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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be freaked out by DD's friend?

45 replies

OhdDarlingClementine · 20/12/2018 01:18

Tell me if this behaviour is within the parameters of normal please.

DD (22) still living at home. Best friend of 3 years, same age also still living with parents.

I am aware that DD often pays for nights out. Friend says she's forgotten card etc. She lent money to her which took months for her to pay back. Friend is a bit cooky. Ditched 2 college courses, drifts from job to job. DD is at Uni. I suspect friend is trying to sabotage DD telling her to ditch Uni, encouraging her to go out on nights when she has Uni the next day, texts her up to 20 times if DD says no until she says yes.

DD had arranged tickets for her birthday to somewhere she'd wanted to go for long time. Friend was supposed to give her money for her ticket as DD bought them. Never did then on the afternoon they were supposed to go texted her that she was ill so couldn't go. DD devastated but luckily got another friend to go with her.

Tonight friend knocks on door past midnight saying she's come to pick DD up. DD in bed asleep. Knows nothing about going out. In front of us friend insists DD replied to a text saying she would go out. DD denies this. DD just left house now to go to a party which she knew nothing about. Half asleep, no makeup on as friend talked her into it. This is not the first time.

Friend lives out in sticks so drives. DD doesn't so friend picks her up as she wants to go out in town near her, not our local one. Often DD has to stay over at friends as friend won't bring her back (taxi at least £30) and friend knows she can't get back.

There have been occasions where friend has gone off for the day, saying she hasn't got time to drop DD home, so DD has had to stay in her house on her own. I've had to drive out there to pick her up. There are no pavements near house and nearest bus stop miles away. It's really inaccessible without driving.

It's all very odd.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

lottielottielottie · 20/12/2018 02:38

You say this isn't the first time this has happened. You are too soft and you must be a walkover if this CF so called DD 'friend' can get away with this. There's no way that 'friend' would get past me into my house like that at that time. It's time for you to have words with this CF and be brazen back & explain firmly that this is unacceptable. How she thinks it's ok to march up your stairs commanding your DD to get out of bed is beyond me! Why and how have you allowed this to happen before?! Tell the CF that next time you won't open the door.

She sounds horrible. Like a manipulative little bully.

lottielottielottie · 20/12/2018 02:42

Op you stated ..... I can assure you the girl would have kept on knocking until DD came down.

That is harassment, tell her to piss off.

And regarding the drink driving - I would use that as an excuse to tell her she isn't welcome at your home anymore. I am presuming she is putting your daughter at risk here as they spend so much time together partying by the sounds of it.

I would be fucking livid. And I would be very rude to make my point clear.

SoleBizzz · 20/12/2018 02:49

Your DD is jeopardizing her life hanging around with this jealous loser. Your DD needs to have a long hard think and see this so called friend does not display normal behaviour. Your DD needs to assert herself.

Do they have mutual friends?

Topseyt · 20/12/2018 03:09

Your DD may need your help to extricate herself from this. She needs to realise that this girl is not a friend and she should stop appeasing her. Some of her behaviour is jealous and potentially alarming - she didn't want DD going on a birthday outing without her, she turns up at midnight and railroads DD into getting up and going to a party, she drinks and drives.

DD needs to block her on all social media and on her phone. You both need to stop being such people pleasers. I really don't understand why you let the cheeky fucker in at midnight anyway. I probably wouldn't even have answered the door. If the brazen hussy had then refused to go away I would have considered that harassment and called the police.

OwlBeThere · 20/12/2018 03:31

You are the adult here, act like it and say nongoodbye once in a while

the OP's dd is 22! SHE is the adult here who should be telling her friend to fuck off and not disturb people in the middle of the night!

ReflectentMonatomism · 20/12/2018 07:01

Friend is a bit cooky

No. She is a manipulative loser who will drag your daughter down. “Cooky” is brightly dyed hair and clothes that don’t quite match.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 20/12/2018 07:15

Jesus, I can be a walkover but she could have sat on my doorstep for all I care- if she tries this again close the door and ring the police!

safetyfreak · 20/12/2018 07:25

If that was my DD, I would have been firm with the friend and tell her to leave. If she refused, I would then threaten to call the police.

I know your DD is an adult but she sounds quite an vulnerable young lady and likely needs some guidance to detach from this friend. I cannot believe you just let your DD go after what you saw.

Adults can be vulnerable too.

ChasedByBees · 20/12/2018 07:36

I agree with the others, your DD needs help to get out of this friendship. Does she say she enjoys her company? I would report the friend for drink driving too. She could kill someone. Maybe your DD.

DeadBod · 20/12/2018 07:39

The friend insisting that dd had replied to a text could be easily sorted by asking the friend to show the alleged text.
Your daughter needs to be more assertive, why is she letting herself be manipulated by this so called friend?

Caselgarcia · 20/12/2018 07:50

I might be wrong but to me it's reads like 'friend' is jealous of your DD and is trying to make life awkward for your DD. I had a 'friend' like this, dropped out of college, failed exams, stuck in small village while I moved into town in my own flat and got a good job. She wore me down, everything on her terms, isolated me from other friends.
It finally dawned on me what she was doing event hough others had been pointing this out to me for months. She isn't a friend, she would like nothing more than to see your DD fail.

woolduvet · 20/12/2018 08:29

I'd have to told her to leave and threatened the police if she knocked again.
It's your daughter who has to lead this.
Have a talk about her course and whether she's on track, how much she wants to go out and when so that she stays on track. Chat about whether it's appropriate to lend money to people and how to say no.
But it's all down to her.

titchy · 20/12/2018 08:39

What merryoldgoat said. You're BOTH doormats.

BifsWif · 20/12/2018 08:42

Fuck everything else, she is drink driving with your daughter in her car. Do you get how serious that is? She could kill your child.

If your daughter won’t stand up to her, you’re going to have to and then teach your daughter to be more assertive.

This isn’t weird. It’s dangerous.

Bambamber · 20/12/2018 08:42

Next time she knocks after midnight just tell her to fuck off. She clearly has no respect so I wouldn't have respect for her.

Your daughter needs to learn her own mind and not to just go along with things.

Pinkyyy · 20/12/2018 09:02

I'm sorry OP but your DD is 22. It's up to her to make the right calls and you certainly can't choose her friends at that age.

Pinkyyy · 20/12/2018 09:03

And if your DD is stupid enough to get in the car with a drink driver then she's just as bad.

SilverLining10 · 20/12/2018 09:16

Your dd is 22 not a toddler. She wasnt forced to go anywhere with her friend, she chose to. This friend may have issues but your dd has a brain of her own and can think for herself.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 20/12/2018 09:33

It's obviously not as simple as your DD just saying no. If the 'friend' will text 20 times until she changes her mind she's obviously trying to stand up to her.

I think she should send her a message saying ending the friendship, then block all communication with her. Have her not answer the door, and if the friend turns up you send her away. If she refuses to leave, call the police.

dogdogdog · 20/12/2018 09:34

This is really grim to read.

I had something similar when I was young and naive.

These people pull you down. You don't pull them up.

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