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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend for support and being told no.

59 replies

LucieMorningstar · 19/12/2018 13:59

Just that really. I asked a friend to come to a meeting today with regard to my child’s special needs. Friend said last week to let them know date/time etc and they’d come. Asked if they would still come and was told no, they don’t want to get involved.

There is a backstory (as with everything!) and in brief I have bent over backwards for this friends family on numerous occasions, been extremely generous, got myself roped in to taking one of their kids to school on a regular basis and even let her shout at me in front of her teenaged kids when there was a misunderstanding. Today has just broken everything and I don’t know what to do. I want to walk away, call it quits as whatever I thought of our friendship the same isn’t reciprocated. I don’t even want to mention it again ever to the friend as obviously it’s pointless.

I don’t even know what my aibu is, I just need to vent I suppose.

Should I walk away or should I try and discuss it even though the friend is the sort of person who’d walk away from a conversation they didn’t want to have? I feel really hurt.

OP posts:
Scifi101 · 19/12/2018 14:06

Of course you feel hurt!

Not to let you know they were not coming as they said they would was really really poor of them.

Having a child with Sen can be really lonely and tough.

CardsforKittens · 19/12/2018 14:11

Should I walk away or should I try and discuss it even though the friend is the sort of person who’d walk away from a conversation they didn’t want to have?

This person is not your friend. Not only have they gone back on something they agreed, they are unwilling to discuss things.

Of course you feel hurt. But in the circumstances it's probably best to let it go and move on.

Hope things go well at the meeting for your child.

Original poster
LucieMorningstar · 19/12/2018 14:13

It’s ridiculously lonely and tough and this person knows it’s been really hard for me lately. I really don’t know what to do. Lately it seems that whenever I’ve asked for any sort of help or support from them as a friend I’ve been given a sharp NO but if they need to vent or cry (as they’ve got some stuff going on too), I’m no1 on their call list.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 19/12/2018 14:15

This person is not your friend whatsoever.

Original poster
LucieMorningstar · 19/12/2018 14:16

@CardsforKittens

This person is not your friend

Yes this has just been punched right in my face.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucieMorningstar · 19/12/2018 14:16

X post @greendale17

OP posts:
Janus · 19/12/2018 14:19

I’ve been there and no, she’s not your friend. I broke all contact after being heavily let down by a ‘friend’ that I would have done anything for but then felt awful that we were at the same school and not talking so asked her to meet up. She then went on and on about how much I’d hurt her by not being able to speak to her, not once apologised for what she did. Confirmed to me that I was right in the first place and haven’t spoken to her since and it’s a relief.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/12/2018 14:20

They sound very selfish at best. I don't think there is much point talking to them about it as any normal person would already know that letting you down like this is very hurtful

Lydiaatthebarre · 19/12/2018 14:20

She sounds like somebody who is all take and no give.

I think it's a friendship you need to walk away from.

I'm really sorry she's made you feel like this.

Allthewaves · 19/12/2018 14:21

Is this a meeting with the school? Is your friends children at the same school if it is?

Original poster
LucieMorningstar · 19/12/2018 14:24

@Janus

Yes it would awkward as we too have children at the same schools like you abd your friend, so our paths will cross very regularly.

@AmIRightOrAMeringue

Don’t think I will bother mentioning it again as I know what will happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucieMorningstar · 19/12/2018 14:26

@Allthewaves

Yes school meeting but no her kids don’t go to this one.

OP posts:
DeepanKrispanEven · 19/12/2018 14:31

if they need to vent or cry (as they’ve got some stuff going on too), I’m no1 on their call list.

Next time she calls for this reason, say "You know how the other day you backed out of coming with me for that meeting because you don't want to get involved? Well, I don't want to get involved with your problem. Bye!"

billybagpuss · 19/12/2018 14:34

I think you know the answer as to your friend.

But more importantly for you right now, how did the meeting go? Hope you're ok and whatever it was it was productive for you and your DC.

Original poster
LucieMorningstar · 19/12/2018 14:34

@DeepanKrispanEven

That’s exactly what my husband says to do, I just need to stop being so available and have the strength to actually say no.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucieMorningstar · 19/12/2018 14:37

@billybagpuss

It went ok. I wanted her to come as I just wanted some support. Normally there’s about 8/9 people there and I didn’t want to go on my own. I find it very stressful. I wouldn’t have expected anything off her just her being there so I didn’t feel so alone and ganged up on.

OP posts:
Spudlet · 19/12/2018 14:44

Ghost her. Stop replying to stuff. If she asks why, just say you're soooo busy with your dc and all the meetings you need to attend. Sorry. Let's catch up soon when hell freezes over

I'm so sorry your friend let you down. But on the plus side, you now know where you stand and can drop her without feeling guilty. I'm glad the meeting was ok.

Charbovari · 19/12/2018 14:48

That’s exactly what my husband says to do, I just need to stop being so available and have the strength to actually say no.

He's right, you know. By being too helpful and available, you risk devaluing your own contribution to the relationship because she takes it for granted and it makes you an 'invisible' shoulder to cry on.

It's not a nice thing to find out, though. Glad the meeting went ok.

BrendasUmbrella · 19/12/2018 14:52

You should have cut her off after she shouted at you.

jessstan2 · 19/12/2018 15:01

Flowers to you.

People often agree to things without thinking about the implications, later they realise, or their spouses realise, it's not so easy.

You'll find real friends, hope all goes well. x

OneStepMoreFun · 19/12/2018 15:10

They'r enot your friend. They've used you. It's very very hurtful when you realise this but now you know, move on. Look for, or start up an SEN parent support group in your area. You'll meet much nicer people there who will understand what you are going through and offer genuine friendship and support.

caringcarer · 19/12/2018 15:24

She is not your friend. Friends look after each others back, and she has stabbed you in the back when you were feeling vulnerable about dealing with SEN child and school and I now first hand how difficult that can be. Be strong and I hope you have nicer friends.

Ohyesiam · 19/12/2018 15:27

Well she will certainly feel the loss of you when you’re gone.
I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like thisFlowers. Withdraw, save your energy for yourself, and for finding people who want a two way friendship( or double arrow buddies as much OH calls them).

cowfacemonkey · 19/12/2018 15:28

She's a crap friend, but out of curiosity why doesn't your husband attend these meetings?

Twinningsloverbutnotanymore · 19/12/2018 15:33

I had a friend like this - I quickly learnt the hard way too. Sometimes if you have a good nature people will take advantage of it. They can say no easily because they know you will always be there for them. My buck stopped when money started to be asked for and I knew that was never going to be paid back or if I was in a pickle that I wouldn't get the same treatment. It's an abusive relationship really, you are just seen as a crutch for them and you never get the returned favour. No, try to pick yourself up and maybe try new adventures to meet new friends. This person should not be given the time of day to treat you that way

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