Asking friend for support and being told no.

[LucieMorningstar]

Just that really. I asked a friend to come to a meeting today with regard to my child’s special needs. Friend said last week to let them know date/time etc and they’d come. Asked if they would still come and was told no, they don’t want to get involved.

There is a backstory (as with everything!) and in brief I have bent over backwards for this friends family on numerous occasions, been extremely generous, got myself roped in to taking one of their kids to school on a regular basis and even let her shout at me in front of her teenaged kids when there was a misunderstanding. Today has just broken everything and I don’t know what to do. I want to walk away, call it quits as whatever I thought of our friendship the same isn’t reciprocated. I don’t even want to mention it again ever to the friend as obviously it’s pointless.

I don’t even know what my aibu is, I just need to vent I suppose.

Should I walk away or should I try and discuss it even though the friend is the sort of person who’d walk away from a conversation they didn’t want to have? I feel really hurt.

Thankyou for all the replies. They’re really enlightening and make you realise things need to change. I’ve been telling myself this for a long time but ignored myself.

To answer @cowfacemonkey, my husband couldn’t go as he is neck deep in a project for work which has had to take priority. Luckily I’m at home in the day to attend.

Hi OP, I’m assuming this is a TAC meeting for your child. I totally sympathise, I’ve attended many for my own child and I’ve supported many families in these meetings through work. They are hugely draining and having sit and listen to 8/9 professionals talking about what your child can’t do when you are the lone voice of your child can be devastating. I used to be physically ill before and after these meetings, so make sure you give yourself a few days head space to digest the information and recover.
On a practical note you can contact your local SENDIASS and see if they can support you in meetings. They will be able to support in terms of education law and even if they can’t attend will be able to give you useful advice on what you should be asking for and what the process means. You should also goggle local parent support groups in your child’s need, this helps with isolation and gives you a safe place to vent and recieve understanding without explanation.

You need to drop your “friend” as it is not healthy for you to be dealing with all of the stress of the SEN issues and then trying to second guess someone else’s motivations or the value they place on your friendship. Move away from this person at your own pace because the hurt you feel will only hurt you in the end.
I remember in one year I attended 22 meetings, my dh was working and I’d stayed at home to support my child, most of the meetings fell to me as no business can sustain an employee leaving for that many meetings. It was extremely hard to manage it all whilst trying to understand my child’s needs, education law, medical jargon and all the other stuff you are thrown into. Be mindful of this and look after your own mental health first and foremost, anyone who has a negative impact on you doesn’t need to be there.

Also get on the Mumsnet SN boards - fantastic people on there and they really helped me in the early days

Sorry you found out that the 'friend' was no friend at all, but a total user. I would be done with her!

I think you know the answer.

She sounds like someone who expects you to be there for her, without being there for you. That's awful. She's shown her true colours.

As you cross paths with her regularly, I wouldn't discuss it with her. However, I would stop answering her phone calls. I'd take a good few days to reply to any messages from her. Gently ease her out of your life, focus on other more positive friendships.

You have every right to be as reliable as she is. i.e.... not very.

But do it with a smile, so she doesn't have anything to throw a tantrum about.

I agree with Tinker just gradually distance yourself from her, be busy and unavailable.

Thanks everyone, I’m going to have to re-read these comments regularly to remind myself to be strong when I next hear from her. You’ve all been really helpful.

Keep reminding yourself how you were there for her n her time of need, but she was not with you! Tells you all you need to know!

The stupid thing Aeroflotgirl is that she said last week she said she was “happy to listen” when I apologised for venting off at her. I should have decoded that to “happy to listen when it’s convenient for me (her)”.

Ugh.

Exactly, I came across a FAcebook meme about different friends being like knickers. She is the flimsy one that will snap at the slightest of stress not the big ones that have your back.

That’s a good analogy.

If it is helpful OP, as I had to do these meetings on my own - I had it noted in the minutes that the situation was highly emotive and stressful and that wasn't indicative of how i present to DC.

On the friend front, there's no need for anything. She'll be back in touch when she needs your.support I'm sure, but you just need to concentrate on you and your family.

@TheWeatherisFrightful

Thank you, I’m going to tell my husband to raise a similar thing (note in minutes) at the next meeting.

Friend messaged last night saying hope the meeting went well. I haven’t replied. I want to put something along the lines of perhaps you shouldn’t concern yourself with this now, but not sure if that’s PA and if she’ll just reply along the lines of suit yourself.

Don't reply star she is just trying to ease her own conscience. If you confront her she will tell everyone she text you to see how it went so that shows she ' cares '

Just ignore the text and start to distance yourself. If she speaks to you in the playground, simple answers but don’t engage. When she wants help or to chat, you’re too busy, she’ll soon get the message. If not then something along the lines of what your dh has suggested should leave her with no doubt about the friendship

Ignoring the text. Don’t want to talk to her at the minute. Will have to see her later though.

Tell her the meeting was just as difficult as you’d anticipated since you were alone but you appreciate she doesn’t want to be involved. Then turn your back and talk to someone nicer.

I hope you can find someone to go with you in future.

I like Matilda the cats answer. It doesn’t let her pretend things are ok.

Dont reply to her text. Its just not worth it. Anything PA will just make you feel shit. Ignore her, that will annoy her far more.

She knows she let you down. Dont react.

Tell her the meeting was just as difficult as you’d anticipated since you were alone but you appreciate she doesn’t want to be involved. Then turn your back and talk to someone nicer.

Exactly this.

Thanks everyone 🙂

I’d just reply with her own words.

-How did it go?
-You told me you didn’t want to be involved, so what’s the point of asking? How did it go after I backed out at last minute and left you to it?

@purpleelk

Thanks for that suggestion. It occurred to me earlier that when she goes back to work in January she’s going to come straight to me asking me to take her kid to school in the mornings again. I’m ready to say no.

Be professional and polite with her, and no to taking her kid to school in the mornings, she is a user, who was not there in your time of need. No it doesen't suit me, sorry.

Or, indeed, ‘No, I don’t want to get involved.’