Christmas with partner and her ex

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My partner split with her ex last year and we've been together a year. She has two children to him but gradually over the past few months he's been seeing less and less of the kids. He has drink problems and hasn't been able to hold down a regular job and wad recently evicted from his home. There is no formal agreement between him and the mum over the kids but she is always chasing after him to meet the kids at times and days he's previously agreed. In short he doesn't take his role serious at all and regularly let's the kids down, to the point the 7 year old is question why his dad isn't picking him up from school as previously agreed. My partner kicked him out because he never cared for her or the boys and his actions after they've split prove he still doesn't care. I had planned to spend Christmas with her and the children, I bought the kids their presents and we had arranged to spend Christmas together and he would take the children just after Christmas day but he recently lost his job and house due to his drinking and told my partner he wanted to kill himself after he met the children down on two occasions. We agreed she should tell his family so the responsibility is on them but she was speaking to him tonight and invited him into the house to see the boys for an hour. I love the kids and want what's best for them but I know he will.continue to let them down. He's living with his girlfriend or extended family members due to his behaviour. His own immediate family won't speak to him because of his actions yet my partner invited him to the house on Christmas day for an hour. Am I wrong to think this situation is wrong? I could understand if he was a dedicated father but he isn't. I feel like hes trying to interrupt our Christmas. The kids spent years in that house with him and he never cared. he doesn't care enough to sort himself out enough to hold down a job and now he wants to come into the house I'm trying to create a new life with my partner and boys. I've no problem him seeing the boys but he doesn't care enough to see them regularly when he should and now I feel he's manipulating my partner to weasel his way into the house on Christmas day. I wonder how that will affe t the kids because they already question why he's at the house when picking them up unannounced so how is their dad being back at their family home.on Christmas day going to affect them? I'm upset my ex gives him unlimited chances to let the kids down and he doesn't care yet I've been doing everything I can to provide and make a happy Christmas for us and the boys and as this is our first Christmas together I wanted it to be special but with things as they currently are I'm the bad guy somehow for speaking up and trying to find a solution and explain how I don't thi k this situation is right.

Advice appreciated please. I'm at a loss

I think your partner is doing her best to ensure that the children have some kind of relationship with their dad. She’s unlikely to succeed long term but I understand why she tries. I have a drunken ex too and I’ve always done my best to facilitate as well.
The ex may be a drunk but he’s still their dad. They love him and will probably worry/miss him if they didn’t see him at all.
It’s tough for you, and lovely that you are already trying to protect them but families can be really complex.
By seeing him for an hour, your dp may reassure the children, and “get it over with” ie ensure you can then get on with enjoying the rest of the holiday having done her best (and maybe dealt with a bit of unnecessary guilt too)
It’s only an hour. If you don’t want to be there, can you go for a run or nip in to have a drink with some friends or family while he is there. Or just take over the kitchen for an hour. That might be better as one hour is less likely to turn into two.
Trying to find the right balance is difficult, this is your dp’s first try at a separated/shared Xmas and there isn’t a book on how to get it right. Just try to be flexible and don’t let an hour spoil the holiday

I think she’s doing the right thing.

She is doing the right thing. Him seeing them for an hour isn't taking over your Christmas.

It's not about you andbyiu Christmas. She is trying to what's best for the kids.

Oh and also it's mine and Dp first Christmas together this year.

He hasn't batted an eyelid about the fact the Christmas afternoon I will be leaving him alone while I drive 40 mins there and 40 mins back to take the kids to their dad's.

Are you a father?

Regardless of him letting the dc down they are still his Dad, the dc still love him and your dp is trying (maybe fruitlessly) to maintain some relationship for them. If he's that shit the dc will sadly bale up their own minds over time.

You need to support her if you want to be with her.

*He is still their Dad

I'm not sure that what your partner is doing is right or wrong. I have an alcoholic ex and I wouldn't enable him in this way. However your partner's ex sounds incredibly self-destructive and there is a significant chance he may kill himself one way or the other. So in your shoes I would support her efforts or pay minimal attention to him. He probably won't turn up or will be pissed and having a full-on pity party. I understand your feelings about her decision. It's not necessarily best for her to chase him because the children are obviously unimportant to him.

Oyuveconly been with her a year just after breaking up with the father of the kids. She probably told her all the worse about him and you've created a terrible olimave of him as a result.

Have you considered that maybe he is a broken man after being left by his partner and then losing his job and house? That maybe he is very depressed, that maybe, just maybe he is just going through a very bad phase and need a bit of help to get back on his fit.

You should be proud of your partner showing some compassion for the benefit of her children. She is doing this for them and that shows what a caring person she is.

You are clearly making this about you and your Xmas together. You've been together just a year, don't live together. It's great that you are showing interest in these children but you seem to want to exclude him and take ovdr his role. This is not what is in the best interest of the children, at least not yet.

entirely understand where you are coming from OP. It must be awful to see your partner and the kids suffer because of her ex. But the other posters are right too. He is their dad and he’s clearly in an awful place. Yes, it will make an hour of Christmas grim, probably for all of you. Yes, he may well not turn up. Please just continue to take the moral high ground and be the good dad and the good partner. They can see what he is doing as well as you can and they have chosen to be with you most of the time. Tough as it is, try not to point out the awful things he is doing because they really do know and don’t need it rubbed in. Just be yourself. It is you they want to be with. And enjoy the other 23 hours!

Yes of course she should invite them to see them (though maybe not tell them to expect him so as not to get their hopes up), but keeping things as normal as possible is the best thing. Co-parenting with an alcoholic is hard and it sounds like she’s doing the best she can under very difficult circumstances.

My dad was an abusive jerk and she didn’t trust him to have me on his own, so he spent most holidays with us (eventually with his new gf, who was lovely). He came over for dinner. He even came on a few holidays with us and got his own room. Looking back as an adult, it is probably the only reason I had any sort of relationship at all and I’m grateful my mum put up with what must have been a really stressful situation. He died when I was 18, so those visits were really all I have in terms of any sort of memories of him.

Your partner sounds like she’s a good mum. Give her a break and let her do what she needs to. If it’s not working for you though, you don’t have to stay in the relationship, but her kids have to come first.

Is it definitely just for an hour? I think that would be doable but if an hour is going to be com the whole morning/afternoon then it's too much.

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate them. I understand the kids come first. It frustrates me that she stands by and let's him continually let the kids down. He doesn't care one bit and it's so obvious but she chases around after him like a child trying to force the kids on him. It annoys me because he's gifted with those two boys and although he's not living with my partner he can still have a relationship with them but chooses not to. The eldest already asks why his dad isn't picking him when he should be. This obviously upsets the child and her as a result. This then affects our relationship and she takes it out on me. I sometimes think shes annoyed when he doesnt take the kids because it means she gets no free time to herself. It's clear he doesn't care for the boys I just don't understand why she is trying to force the kids onto him. If he doesn't care why doesn't she tell him where to go? You can say "he's the kids dad" but he's never fulfilled that role.

My partner said we can go to her parents across the street for the hour but I can't help think how the situation will affect the eldest. He already questions why the dad is in the house at certain times when he shows up unexpectedly at times after he's had a drink.

In response to the last poster. She said it's just an hour but my issue is what happens the next week when he still has no.place to take the boys, or it's raining or he's no money to take them to dinner. I know he's a chancer and how things will evolve. Soon one hour on Christmas day becomes one hour during the week, then it's him and her sitting in the living room together with the boys together. I'm planning to move in with her but how is that possible when there's no boundaries. I'm all for making the boys happy and my actions prove that. He blows them off and doesn't give a good about them but just because he's their dad he should be allowed to come and go and do as he pleases?

