with you.

SummerGems · 20/12/2018 11:50

Not wanting to pay for someone’s drug fix isn’t presuming to know what someone needs. If you don’t fund someone’s drug fix do you really think that you are responsible for pushing that person into withdrawal? If you do fund it though you could be responsible for funding the hit which kills them as the homeless addict isn’t exactly picky about the quality of the drugs they buy, and you are most definitely helping to fund the unscrupulous dealers who supply them, as well as the larger chain of drugs, prostitution and general exploitation of people on a worldwide scale.

That is why it’s far better to give to a charity who can help the individual to find the right support if they are open to it.

WrapAndRoll · 20/12/2018 12:09

The £28 for a "vet's bill" reminded me that it's £28 to reserve a place for a homeless person over Christmas with Crisis.

Pachyderm1 · 20/12/2018 12:12

Not wanting to pay for someone’s drug fix isn’t presuming to know what someone needs.

No, but giving someone a sandwich instead of money is. It’s absolutely fine to not give money if you’re worried about it. But don’t smugly hand over a sandwich when you don’t know 1) dietary information 2) allergies 3) preferences 4) whether they’ve eaten that day 5) whether they need money for a hostel rather than food 6) whether they will be eating for free at a soup kitchen that night but need money for tampons or a shower or whatever 7) a million other possible things.

There’s a poster upthread having a strop because a homeless person asked for money instead of the food she offered. Well sorry, but homeless people aren’t there to tug their forelocks and make people feel good about buying sandwiches, and they don’t owe anyone gratitude for unsolicited and unhelpful donations.

Nobody is obliged to give money to anyone, and you shouldn’t donate if it makes you uncomfortable. But if you are going to donate, have enough respect and humanity to treat other adults as people capable of making their own choices, not children who need you to paternalistically make decisions for them.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 20/12/2018 12:16

I've had a reply back to say they will go to find him and see if they can engage with him. I agree that they probably already know about him, if he's a regular. But it's better than just getting on with my life and not giving him another thought.

He seems fairly happy, though I'm sure he can't be sleeping outside in these temperatures. He's polite and chatty, never asks for anything from you. He's really well-spoken too, which I commented on to DH last time we saw him. It just goes to show that all kinds of folk can be homeless.

FFS @formerbabe, what's the matter with people like you? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
chicaguapa · 20/12/2018 12:18

Apols for the missing comma... it meant to say...

He seems fairly happy, though I'm sure he can't be, sleeping outside in these temperatures.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/12/2018 12:18

FFS @formerbabe, what's the matter with people like you?

Im not a naive do gooder...that's all.

So he asked his mum to buy him drums...so he has a mother. Let her help him.

SummerGems · 20/12/2018 12:27

Have to say you do wonder about the mother of someone who would buy drums but see their child on the streets.....

Mag1cMarket · 20/12/2018 12:45

Some vets offer free treatment to homeless people with pets and so do some charities. I know a vet who provides free care

Anyat212 · 20/12/2018 12:55

I’ve started buying a small supply of £5 gift cards from Greggs which I give to homeless people. Means they get what hot food they want when they want. £5 in Greggs will get them some soup and a sandwich or a cup of tea and a sausage roll or whatever.

What a fab idea, think I’ll be doing that moving forward!

Anyat212 · 20/12/2018 12:59

I’m not a naive do gooder...that's all.

Your not a ‘do gooder’ at all by the sounds of it formerbabe, let’s hope you don’t fall on hard times ey?

formerbabe · 20/12/2018 13:07

Your not a ‘do gooder’ at all by the sounds of it formerbabe, let’s hope you don’t fall on hard times ey?

Hard times..but he's got a mother who he's close enough with to ask her to buy him some drums, yet he doesn't have an address to use so he can apply for jobs....

Hmmm...believe that, you'll believe anything

BifsWif · 20/12/2018 14:07

A lot of homeless people I work with can’t live with family. Overcrowding is a major issue, and the issues that some homeless people have mean that there families can’t have them living with them. They’ve usually tried to help them for years but have been unable to. It doesn’t mean they don’t love them or want to buy them gifts for Christmas, what a strange thing to assume.

BifsWif · 20/12/2018 14:08

Their families*

Areyoufree · 20/12/2018 14:13

This is a really useful thread for links - can't believe that I had never heard of StreetLink before.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 20/12/2018 14:14

It's great you wanting to help and you have contacted the relevant people to go out and try to help him. It is really difficult to know what each individual needs and whether they are genuinely homeless or if it's an easy way to get a lot of money from begging and then go home to houses better than ours, or if they have had help in the past and rejected it for whatever reason. The people who will come out to him are better trained to work out his situation than most of the rest of us.

Mind you, last winter on one of the coldest, snowiest days we went to Asda in a nearby town. Outside was a homeless young lady I'd seen before in the town centre itself (there are regular places the homeless tend to frequent, outside McD's, KFC etc with sleeping bags at night) She was freezing and looked unwell so I asked her if she wanted a sandwich and a drink. She wasn't begging, just huddled up in her coat trying to keep warm, not even making eye contact with shoppers and everyone was just walking past, not offering money, she was under the canopy trying to stay out of the snow. She seemed extremely grateful for the offer (or could be a good actor) so I went to get her something. I went back to check if she was vegetarian, had allergies, didn't like particular things etc and her responses indicated she would have eaten anything, as long as it was food.

Anyway, ds4 (7) and I went and got her a few things while dh and others boys started shopping. Sandwich, cans of pop, juice, crisps, chocolate bars, apples, bananas etc so she had something for later, some treats and some healthier food. (Also used it to explain stuff to ds about homelessness too as we have been classed as homeless ourselves and had to overstay at a house until we got our council house, and encourage him to be generous etc) She couldn't believe her eyes when I gave her the bag of food (she thought the sandwich was for her and the bag was our shopping) and was extremely grateful for the food, I will never forget the look on her face.

I hope we brightened her day and made it a little more bearable, I can't imagine she was out in minus temperatures trying to con people out of money in such misery, and I don't think that selling somewhere between £10 and £15 worth of groceries for pennies each would have produced enough money to buy a joints worth of drugs, so hopefully she had a couple of meals out of it. I haven't seen her since and sometimes wonder how she is and if she got any help she needs, but it is also in the back of my mind I could have been conned out of our hard earned money. There are plenty of people out there who are begging on the streets who make it harder for those in genuine need to get help.

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