What would you have said? Man on bus asking me to give him my seat because 'I'm less disabled than him'.

[ALongHardWinter]

I was on a packed bus yesterday afternoon. A kind lady offered me the priority seat she was sitting in,which I gratefully accepted. Just for the record I have osteo and rheumatoid arthritis in my knees,hips,elbows,wrists,feet,shoulders and fingers. I also have severe tendonitis in my right shoulder,combined with RSI. Plus I also have fibromyalgia (although I appreciate that is not a 'visible' illness,nor would expect a seat on the bus if it was the only condition that I had wrong with me). I use a walking stick,and as long as I get a seat on the bus,all is well. I find it very difficult to stand,not so much because I can't stand,but because I struggle to keep my balance on a moving vehicle. Even holding on with both hands is a struggle because I have very poor grip in my fingers,I cannot hold on very firmly. Also,I end up getting my shoulder wrenched.
Anyway,bloke on crutches gets on at stop after me. He looks around and sees no vacant seats and his gaze alights upon me. 'Scuse me,can I sit there?' he says. 'Mm,no,I'm actually disabled'. I would point out that my walking stick was clearly visible to him (I was holding it in front of me). He glared at me and said 'You've only got ONE walking stick,I'm using 2 crutches!' Before I could come up with a suitable response,one of the men sitting in one of the priority seats behind me jumped up and offered him his seat. He accepted it,sat down,then proceeded to mutter under his breath for the rest of the journey. OK,I can't say for certain that he was ranting about ME,just that I heard the words 'fucking bitch' and 'cow' a few times.
I thought,honestly,it's coming to something when I'm having to play 'My disability trumps yours' on the bus! What would you have said in this situation?

I think the words "Fuck off with your disability topping!" would have covered it for me. But then, I'm known for my way with words.

“Fuck off”? He got a seat so I can’t see what his problem was.

I’m so sorry you experienced this. This should never happen. Don’t waste your mental energy on him. You were in no way obligated to give him the seat x

I see I have the same way with words that Vicky does

No idea why he was asking you when there was presumably a whole bus of people without any walking sticks. Someine else should have offered him a seat in the first place. Very odd.

He shouldn’t have even asked you! He can see you need it!

I’m glad an able-bodied person moved for him. That’s what should have happened.

Another member of the eloquent speakers club here. I would have told him to fuck off too.

I see I have the same way with words that Vicky does

Separated at birth, eh?

You don't need to be rude. If this happens again, just say "i am sure one of the able-bodied people on the bus will get up for you" and look away and ignore thereafter.

It's always a man having a go at a woman though isn't it?

Aren't crutches for a temporary disability anyway? So he wasn't disabled in the sense he'd get a blue badge. Not demeaning a temporary problem but by definition it goes away.

He got a seat! Jeeze. What a horrible experience for you.

I feel for anyone with less visible illnesses.

I have a friend who is 25. She's lovely, looks 'normal'. Sadly she's got terminal cancer (stage 4) and she had most of her bowel removed and now has a stoma bag.

She legitimately needs to use the disabled toilet to empty it and sort herself out.

The amount of evil-eye looks, tut's and comments she gets behind her back AND to her face (I've witnessed it) is heart-breaking.

One guy in a wheelchair (with broken leg, it looked like) had such a go at her as she came out of a disabled loo she cried and said 'sorry I have cancer and a stoma'. He said 'SO?! You can still use the normal loos if you're not in a wheelchair.'

Satsumaeater - that is not always the case. I know lots of people with disabilities that use them as they need more support than one stick.

I’m sorry this happened to you OP but I am shocked by your post. You said you wouldn’t expect a seat if you only had fibromyalgia simply being it’s not visible? So you’ve basically just said your disability trumps mine! I have fibromyalgia and I can assure you I do need to sit down on a bus! What an ignorant comment especially from someone who’s supposedly in the know. Also to the poster who said crutches are for temporary conditions sorry but I have an NHS pair in my car for almost daily use as per physiotherapist’s instructions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's always a man having a go at a woman though isn't it?

No I've seem women do it too.

Aren't crutches for a temporary disability anyway?

Errr no. my friend has been on crutches for most of her life.

So he wasn't disabled in the sense he'd get a blue badge. Not demeaning a temporary problem but by definition it goes away.

Don't be so ridiculous. You have absolutely no idea if it would or not, ublrss you know his medical history.

Funny how he had a go at you instead of others in priority seats isn’t he?
Yanbu

Nasty entitled man, I would have told him to sod off.

Aren't crutches for a temporary disability anyway? So he wasn't disabled in the sense he'd get a blue badge. Not demeaning a temporary problem but by definition it goes away

Yay, my terminal muscle wasting disease is only temporary then?
I'll return my blue badge also as obviously I'm not really entitled to it as I'm not properly disabled.