It's an hour, during which he will only be offered a soft drink, tea or coffee whilst you and she busy yourselves elsewhere in the house.
After the hour, thank him for coming over for an hour and making Christmas special for the boys and give him his coat.

He will want a drink and will not get it at yours.

It is important the kids see your adult behaviour towards their Dad. You are setting an example.
If the kids want him to stay, you need to agree an answer with your partner. It will be probably be a polite no for today but ask him whether he can see them on x day instead and make arrangements.
The man has issues..don't make them yours.

At the end of the day both those kids have a right to a relationship with their father regardless to whether he is a good dad or not.

It’s hard co parenting but at least the children will be able to see that “mummy tried to enable a relationship”

This really isn’t about you or her right now. It’s about the kids, and their right to see their dad.

He is their father. You are not.

He has issues and maybe the best he can do right now is what he is doing. So what if the kids’ parents sit together in the living room with their children? He is their Dad.

I love the kids and want what's best for them but I know he will.continue to let them down.

I feel like hes trying to interrupt our Christmas.

With all due respect, a lot of women wouldn't have even introduced you yet to their children. You don't "love" them. You won't be in their lives if you break up tomorrow. It's not your Christmas for him to interrupt.

I'd probably do exactly the same as her, she's doing what's nicest for her children, an hour with their FATHER on Christmas day. Let her parent, don't undermine her. Don't come on parenting websites to have other women tell you she's wrong.

Stay out of it, be nice, and look good by comparison. If you turn it in to a pissing contest you won't see next Christmas.

After the hour, thank him for coming over for an hour and making Christmas special for the boys and give him his coat.

Don't do this, it's not your place.

You're not all about making them happy - you're all about having it your way and deciding what's best for the boys. She is doing her best to put her children first in the way she sees is best and you need to either support her or leave her to it. You can't dictate how and when they see their dad because it 'spoils your time'. Grow up.

I'm planning to move in with her but how is that possible when there's no boundaries.

Yeah, that's what this is about.

I'm really hoping your girlfriend is a MNer now..

Thanks for the replies. Have a merry Christmas.

This post could have been written about me (although I am single lol) my eldests dad sounds just like your dps ex and I have and sometimes still do bend over backwards to try and build a relationship for my son and his dad. I do it for my son not my ex, I'm the one who has to listen to him crying in his room at night because all he wants is a normal relationship with his dad, he has many times said he feels like his dad doesn't love and want him and it breaks my heart. So I do everything in my power to try and get my ex involved for my sons sake and so that in the long term my son can make up his own mind. He is now starting to see him for what he is (he recently got a phone and his calls and texts are rarely answered) but I never want my son to say I stopped him seeing his dad so I let him see me trying so he knows I've done everything I could for him to have a relationship with his dad. He is almost a teenager now and slowly starting to lose interest in having any relationship with him. Just know you are doing your best by those children and your dp really will appreciate everything you do but she needs to feel like she is doing everything she can by her children.

I'm all for making the boys happy and my actions prove that

Parenting is about far more than making the children “happy”

It’s about doing what’s best for them long term even if it’s incredibly hard for you.

Their needs come first, always.

That’s what you partner is doing. She is trying to maintain a relationship between her boys and their father, despite his illness and bad behaviour.

She is trying to make sure that in years to come that she can face her children and say “I tried my hardest”.

She doesn’t lack boundaries, you do.

It’s not your place to be telling her she can’t welcome her ex to share a little bit of Christmas with their small children.

The children’s needs come first. Always first and always before yours.

I'm trying to create a new life with my partner and boys. I've no problem him seeing the boys but he doesn't care enough to see them regularly when he should

WTAF, they are not your boys. You don’t get to have ‘a problem’ with their access arrangements. You are not their parent. You are their Mum’s relatively new partner.

Honestly, behaving like this about a new partner’s children is some creepy bunny boiling shit.