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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be freaked out by DD's friend?

45 replies

OhdDarlingClementine · 20/12/2018 01:18

Tell me if this behaviour is within the parameters of normal please.

DD (22) still living at home. Best friend of 3 years, same age also still living with parents.

I am aware that DD often pays for nights out. Friend says she's forgotten card etc. She lent money to her which took months for her to pay back. Friend is a bit cooky. Ditched 2 college courses, drifts from job to job. DD is at Uni. I suspect friend is trying to sabotage DD telling her to ditch Uni, encouraging her to go out on nights when she has Uni the next day, texts her up to 20 times if DD says no until she says yes.

DD had arranged tickets for her birthday to somewhere she'd wanted to go for long time. Friend was supposed to give her money for her ticket as DD bought them. Never did then on the afternoon they were supposed to go texted her that she was ill so couldn't go. DD devastated but luckily got another friend to go with her.

Tonight friend knocks on door past midnight saying she's come to pick DD up. DD in bed asleep. Knows nothing about going out. In front of us friend insists DD replied to a text saying she would go out. DD denies this. DD just left house now to go to a party which she knew nothing about. Half asleep, no makeup on as friend talked her into it. This is not the first time.

Friend lives out in sticks so drives. DD doesn't so friend picks her up as she wants to go out in town near her, not our local one. Often DD has to stay over at friends as friend won't bring her back (taxi at least £30) and friend knows she can't get back.

There have been occasions where friend has gone off for the day, saying she hasn't got time to drop DD home, so DD has had to stay in her house on her own. I've had to drive out there to pick her up. There are no pavements near house and nearest bus stop miles away. It's really inaccessible without driving.

It's all very odd.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

OhdDarlingClementine · 20/12/2018 01:22

What has freaked me out tonight is the way the friend turned and insisted DD had replied to a text saying she would go out while DD vehemently denied it. It's like she's gaslighting her.

DD had told me earlier she had no plans to go out as she had been up all night doing Uni work and had gone to bed!

OP posts:

steff13 · 20/12/2018 01:23

I wouldn't have opened the door to someone knocking after midnight. Your daughter's friend sounds manipulative. It's up to your daughter not to let herself be manipulated.

Jamiefraserskilt · 20/12/2018 01:24

Ask your dd what she would think if you were to describe her as a friend of yours.
She needs to learn to assert herself and say no and mean no. This friend needs to be trained on what is and is not an acceptable expectation. I would have sent her away without disturbing my sleeping dd but that is me.

Lizadork · 20/12/2018 01:27

Talk to daughter about the situation. If she is feeling bullied into paying/going out by friend then I suggest taking control of her banking and enforcing a curfew. Make a set amount. Say you guys have upped the rent/bills and are saying no more in social hours etc. Give her the excuse to blame you big time!!! I would tell daughter to turn phone off or silent, not to answer after a certain time and if friend turns up then you turn her away. Be the hard arse no fun parents, play up to it. Peer pressure can be hard to overcome and you said they are best friends, so blaming the parents is an easy out.

moredoll · 20/12/2018 01:28

I would have sent her away without disturbing my sleeping dd

Me too.

Original poster

OhdDarlingClementine · 20/12/2018 01:28

We did but she insisted DD knew she was coming Jamie.

We were getting ready to go up when she knocked. Didn't who it was, could have been a neighbour with a problem.

She is so brazen. I can't figure it out.

OP posts:

Lizadork · 20/12/2018 01:30

Thinking more fake blame you which is why her money no longer freely available to friend and why she can no longer do the unsociable hours. Nothing actually has to change in your family, the best friend just needs to think it has.

MrsTerryPratcett · 20/12/2018 01:35

She is so brazen. So you need to be brazen right back.

"Sorry friend but it's completely inappropriate to be knocking on a door at midnight if it's not an emergency. Night". And close the door.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2018 01:39

Even though your daughter is an adult, you need to have a very candid conversation with her and explain your concerns. This "friend" is definitely a worry.

Original poster

OhdDarlingClementine · 20/12/2018 01:42

What worries me most is that I know this girl drinks and drives.

