Partner says dog is more of a priority than me right now.

[ihatehoney]

Overview- me, struggling with depression and anxiety after coming off of my medicine (which he told me was the best thing to do for myself!). Border lining becoming suicidal, in tears every night which he will ignore if he see's.

Dog, 2 weeks post op from having his bits snipped. Has to be carried and less walking than usual (on vets recommendation as he had a hard 1st weeks recovery. Partner waits on him hand and foot.

For the record- I love the dog, he's mine too and I've looked after him and comforted him during the night when he's been crying or having nightmares since the op.

Spoke to boyfriend tonight- he says he does listen- but couldn't tell me anything that was going on with me atm (that I'd cried about literally this afternoon). His solution was to 'google it, I'm sure there are other people that know how you feel'.

Maybe I just want my boyfriend to give me a hug and be bit nicer towards me atm?! Not google anything. For the record, I'm so supportive with his work and listen as he bangs on about it constantly- I'm always offering ideas or a hug/back massage in the evening to relieve some of his stress.

It's Christmas next week and I'm looking forward to the night alone in our flat when he takes the dog to stay overnight at his parents- dreading having to go to theirs on boxing day as his siblings hate me and none of them- including his parents, talk to me when there's other people in the room. 👍🏻

Meangirls36-that is terrible advice and could make the suicidal thoughts worse.

@chicken12 thank you so much- what a kind comment. Honestly I wish I had someone close to talk to right now too! Everyone's asleep by now.

@pepperjack he's been back twice. He has an appointment on Friday too. Hopefully he'll be cleared for walking then :) it'll be nice to take him out again.

How do you know when a dog is having nightmares? My dog has dreams, where she whines or "runs" or barks in her sleep, but I wouldn't categorize them as nightmares. She usually just continues sleeping; she doesn't require any intervention from us.

@steff13 online it's categorised as a dog whimpering, crying, little yaps, moving around in their sleep.

My ex was like this. Completely useless and dismissive when I was sick. But expected my support when he needed it.

Got rid of him. Best thing I ever did.

Oh OP, you poor thing.

Please just remember - we are what we releatedly do, and your partner is showing you who he is. He is showing you that you aren’t his priority. He’s showing you that he can’t or won’t support you when your mental health is poor. Is that what you want from your life partner?

You deserve someone who puts you first and gives you the support you need. I don’t think it’s him.

This is so sad. From what you've said he doesn't sound great. I don't want to be one of those mumsnetters who attacks every boyfriend/husband and demands the OP dumps them but it doesn't sound much like it's valuing you or taking your feelings and health seriously. I know you've said you don't want to leave him but it does sound like something needs to seriously change in his attitude towards you because this kind of behaviour isn't loving or caring, it's just pretty.. I don't know. Inconsiderate? Thoughtless? Basically the opposite of what it sounds like you need right now.

@iamthewalrusgoogoogjoob I'm sorry for what you went through. I just can't dump him- I still love him.

I've managed to get an appointment with my GP this morning to discuss things- praying she's able to help me!

@Pachyderm1 no it's not😞 He yelled at me last night at 1am for coming to bed late and 'stomping around' according to him. This happens frequently and I swear I'm not stomping! I'm always trying to be quiet around him.

Another month I was having problems with bleeding throughout the whole month- I was confused as to what it was and he just said 'oh maybe you had a baby then it died'. I was in tears that car ride after that. He couldn't see what he'd said was hurtful and upsetting.

@Bluebonnieblue thank you, yeah it's definitely not the kind of support I need right now. Got the GP this morning- might spend the day at my parents afterwards as no ones home there. Watch a movie with the dog or something.

The more you say about him the worse he sounds. Just to recap:

• he wanted you to come off your meds because they made you 'a zombie'
• since you came off them you've been feeling depressed and suicidal - his response to that is to tell you to 'google it'
• he'd told you that the dog, which has had a small, routine operation, is more important right now that you (his suicidal gf, who he's supposed to love and who he shares his life with)
• his family are vile and rude to you and he does nothing about it
• when you were having problems with your periods he said that maybe you'd been pregnant and that the baby had died, which made you cry, yet he couldn't see why a comment like that was upsetting.

