To ask for my baby back

[Crybabycry]

5 month old has started crying when other family members pick her up and is only happy with me or DP. Most people hand her back as soon as she starts getting distressed but one person continually tries to settle her and ignores my DDs cries.

Family member walks around the room with DD, tickles, rocks, tries to distract her and none of it works and DD gets more and more distressed. I ask for DD back after a few minutes which is ignored and eventually I have to physically take her back. DD is so upset at this point that I can’t soothe her and have to breastfeed her for comfort.

I am now being told that it is my fault that she is crying and I am too clingy with her and that she will end up a needy and unsociable child. AIBU to expect my child be given back to me when she is upset and stop leaving her to become more upset?

The fact that you ask and they refuse is just bonkers. It’s nice for people to try for a minute or two rather than handing straight back, but to make a point if it, just no. Take her straight back, she’ll start to hate that person by association.

Yes to the sling suggestion! ‘Baby whisperers’ are so passive-aggressive. What is the point of winding a baby up to the point of distress?

I think the sling is your solution, OP.

I suggest wearing the baby when said relative comes over.

It's NORMAL for children to want their parents only. She may be starting with separation anxiety, which is developmentally normal.

If you wear the baby, relative can't take her off you. If they throw a fit, they can LEAVE.

This pops up on so many threads in so many guises. It's often (but not always) grannies on both sides/either side that are the worst offenders. I can't imagine not giving a crying baby back ASAP. I think the only time I didn't, mum was in the loo in a cafe, so I let her finish her pee in peace, then returned him!

I'd go with a lot of the advice on here, OP. Either don't hand her over or get her back asap when she cries and firmly say "sorry, time to go back to mummy", wear her or refuse to have this relative holding her and explain why. Totally normal for your baby to want you above all others at this time. Good luck.

My baby is really nervous of strangers and will cry for me if I am in the room, even with DH! At 12 months old! So at 5 months especially when baby is breastfed, of course they want mummy. Just take the baby back forcefully if you have to, and tell the relative in no uncertain terms. I learned that an important stage in becoming a parent is telling older relatives to F OFF and respect my role as mother (not in those terms exactly of course).

Some people are weird about this kind of thing - it's beyond obvious that baby should be passed to you. If she's not, just take her.

My uncle does the same too! Very annoying! Luckily I don't see him that often but when DS cries, I just wrestle him off

I spent our housewarming party with step monster in law continually taking my baby off me, watching him get progressively more upset, then handing him back for me to settle, before forcibly removing him again! DH was useless and unaware as he was completely drunk I was not feeling my usual feisty self and let her walk all over me.

Kept being told he would never settle for anyone else, I was mollycoddling him and making a rod for my own back with the bf. His mood couldn't possibly be anything to do with all these brand new people in his space! DS is now a very sociable and happy toddler, he is definitely attached to me and DH but is happy in the comfort of other familiar adults too.

At 5 months you and DP are your DD's world, totally normal that she doesn't settle with others yet. It infuriates me that people don't go by your lead as parent if your DH was comfortable in another's arms I'm sure you wouldn't be snatching her back, I just don't get why do people think they have the right to override you. I wish I'd just told her to f**k off so maybe that's what you should do

I’d be really fucked off with this.

I’d also deal with it head on:

‘X - after your last visit I’ve been thinking about how clingy YOU are with the baby. I don’t like and I’m not willing to accept it anymore. You’re always welcome if you respect my parenting decisions. If you can’t its best you don’t visit anymore.’

Just glare, say "give me my baby" in an evil hiss, and/or, refuse to let this person hold DD in the first place. You do not have to explain yourself or "keep the peace" or "not make a scene". The first time will be the hardest if you aren't used to being assertive so to speak, but just be determined and do it.
If other people get upset/ say you're rude/ say "ohhh you upset Great Aunt Ethel" look them straight in the eye and say "so? She upset my baby, guess which one I care most about" and stare them down.
You can do it.
We are conditioned to be placid and pleasant and not rock the boat, and it can be hard, but just steel yourself into it.

YANBU. Family member sounds like a twat

She's your baby! Most babies are like this at 5mo. Plus you're BF which adds to it!

Don't ever ask for your baby back again, just take her once she starts to get upsets. Better still- don't bloody give her to this family member to begin with!

I’ve got several very close family members who think they are ‘baby whispers’- they are not and are actually really tone deaf when it comes to the baby and his needs. My 3 month old is usually fairly content but when he’s crying it can escalated really quickly until he gets into a state and it becomes incredibly difficult to calm him back down. It enrages me that they don’t automatically hand him back when he’s getting eggy as I can calm him fairly instantly but they keep trying to persist. I have whipped the baby away many times now as I’m beyond caring if I upset them having gone home in tears myself several times at the undermining. The last straw was when I visiting and the baby was sleeping and they were desperate to hold him but couldn’t put his needs firsts. Cue comments such as : “I think x wants a cuddle,” “x told me he wants a cuddle,” mean mummy,” “naughty mummy, x wants a cuddle.” Now I don’t care if I piss them off. He’s my baby and I know what he wants and needs and they are being selfish. My MIL is amazing and always give the baby straight back and tries desperately hard to do the things I do with the baby to calm him when she’s watching him for me. Not everyone hates their MIL.

Babies know who their mum is and would naturally prefer to be held by them. Perfectly normal and does not lead to a clingy child. Does this person have kids or are they much older? I have noticed that people of my mums generation (70s and 80s) seem to be quite averse to attachment parenting.

It's totally developmentally normal for a 5 month old to prefer her parents and it's a sign that she has a secure attachment to you.

I think it is the height of arrogance when people think that they have this baby whispering talent - either on bugger all evidence or because they were able to confront their own children in the same situation. Rather than being puffed up by the idea that they have special baby-calming abilities they should realise that it was the attachment - their position as parent - that made them so good with their own kids. Your children are comforted by your presence whether you're a great parent or a shite one, it's not a sign of how great you are, it's a sign of what a big responsibility you have, because nobody else can really replace you, they're going to want that connection from you no matter what.

Comfort their own children, not confront them

I had this with a couple of friends who thought they were baby experts. I would just say DS needs a feed, I'll take him now (and hide in another room to calm down)

Sorry OP just read back my post - if your DH was comfortable in another's arms
I'm sure you would have a different issue if this was the case .
Also I don't really get the comments about people saying people in this thread have laid this on mil's and no one has used the word hate - I read the thread back and only 2 pp asked the op if it was the mil. Which she debunked - my personal experience of this was with my step mil, but this is my situation - sorry if it's a cliche!