DD is an adult, I can't control her money. We've had many conversations about it because she tells me everything!

This girl even expected her to not go out on her birthday and go to hers. She was furious DD still went!

I don't understand how DD can't extricate herself from the situation.

There will be no more midnight coming ins that's for sure.

OP posts:

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 20/12/2018 01:43

I don’t get why you woke up dd.

She’s sleeping sorry.
She knows I’m coming
Well she must have changed her mind, she’s sleeping. Good night. Close door.

SandAndSea · 20/12/2018 01:43

A lot of what you've written is very familiar to me and none of it is too awful. I'm sure that life will teach your daughter all she needs to know. Maybe you could help it along a bit by offering to pay for a confidence building or assertiveness course? It sounds like she's getting swept along and could benefit from some help learning to listen to and act on her own feelings. Just some thoughts.

Original poster

OhdDarlingClementine · 20/12/2018 01:45

Well I know why DD can't extricate herself, it's because this girl won't leave her alone. She has tried before a few times.

Not sure what I can do to make her stand up for herself.

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 20/12/2018 01:46

Sorry, we crossed in the ether there. I have zero tolerance for drinking and driving. (Bit of a drip feed there.) I def wouldn't have let her in knowing that.

Original poster

OhdDarlingClementine · 20/12/2018 01:48

I can assure you the girl would have kept on knocking until DD came down.

We were a bit thrown. Other DC asleep.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhdDarlingClementine · 20/12/2018 01:50

Nor do I Sand. DD is aware.

I didn't actually think she was going to give in and go! She is assertive enough with us.

FFS need to get to bed.

Will try yo formulate something in the morning.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Ariela · 20/12/2018 01:51

What worries me most is that I know this girl drinks and drives.
Then if you know her movements, report her. If she looses her licence she'll have less power to turn up.
Also encourage your DD to learn to drive.

Punto1 · 20/12/2018 01:51

I'd have told her to go away if my dd was asleep.

Merryoldgoat · 20/12/2018 01:55

If your DD actually wants to extricate herself you need a plan and she needs support.

Your DD needs to tell her she doesn’t want to be her friend any more.

Blocks her everywhere.

Is backed up by you.

I really don’t understand how you let her in at midnight - brazen or not, it’s your home. I’d have told her to fuck off and told her I was calling the police if she didn’t.

Your adult DD sounds like a people pleaser and I’m guessing she’s learned that from you, given the situation you’ve both found yourselves in tonight.

Time for you both to get some inner strength and stop being doormats.

SandAndSea · 20/12/2018 01:58

Maybe introduce her to mumsnet? Get her to read some of the cf threads? When you're not like that yourself, you don't always see it coming, until you've been through it a few times (or read about it on here). I also think it's harder when you're young and don't necessarily know what you want yet.

Maybe you could help her come up with some assertive responses so she's not caught off guard?

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 20/12/2018 02:00

You are the adult here, act like it and say nongoodbye once in a while

SandAndSea · 20/12/2018 02:04

I know she's a grown up and all that but I would insist she doesn't get in the car with someone who's drink-driving. Make sure she's always got appropriate numbers and a charged phone to call etc.

And, get her to start driving lessons.

HoppingPavlova · 20/12/2018 02:19

Your DD is 22yo so I don’t understand why the problem lies with the friend?

Surely, if she has uni the next day it’s up to your DD to say she is not going out late night partying etc. If the friend comes around at midnight with some story your DD just has to say no. You are acting like the girl has a gun and your daughter is a hostage. She is 22yo, old enough to say no, tell someone to go away, block people on her phone etc if necessary. Not difficult.

Adversecamber22 · 20/12/2018 02:31

I like good manners but there is no way anyone would have been allowed to set foot over the threshold of my house at that time. Iwojdl have told her to do one quite frankly and I’m not prone to swear8 g but that’s ridiculous.

Your DD can’t stand up for herself but it does sound as if your a pushover so maybe she thinks that’s ok. Plus your having to ask if it’s normal, of course it isn’t. She is manipulative and bullying.

Adversecamber22 · 20/12/2018 02:32

Apologies for typos it’s late

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