Loving someone is not a good enough reason to stay with them when they are inflicting mental cruelty on you.

@juneau everything you're writing in reading- I know it makes sense but I just can't leave him. I guess I'm holding onto some hope that he'll go back to being perfect and funny.

I sound like a stupid woman with no self respect.😣😞

The things is OP that you do indeed sound like you love him very much - both in word and in deed - yet his words and actions don't sound loving AT ALL. They sound cruel and dismissive. I wouldn't treat anyone I love with such disregard.

Go and see the GP - be honest about how you've been feeling and I'd lay it on thick regarding getting diagnosed. I have a DB who is bipolar and having a diagnosis allowed him to access help, support and more specific kinds of medication. I hope you get the help you need. In the meantime, do you have family or friends who will at least be kind and supportive?

I sound like a stupid woman with no self respect
You sound like a woman suffering from mental health with an uncaring and abusive partner.

You can leave, but your MH issues are clouding your judgement and zapping your energies.
This situation is a lot to deal with for someone so young.

If you can, talk to your Mum and/or your gp. Tell her that you love this man as he used to be funny and perfect but he's turned out to be useless and unsupportive.
Tell her you think you need to leave but don't have the emotional strength to do it. Hopefully she will help.

Good luck. You can and will get through this but not with a man who doesn't have your best interests at heart and doesn't have your back.

He does not sound supportive or good for your mh. Is taking a break while you recover an option? You may love him but he sounds at best borderline abusive and your love not reciprocated. How did you come to get together, what do you have in common?

Taking a break sounds like a very good idea. You’re very young, he sounds immature, not doing each other any good at the moment.

From past experience when you are coming off anti-depressants you are particularly vulnerable and often feel very physically unwell. Even if you start some new ones, this is the time that your suicidal thoughts are the most serious.
And whatever you do, do not take that bonkers advice of a previous poster to just take a dose and have a nice sleep - it doesn't work that way , they aren't like sleeping tablets. Meangirls36 you need to learn how incredibly dangerous that advice was.
Your partner is being truly, truly awful. Fucking google it indeed and print it out for the moron to read.
How long have you been with him? Because if he's like this all the time - I have a wee idea why your mental health might be more shit than normal.
I don't think a relationship has much future when someone clearly has no grasp on what mental health problems mean. I think he needs your GP to explain a few thing to him before he does you more harm - and if he won't go maybe you should think about your future together.

@CommanderDaisy I agree! The meds don't work like a paracetamol! Takes weeks to work properly again.

I'm at the GP right now. Made him sit down with me before I left and had a cry, let him know how I'm feeling and he's apologised and says he'll be more sympathetic and caring.👍🏻 Lets hope that's the case.

@juneau thank you, I don't want to talk to anyone about it- I don't live involving people in our relationship.

Currently at the GP so hopefully I'll come out with some help- fingers crossed.🤞🏻

Someone once told me that the British love of dogs was a symptom of the British inability to adequately feel and express emotions and subsequently form meaningful relationships with people. It’s not an unfair assessment in many circumstances.

I disagree, racecardriver. Are we really saying that no other country values dogs as much as we do? The Americans are very effusive with their feelings but I think they still love dogs.

A dog is a dependant in the way a girlfriend or wife isn't. It's right that we take good care of them. I don't think loving your dog and loving your partner should be mutually exclusive (and hopefully they should be different types of love anyway!).

(I don't have a dog, in case it's relevant.)

I hope the GP is helpful, and you can find a medication that doesn't zone you out so much. I went through about 4 different types before I found one that worked, but my situation was PND related.
Really question the GP hard about side effects to if you are still there!

I hope you feel better soon.

@CommanderDaisy thank you! I definitely will- I've got a list on my phone😂

Update: just got out the doctors- she prescribed Pregabalin. Never had it before but apparently it's effective. Can cause sleepiness though which is annoying.