Help needed with abusive ex and court order

[Brandnewshit]

I've had enough of dealing with my abusive ex, we've been split 2.5 years.
He was abusive In the relationship, police involvement it's all documented.
I saw a solicitor a couple of month and police after he was still being abusive and making silly threats by email.
He's blocked on every method of communication apart from a designated email account.
Solicitor is a bit useless, still hasn't let me know if i qualify for legal aid, women's aid gave me a list to ring and they were the first I rang.
Anyway I'm going to ring them again tomorrow.
Police have agreed what he is doing is threatening.
But they advised me to see a solicitor
So I want a court order, o don't want to restrict access, but I want dates set in place as arranging Xmas has turned nasty.
I grey rock him, this engrages him
I don't want to ever speak or deal with him again.
If I don't qualify for legal aid, how do I do this

Can I obtain a court order myself, how easy is it how much etc.
I am mentally and physically drained by this now.
Grey rock has backfired on me, it made him angrier, i havent retaliated but he just continues, demanding i am politer to him, ive offered more than 50/50 access over xmas and being told i am selfish.
He goads me that he can pay CMS late, and I still don't respond. It's hard but it's all documented that it's one-sided.
there really is no other means of communication.
Please help

If you are going to use a solicitor, it needs to be someone you are confident in. You can do it without a solicitor.

If there is evidence of abuse you can bypass mediation.

You download a form and pay a fee of £215 and you should get a first hearing 6 weeks or so after submitting the form. Look at Rights of Women and various other websites for help.

I might be wrong but I thought you could get LA if there was abuse?

I cant comment on the legal aspect, as I never went that route. I did persevere with the grey rock though. Police suggested a restraining order if he didn't back off, but he would have totally lost it at that.
I had a year of awful, but stood my ground (and cried and raged and shit myself behind the scenes) but he did leave me alone a bit once he knew I would not respond at all. Now he has little contact at all as he lost interest once he lost power over me. When he wants contact, maybe once every 3 months, i get hundreds of abusive emails but I just resend the same email repeatedly and once he has seen her, he leaves me alone until the next time. I feel your pain, its scary and vile.

I guess there is a fact in here you are responding . I would be dubious of increasing anything .

The problem you have is by increasing access you are saying this is ok.

If there is no court order he cannot demand anything.

Thank you,
I am in receipt of benefits no assets, and there is a documented history of domestic abuse recorded, I think I will qualify for some legal aid.
I am not prepared to mediate with him.
He scared the shit out of me, I think that in the 2.5 years the fact I have never stopped access and proposed more for him shows that I am more than fair
The current casual agreement we have is EOW, Fri Sat sun night, every 1st Monday of the month night stay and tea one night of the week.
I've never been awkward about birthdays fathers day and the like.

Grey rock has enraged him and stepped up his insults. He is furious that I won't say please or thank you. I am clear, direct and concise.
I won't respond to his insults and it makes him angry.
He made a obviously sarcastic merry Xmas to me and my partner and because I didn't wish him merry Xmas back I'm rude??

I want no contact with him. A court order would allow me not to have to

Would it be likely that he would be awarded more contact or is what I have in place pretty fair

It makes him angry because he cannot control you, so he is desperately trying to bully and intimidate you into doing what he wants. Keep breathing and ignore, what you have offered (50/50) over Christmas is clearly totally fair. Just keep ignoring and try not to tell him to go fuck himself!

No,no. You are desperately trying g to show you are 'being fair'. The trouble is you are trying to be fair to an abuser, its abhorrent.

You need to put your DC front and centre of all your decisions and ignore everything else.

There is a campaign of saving DC harmed through contact. He is not a good father simply because he is abusive.

I am totally in your side. Your only concern is to keep you and them safe.

If you, hand on heart, can say he's never used them to control you, hurt them, sworn at them, threatened them, lost his temper with them, then let him have his contact, but don't do it to serve some stupid idiom of others, legally, or ss or whomever.

If you don't want him to have access because he is a risk then withdraw access and he will have to go to court for safe contact. You have evidence of his nature, of his abuse, of his threats to your safety, have you told ss this?

Speak to Paladin, and keep talking to WA.

If you need legal advice free speak to Rights of Women. Look them up I think evenings up to 9 unless you are in London when there's a different advice line number and times.

Keep strong its horrific yto hear you are going through this. Look at the campaign for children too there may be vital contacts you can make from it. Also Mackenzie friend, and yes LA is supposed to support survivors of DA,but they often don't also!

The issue with the way the police and solicitor have seen the abusive messages is that he doesn't just send it out of the blue, if we get in contact to discuss something with kids it's the way he responds, so they have said it's not standard run of the mill abuse, it only arises when we are in contact about kids.
A court order would stop this.
He's very manipulative to kids, in particular DS13, he puts this spin on it that I'm stopping them seeing him and that I talk to him like shit.
I dont insult him, I just refuse to engage or say please or thank you when he is occasionally polite or just reasonable.
He says I should say thank you because he helps me out, this was in relation to him paying CMS on time.
Honestly he is unbelievable

Just to warn you that a court order is unlikely to be detailed enough that you have no contact but it should make things easier. Do try and make it as detailed as possible and ensure there aren't loopholes, but, for instance, if it says he gets a week at Christmas and two weeks in the summer holidays, you would still need to agree which dates iyswim. Something to bear in mind.