InvisibleAye I'm sorry if you thought that I was saying my disability trumps your fibromyalgia. I certainly wasn't saying that. I meant that if all I was suffering from was fibromyalgia,I more than likely wouldn't feel the need for a seat on the bus because of it. It affects me in quite a few ways,but my ability to stand on a moving bus is not one of them.

Thanks for replying. I’m surprised that is the case for you as it certainly isn’t for many! I’m sincerely glad it doesn’t affect you as badly. I could discuss it further but I think we both agree that no disability trumps another! 👍🏻 Shame on him for his actions in all honesty!

Ugh, a twat (him not you). OP, when I was pregnant, I used to always sit in the priority seat on my commute into work (northern line, London). Without fail, a few stations along, another pregnant lady would get on and motion for me to give her the seat. I’d usually ignore her and/or someone else would give yo their seat. Except one time they didn’t and she stood in front of me.
Her: I need to sit there. I’m pregnant.
Me: I’m also pregnant?
Her: yes but I’m more pregnant than you. You can stand.

Cow.

My mum has very bad health but it’s not clearly visible. I remember waiting at a taxi rank with her when I was a kid. She was in agony and needed to get home quickly. When a taxi pulled up an elderly lady tried to jump in front of us and get in the taxi. When my mum insisted she needed it and we had been there first the old cow started having a total go about how people should care more about the elderly etc, etc. I think there’s a lot of people around with a chip on their shoulder looking for any excuse to shout and talked down to another person. They can’t think past their own immediate personal needs and wants. Men like the one you encountered OP will have a history of disrespecting others. X

To be fair to him though, on 2 crutches he doesn't have a hand free to grab something when the bus goes round a corner too fast or brakes suddenly. Someone with one stick does. He has no idea that you can't hold on securely, all he knows is that on crutches he's going to be seriously unsteady standing up on a bus. Yes he shouldn't have been rude but he was probably thinking 'how the am I going to manage this journey?!' and reacted accordingly. You don't know what his circumstances are any more than he knows yours. He could be in a lot of pain, have struggled to even get to the bus, who knows. Or he may just be angry and rude generally. Be grateful that you had a seat and that there was someone ready to let him have one too.

Rangerider - then he should have asked any number of other people on the bus who looked like they needed a seat less than the OP.

Why did he go for the woman with a stick, ignoring the more supposedly obvious people who would be able to stand?

He saw she had a stick, could see others did not, yet still asked the OP to move. I would bet it was not the first time he has done this.

There is this weird viewpoint that you constantly have to empathise with everybody and anticipate their feelings and thoughts.

I am unfortunately severely crippled by my FMS/M.E.
I have a blue badge.
I have crutches and sticks but the use of both whether singularly or as a pair actually harms my shoulders, lower back and wrists and fingers.
I know this isn't what the original post was about, and I know this is just words on the internet, but I am very upset with what you said, on a personal level, and it feels like disability trumps, the way you worded it.
My view on any disability is we have to stick together. So having seen your response to someone else, I'm not going to hold it over you and I'm glad you explained. It's just when we've got all these CFs and a-holes out there speaking to us and treating us the way this guy treated you, we don't also need to belittle each other. I understand you didn't do it with malice, it was just worded badly and we didn't know you meant yours doesn't affect you at that level (I'm so glad it doesn't, I lose it on a regular basis over how few things I am capable of doing, I have no life). But I needed to write down how I felt reading that, as otherwise I'll lose sleep over it.

I've gotten better at telling people I have conditions and I can't do something. But actually it's blooming hard isn't it. I still often get pushed into things and get hurt and can't get up or walk or even open a door after, then spend the next few days crying about it. But if it's a total stranger it's easier because I'm less likely to see them again. In your situation I think I would have turned to the rest of the bus and made eye contact with as many others as possible -theyre all listening even if they pretend they're not. Eye contact is hard for me, but I've had to practise looking into people's faces over the years because I partially lip read. Confusing haha.

I also have a badge... Hang on and I'll link you:

This isn't the one, but IM DISABLED PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR SEAT Button Badge 38mm Pin Back Lapel www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07BYXLB9Z/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_LWQgCbGNGVZSX?tag=mumsnetforum-21

And the one I have is at: stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.mobile/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/BA001&Locale=en_GB

I also have a selection of the stickmancommunications cards for my variety of problems. Things for my autism, my adhd, my Endometriosis, my fibro my m.e, my anxiety and my hearing impairment. They are really worth ordering because anyone can lose the words they need in moments like this. I keep mine in a lanyard. I don't always taken them out with me but if the fog is particularly strong, I will stumble and slur over my words so they're worth it.

I hope you bounce back from this incident aoo. Eejits like that are just self entitled CFs

When I lived in London I had the please offer me a seat badge and the baby on board badge.

Sometimes other people would try and make me move still.