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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for my baby back

42 replies

Crybabycry · 19/12/2018 23:26

5 month old has started crying when other family members pick her up and is only happy with me or DP. Most people hand her back as soon as she starts getting distressed but one person continually tries to settle her and ignores my DDs cries.

Family member walks around the room with DD, tickles, rocks, tries to distract her and none of it works and DD gets more and more distressed. I ask for DD back after a few minutes which is ignored and eventually I have to physically take her back. DD is so upset at this point that I can’t soothe her and have to breastfeed her for comfort.

I am now being told that it is my fault that she is crying and I am too clingy with her and that she will end up a needy and unsociable child. AIBU to expect my child be given back to me when she is upset and stop leaving her to become more upset?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 19/12/2018 23:28

I hate it when people do this! Why on earth do they think your child would rather be held by them?

Printerneedsink · 19/12/2018 23:28

Yes of course they should give your child back. It is not your fault, your DD is being a perfectly normal baby.

OlennasWimple · 19/12/2018 23:28

YANBU

Is the family member perhaps trying to "prove" that they are some kind of baby whisperer - or that they have a "special relationship" with your DD?

Regardless, when a baby is upset and some basic things have been tried to settle her, if their mother asks for her back she should be handed over right away

Mxyzptlk · 19/12/2018 23:29

YANBU.
Say "Well, that's my mistake to make" and take back your child.

cadburyegg · 19/12/2018 23:29

YANBU. Congratulations you have a perfectly normal baby!

BigBumandMumTum · 19/12/2018 23:29

Is it your Mil?
Seems common on mn that the mil try's to prove they know best

Cherries101 · 19/12/2018 23:31

Maybe mention she has D&V and that’s why she’s crying: nobody will want to hold her then!

birdladyfromhomealone · 19/12/2018 23:31

Is it your MIL OP?

seventhgonickname · 19/12/2018 23:31

She's not really socialising if she's crying and distressed is she.She has the whole of her life to learn to socialise.

Singlenotsingle · 19/12/2018 23:31

Babies that age haven't had enough time to learn to be sociable. That comes later. ATM all she wants is the one person who can provide love, comfort, and milk. So long as she knows there are other people in the world apart from dm, she'll get more interested in them later.

jessstan2 · 19/12/2018 23:32

Why are so many people picking your baby up?

Original poster

Crybabycry · 19/12/2018 23:32

I know Hollow, it actually makes me really anxious to hear her cry particularly, when I know I could stop her in a few seconds if I got her back. Family member seems to be making a point of it now and taking longer to give her back and walking around with her into other rooms. I feel like screaming at her.

OP posts:

Eilaianne · 19/12/2018 23:32

Why are you ASKING ?!

Your baby is upset, you don't believe they're soothing effectively.. just take her back.

Why are you asking permission to have your own child's needs met?

Just take back with a simple "time to come back now" and a smile, but firm tone.

StripeyDeckchair · 19/12/2018 23:36

I'd refuse to let that person hold the baby saying

You seem to take pleasure in ignoring my reasonable request to return DD to me when she starts crying. This makes her more upset and harder to settle and is insulting to me, her mother.
At this age the parent bond is all that matters and your behaviour is unacceptable so I'm not going to give you the opportunity to do it again.

Fuck them if they don't like it they shouldn't have behaved like a prat.

Cheby · 19/12/2018 23:36

I don’t want to come over all nethuns but honestly, your baby your rules. Don’t allow this bullshit, take your baby back as soon as she starts crying.

Original poster

Crybabycry · 19/12/2018 23:39

No it’s not my MIL. I have noticed that most of my female relatives try to soothe her cries including my mum but they will hand back when asked but this one particular person is trying to be the baby whisperer and it’s making me dread their visits. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

moredoll · 19/12/2018 23:41

YANBU
Wait until your DD is asleep and then phone family member and tell her you find her presence disruptive to the mother child bond and you'll be in touch when you've re-established it.
If you live with family member wait until DD is asleep and tell her the same thing. Shout, don't scream, if necessary.
Children learn to socialise round about 3. The strength of the bond with the primary carer is pivotal in this.

blackcat86 · 19/12/2018 23:49

My 4 month old is exactly the same. It's been hard for her GPs as she used to love cuddling them and now just screams. Extended family are even worse and I'm afraid that I had to be quite rude at some points taking her back and explaining that she doesn't actually care if you're her cousin/aunt/uncle etc. To her, you're a stranger she doesn't see often. You know when DC is just grizzling and when they're really distressed. I won't be ashamed of responding to my baby's needs and neither should you. Take baby back or sit them on your lap facing the visitor so that they can sit and chat. DD seems much braver this way.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 19/12/2018 23:55

Sounds like this relative is doing it as a control thing over you. Just nip it in the bud, or it’ll get worse.

Bigonesmallone3 · 19/12/2018 23:57

I was like this with my first, with my second I was good at just saying.. 'oh she wants mummy' and just taking MY child

FlubQueen · 20/12/2018 00:11

I'm not sure why people are jumping in blaming the MIL. For me, thr worst offender for this and also generally overstepping boundaries was my own mother, who also was apparently a baby whisperer.

Op, your baby is fine and your relative is being weird.

FairportConvention · 20/12/2018 00:24

Perfectly normal behaviour for a baby this age. Apparently I was like that at five months with my own father, who was a lovely man and the family member I had the deepest bond with. Dad respected my five month old need to be held only by my mother and it soon passed. Tell family member dd will make a negative association with them if they continue to force themselves on her while she screams. Do you have anyone else to back you up when said family member starts with their nonsense?

llangennith · 20/12/2018 00:25

Not sure of your living arrangements but if these people don't actually share your home then don't let them in. If you don't let them in to your home they might get the message.
You really have to start being assertive for your DD's sake.

CrazyOldBagLady · 20/12/2018 00:25

You aren't creating a needy and unsociable child by responding to her when she is upset, that's a load of tosh. In fact the opposite is true, if she knows you will always be there to comfort her she will feel more confident as she grows.

FairportConvention · 20/12/2018 00:28

Ooh op other tip is to get a sling and wear dd for the visits, she’ll be harder to get at then.

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