Shriek,
No I can't say that
He screen shots conversations between us, or edits emails and send to my son.
SS are aware, he made lots of malicious reports to SS when we split, they were all shut down
SS saw through it all.
But if I stop access this will play into his hands, he already seems to be brain washing my son. And as I'm aware both my DC are of an age where they can decide,
He plays the Disney dad game very well.
I'm scared. I'm not going to be painted as the mum who stops access,
I think it would cause them more harm.
I think if he is told to stop and he is wrong by someone in authority he would if that makes sense
He is a coward.

Thank you everyone.
I am realistic about Xmas summer etc, we would still need to have some contact, but if he knows that he is being monitored about how he speaks to me, I'm confident it would stop.

Contact orders can be extremely specific. It doesn't matter what he paints you as.

The only thing that matters is the sanity and safety of you and your DC. This battle is about getting an extremely thick skin and who cares what others say, you have to know your DC are the only priority. Nothing else matters and clearly ss know his abuses already. You have evidencd

National centre for domestic violence can help with this, get in touch with them www.ncdv.org.uk I was given their details by police when starting harassment proceedings against STBXH

Thank you everyone.
He has made me doubt my sanity, my parenting, my health, everything

Have you applied for legal aid? It takes ages to come through if you have so it may just be a waiting game

Definitely go through court.

He uses your kids to try and control and manipulate you. He won't agree that any contact you offer him is enough and whatever you give him will never be enough. He is not interested in nurturing a positive bond with the kids; he is gaslighting and manipulating, lying and being inappropriate.

It is extremely damaging to the kids. I managed to cut contact with the ex and the positive change in my DC is just immense but it's taken time for them to come out of their shell, to trust others, and the effects will never completely go. I was left with PTSD and in kids they call it Attachment Disorder. When DC is no longer a child, if they haven't managed to repair themselves with all my family's love and support and that from her schools, DC will end up with a diagnosis of personality disorder like myself. Abuse has such long lasting effects. It literally changes the shape of your brain, over a length of time. Such a shame and I'll never forgive the ex for it.

You are doing brilliantly.

What is grey rock?

It's good that you're talking about this. Don't ever suffer in silence, it's an awful thing to go through.

Thank you.
I'm trying so hard,
I don't know how to do links, but Google grey rock, in theory it's good but it's infuriated him.
I have spoken to both school safe guarding officers, they regularly check in with kids and keep an eye on them.
This infuriated him too.
He pays legal minimum CMS, won't pay another penny, he added his partners kids to his claim to reduce money paid to me.
He threatened it and then goaded me.
This is because I asked for a contribution to an extra curricular activity for my DD, and didn't say please nicely enough.
I have a long term illness disability, and recently had to go through a PIP assessment. I didn't know if i could even afford Xmas this year.

I'm waiting in a list for CBT.
Everything just keeps been thrown at me.
And he is just carrying on this nastiness.

Do not engage with him. The whole grey rock thing is your best way forward.

Of course it infuriates him- he can’t pick on you or exploit any vulnerabilities. This is why you have to keep it up. If you stop doing this, he wins. As for not saying Thankyou for paying maintenance? Fuck off mate. That’s an obligation not a benevolent gesture. I put my bins out on time and pay for them- the Binmen don’t knock on my door to thank me.

Anything he has doctored can be proved in court. I’m not au fait with the uk legal system, however I have a dick of an exquisite tried (and keeps trying) this crap.

Have faith in yourself. I’d personally contact ss myself and point out what’s happening. He’s being passive but still abusive.

Ex... not exquisite.

Although he is an exquisite example. 😂

This is grim, so sorry for what you’re going through. You sound like an amazing mum though and I am sure your children never really doubt that despite your ex’s antics and Disney Dad act.

Do you manage to only check your designated email account at certain specified times? That can help you feel more in control too.

You could move solicitor if you feel yours doesn’t get it or is disappointing. Also, definitely worth persevering with trying to call Rights of Women. Their lines are busy but hopefully you’ll get through eventually.

I think a Child Arrangements Order could definitely help. Just make sure it’s very detailed and nothing is left up to interpretation (eg who drops off children, what time they are due back) or he’ll use any grey areas as a way to continue abusing you.

Also, could you look into any courses in your area for people who have been through domestic abuse? Something like “Freedom Programme” or, better, the “Recovery Toolkit”. Not because you need it, but because it’s a way to meet other supportive people with similar experiences, and potentially to tap into further support too. Eg there might be a domestic abuse organisation in your town that could provide one on one support and even send someone to go along to court with you.

For Legal Aid, you need to get you GP or police to write a letter (based exactly on a template letter) which you then take to solicitor along with bank statements and payslips to show ingoings/outgoings and any benefits.

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

Whoever writes the letter must stick to the template wording or the Legal Aid Agency may not accept it

Yeah, with the legal aid thing, I provided all the info to the solicitor, bank statements, proof of benefits etc.
I have had a family support worker visit me from the school, she has left and they're recruiting in new year that was a source of help.
He's always going to have an element of control, he has unpredictable work hours, so a set collection time can never be pinned down.
He knows this
I sometimes think it's all in my head so thank you everyone who has responded.
Lots of helpful pointers and things to consider