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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I love my baby

35 replies

Meyouandbabytoo · 19/12/2018 21:44

I've gone away with dh for a couple of nights for the first time since our son was born in May. We've left him with my parents, it's the first time we've been away from him for more than a few hours since he was born.
Dh said earlier about missing our son, and it feeling like something was missing without him with us. I honestly don't feel like that. I've barely noticed he isn't here, and I just feel like me again. I can eat a meal without stopping to feed the baby, I can actually sleep at night, I just feel free. And I felt really guilty when I realised that.

What's wrong with me? Why don't I even care? Isn't my son meant to be more important to me than this?

OP posts:
Saltycinnamon · 19/12/2018 21:46

I think that's v normal. Please don't feel guilty about not feeling guilty! Enjoy your time away & give your baby an extra squeeze when you get back :)

Bambamber · 19/12/2018 21:48

Not missing your baby doesn't mean you don't love them. My daughter is a little older but sometimes I can't wait to hand her over to my husband so I can go to work. At least at work I can go to the toilet in peace

FissionChips · 19/12/2018 21:48

I love time without my child, I don’t think of her when she isn’t with me as I know she is safe and well.

I don’t understand all this nonsense about not being able to bear being parted from your children, not enjoying things without them. Weirdos.

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/12/2018 21:48

It's likely you needed a break far more than your husband. Don't feel guilty.

Bambini12 · 19/12/2018 21:49

You do love your baby. You’re not just a mum, you’re your own person too. Don’t feel guilty about having a couple of nights away from Baby and not missing him. You deserve a break and you’ll be happy to see him and refreshed from your break when you get back.

Enjoy yourself!

Verryberrycherry · 19/12/2018 21:49

I agree. Sounds normal to me. You care for him, feed, soothe, talk to him etc and show him love when he is there i assume. So it's not like you don't love him.

I was a bit like this when i first left my 9m old. Weird isn't it?

Underworld345 · 19/12/2018 21:49

I love it when I get some free time. That’s the one thing I really miss since having DS - me time. We all need a break. Obviously you really needed this time and hopefully when you get back to your baby, you’ll feel reenergised. Don’t feel guitly.

Grilledaubergines · 19/12/2018 21:50

Enjoying free time to relax and be you again has no connection with how much you love your child. It’s ok and healthy to feel you’re an individual and not just a mum.

BeanTownNancy · 19/12/2018 21:50

Oh man, I love offloading mine onto his grandmother and having a lie in. ❤️
Also, I love my job and some Mondays can't wait to get there.

But I still love my little boy and would do anything for him... Just not 24/7, I need to be me as well sometimes.

Hadalifeonce · 19/12/2018 21:51

Absolutely nothing wrong with you. Enjoy your time away.

Pomegranatemolasses · 19/12/2018 21:51

That is utterly normal. You absolutely love your baby, you are simply enjoying the feeling of being 'you' again for a little while.

A lot easier for fathers to feel 'something is missing', when they haven't been the primary care givers! Enjoy your time away. I too used to feel that guilt when I managed to escape from motherhood for a while; total waste of your precious free time!

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/12/2018 21:51

Don’t feel guilty!! I have time away from my children and it’s wonderful!! I miss them in the way society says we should miss them, but I’m certainly not mourning their absence or thinking about them lots or feeling like something is missing Grin

What you are feeling is so, so normal and it definitely doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby!!!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/12/2018 21:52

Making assumptions here but if he's 5 months old. You must on Mat Leave. There fore you must be with him all the time. Of course you're glad of the break. It doesn't make you the devil.
You have a bloody good time.

Neverender · 19/12/2018 21:53

Just enjoy it! Smile

Ullupullu · 19/12/2018 21:53

So normal! Babies are hard work! You grow to love your children as people.

Neverender · 19/12/2018 21:54

I'm having a night away with DH for the second time since our DD was born - and she's two years old now. Can't wait!

Batteriesallgone · 19/12/2018 21:55

It's likely you needed a break far more than your husband.

This. Enjoy the rest

Ohyesiam · 19/12/2018 21:55

Being the mother of a young child is HARD , overwhelming and often dull. Of course you enjoy time away.
I really lost myself when my kids were small, couldn’t remember who or what I was. Didn’t
Mean I didn’t love them.

Some people thrive around small children, some don’t. Mine are teen and tween now and I’m loving it.

EssentialHummus · 19/12/2018 21:55

Totally normal. DH took DD away for a few days when she was around a year old, and I sat on the Tube from Heathrow perfecting a ££££ sushi and ice cream order.

bumblenbean · 19/12/2018 21:56

Yup, I had the exact same thing. DH and I had a night away together and he commented how weird it felt being apart from DS. I felt simultaneously guilty that I was actually quite enjoying the peace and miffed that he wasn’t!

DS is 14 months now, I love him desperately but still feel a sense of freedom when I drop him at nursery or at my parents’ place for a few hours. We Are still individuals as well as mums and it’s ok to enjoy time to yourself.

Escolar · 19/12/2018 21:56

You sound completely normal OP!

FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles · 19/12/2018 21:56

I adore my children, but I clearly remember the feeling of elation and relief once I'd dropped them off at school/nursery and could get on the train with a coffee and a podcast and go to work.

Even now, when I'm not with them, I sometimes forget about them Blush. Like, I can get so absorbed in what I'm doing, or be reading a book/watching a film, whatever, and suddenly remember I have children.

When I'm with them I love them to distraction though.

Cornishclio · 19/12/2018 21:58

Babies are hard work. Completely normal to enjoy time away when you can have some time to yourself.

Augusta2012 · 19/12/2018 21:59

Could it be possible this is something to do with post-natal depression? You could talk to your health visitor about that?

This is far more common than you’d think. There was a study which showed 30% of mothers felt they struggled to bond with their baby so you’re not alone and you’re not a monster thinking this way. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a break either.

And I felt really guilty when I realised that.
What's wrong with me? Why don't I even care? Isn't my son meant to be more important to me than this?

Um, you do care. Because you’ve posted on here and you have feelings of guilt towards your DS and his welfare. If you genuinely didn’t care then you wouldn’t do either of these things. You’re beating yourself up for not caring about DS when you obviously do.

Original poster
Meyouandbabytoo · 19/12/2018 21:59

Yeah I'm on mat leave. Dh has a pretty demanding job as well so Sunday- Thursday all nights are mine as well as all days.
I guess I feel like my life has changed so much and his hasn't at all. He's still 'him' but I'm not me anymore.
And you're right, I know he's safe so I'm not worrying. I guess it's different for me as well as he's with my parents, for dh it's the in laws.
I just felt guilty because I realised I've barely even thought about him while I've been away from him.
And I'm feeling a bit guilty too as I'm back in work soon. I couldn't afford to take full mat leave, and I can't afford to go part time so he'll be in childcare a lot. And dhs sister works part time and keeps making comments about how she couldn't possibly leave her children in nursery 5 days a week and she'd rather not work than do that. But I'm really looking forward to going back and being me again.

OP posts: