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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to think its ok to change this much

29 replies

isitreallymyfault · 19/12/2018 13:09

I have been married for 30 years and I love my DH very much, but I think I am irritating him. I have changed a lot in the last 5 years, I was feisty, fun loving and a bit of a drinker all things we loved to do together, we had fun. Now I am a Vegan, I don't drink, I love my home and my dog and we are due our first GC in the spring and that is all I seem to be interested in. If we are going out with friends he says things like, "oh I hope they don't want to eat out as it gets all F@£$%^&g awkward" I think he means with me being Vegan. I don't make a fuss I am happy with salad and chips off ANY menu, it's everyone else who makes a big fuss about it. Then there is drinking, he annoys me when he is drunk but he never used to as I was drunk too. I don't want to grow apart but these are two things I won't compromise on, I do compromise on going out with a group of friends which I hate but always manage to look like I don't (I think) so because I look like I enjoy it he seems to arrange more nights out!!! I have asked him to do things I like doing but he won't as they are pretty boring. I married him as a bit of a selfish twat and have not had an issue with it for 30 years so he is struggling to change, he is trying but he said I am so different and I think I full on annoy him to be honest. Am I the only middle aged woman to get old before my DP and probably before my time?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2018 13:25

Everybody changes over the course of their relationship its only natural andpart of becoming parents, then the kids leaving getting older and so on. However it can cause problems if one partner changes drastically and expects the other to do the same. You have made a decision not to drink anymore but whilst I think getting drunk all the time us a daft thing to do if this is what you both always used to do yabu to expect your partner to stop as well. You could ask him to cut down a bit but you cant make him. And if you bith refuse to compromise then you may need to rethink the relationship

Original poster
isitreallymyfault · 19/12/2018 13:31

To be fair to him, he has cut down a lot and doesn't get very drunk at all nowadays, he still annoys me though even after 4 pints!! I think we need to have a bit of a talk about what compromises we are going to make as it is really obvious we are different.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2018 13:33

So it sounds like he has compromised but you havent. Obviously you have to be able to meet each other somewhere in the middle in this.

INeedanInterestingUsername · 19/12/2018 13:37

It doesn't sound like you got 'old' it sounds like your DH never grew up.

I understand the eating situation. I am a vegetarian. I'm quite happy to order salad, bread, whatever off any menu. It's other people (mostly Dh's family) who get silly about it and make unnecessary fuss. 'Oh, is the table salt vegan? Can you have that? Let's ask the waitress.' Hmm

You shouldn't be the one making all the compromises. If you don't like going out with certain people have you told your DH this and why? Does he do anything that you like to do? He shouldn't be making negative comments or sarcastic remarks about your life choices. ('Oh I hope they don't want to eat')
Do you think your DH has a drinking problem? Have you discussed this with him? You can't stop him from drinking, but I too wouldn't want to deal with a drunk DH on a regular basis.
Is there anything that you two might like to do together? Tbh, you can try as hard as you like, but if he's not going to put the effort in as well, it will never work.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 13:41

Ok, so he has compromised, he drinks a lot less now but he still annoys you. So it's less just you annoy him, he annoys you too.

I'd agree with the poster, you both need to make comprimises. And he needs to accept you have changed and you need to accept he has not and should not be expected to

Going vegan and tea total is fuck all to do with getting old. It's a lifestyle choice and not about age.

Original poster
isitreallymyfault · 19/12/2018 13:46

I don't think he has a drink problem, no. He cannot seem to enjoy a night out that doesn't involve a massive group of friends and a pub to be honest. He has halved the number of pints he drinks and only drinks two or three times a week, so no he is not an alcoholic, but I hate drunk people and that seems to be the basis of our nights out. I am going to sit him down over the holiday and have a talk I think, we have been together for years and got through a lot worse than this. I just wanted someone to say that I am right and he needs to do more things that I want to do even though he finds them boring. He will do it I know he will, but then I will be moaning that he needs to tell his face he is having a good time, as he seems to go out his way to look miserable so I don't ask him again. As I said I married him like that and its only recently that I have started to question his personality and that must be a bit of a shock for him I suppose.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 13:49

But on the flip side how you've changed must be a shock for him.

My partner and I socialise with a close knit group of friends, we have for years, if he suddenly went tea total and vegan, decided he didn't like being round our friends because they drunk and wanted me to start doing shit I wasn't bang up for I would find it difficult.

What will you do? Distance yourself from your social group and ask him to go alone?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2018 13:50

What you need to do is find things you both like. You cant make him like what you like and you don't have to like what he likes. Then you can do something together and other things separately.

Original poster
isitreallymyfault · 19/12/2018 13:55

Bluntness100 I don't make him go alone, I go with him and act like I am having a good time.. He will do stuff I suggest but it starts off with the pre cursor, "if I have to" then I get all shirty and say no you don't have to so we never do it. I will have a good go at getting something we both like to do, but to be honest I don't hold out much hope for that.
We are growing into different people and this isn't going to be a quick fix.Sad

OP posts:
Poloshot · 19/12/2018 13:55

He probably wants an easy life and can't enjoy himself when you've changed so much and aren't who you used to be.

AdamNichol · 19/12/2018 13:56

You've grown apart.
You don't want to do the things he wants. He doesn't want to do the things you want.
DW and I have very different tastes in things - which makes selecting TV to watch together, etc, a bit limiting.
But we accept that each of us can do our own thing without dragging the other along - even if they pretend to be having an ok time, you know they ain't.
So, why not do things you want to do with a different set of people, and likewise for him, but make sure you do some stuff together too?

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 13:58

Sorry op, I didn't ask what you do , I asked what you will do. You can't continue going out with friends pretending to have a good time when you've developed issues with seeing people drinking. They will spot it and it will be deeply uncomfortable for them. And him.

If you've developed such issues it's probably better you explain you have these issues and not go, let him go and have fun alone

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2018 14:00

Tbh it sounds like he is trying to compromise more than you. He may not want to do it but at least he is willing to give it a go for you even though he isnt happy about it. You shouldnt then be getting shirty with him.

Original poster
isitreallymyfault · 19/12/2018 14:02

Sorry Bluntness100 i mis understood your comment, yes, maybe that will be the answer, I will stop trying to kid him and myself that I enjoy going out with those people. Or I maybe should address why I have such an issue with people getting drunk and annoying me!! As I was probably THE most annoying drunk in the group at one timeGrin

OP posts:
Ethel36 · 19/12/2018 14:07

I feel like I could have written your post! I have been with mine for 18 years and I have changed alot. Think that's to be expected though. I don't drink all year round except for a few Baileys over Christmas. I used to be fun and bubbly and up for going out drinking but since the children I much prefer long walks and curling up at home! I honestly dont understand why some people need to get drunk to enjoy themselves?! Now he goes out once every other month drinking with friends but we never actually do anything together! I'd love to go bowling, rock climbing or something different with him..But he doesn't want to! Genuinely believe most people do change over time and is unusual not to.

Tinty · 19/12/2018 14:07

I just wanted someone to say that I am right and he needs to do more things that I want to do even though he finds them boring. He will do it I know he will, but then I will be moaning that he needs to tell his face he is having a good time, as he seems to go out his way to look miserable so I don't ask him again. But why would he need to tell his face he is having a good time, if what you want to do is boring to him?

I don't make him go alone, I go with him and act like I am having a good time. I wonder what this looks like though, if you are only going through the motions and actually he really annoys you after 4 pints when you used to regularly get drunk together?

He is who he is, and he is who he was, when you married him. Now you have changed from being fun loving and enjoying drinking with him and your friends. Now you would rather be vegan, not drink and just do things he finds boring. As PP have said it sounds like you have grown apart.

Oh and there is nothing wrong with being Vegan and not drinking. I am not Vegan but I have never been a drinker, but I imagine if my partner suddenly wanted to not do the things we had always enjoyed together I would be a bit surprised.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 14:10

I honestly dont understand why some people need to get drunk to enjoy themselves

Here we go. The judgement. Most people don't have to get drunk to enjoy themselves, but they can have a few drinks and enjoy them as part of socialising, as you well know.

It's fine to stop drinking but yank your judgey pants wedgey out before you garrot your arse.

Original poster
isitreallymyfault · 19/12/2018 14:12

Yeah, I am thinking IABU in changing so much and expecting him to come alongside me at my request. I will have a chat to him as I don't think he is happy we are growing apart and there is always an answer. As I said, we have got through a lot worse that this over the last 30 years.

OP posts:
Ethel36 · 19/12/2018 14:13

Getting drunk is very different to having a few drinks!

hellojason · 19/12/2018 14:23

I don't think it's about you getting old or boring. We all change through life and couples need to evolve together to some extent or they grow apart and lead separate lives. Whilst it's fine to have some separate interests you need something in common which bonds you.

It does sound like you're reinventing yourself (in a healthy, mature way!) and he's a bit stuck and puzzled. What can you do together that you'll both enjoy? Maybe a new hobby/activity which adds some new life to your relationship.

Shoxfordian · 19/12/2018 14:56

Yeah I would find it difficult if my fiance decided he was going to be a teetotal vegan, its a lifestyle change and we wouldn't be able to enjoy the same stuff anymore.

You're happy with your new lifestyle but your husband may not want to change his

onalongsabbatical · 19/12/2018 15:22

People grow apart. The question is, do you both want to stay married and have more separate lives, or is it time to consider the possibility that you've grown so far apart that it's no longer really a marriage?

EvaHarknessRose · 19/12/2018 15:31

You need to find one shared 'thing' whether it's a project, taking the GC out, a shared hobby, a dog - to see if you can still enjoy each others company.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/12/2018 15:37

Your new lifestyle doesn’t make you old or boring; but nor does it mean that your choices are better than or more significant than your OH’s. He’s entitled to continue to enjoy what he likes doing. And the two of you being unable to agree on how to meet in the middle would ultimately lead to you becoming incompatible.

There’s no way on earth I could stay with a partner who decided to change their lifestyle so drastically as you have - it would mean I’d have to exclude them from an awful lot of my favourite social activities (because I’d have no intention of stopping doing them) and then what sort of relationship would we have?

goingonabearhunt1 · 19/12/2018 15:50

Why don't you do more of the things you don't both like separately and then try and find something else that you can both enjoy, just the two of you. It's a bit worrying if he annoys you on a night out though, what does he do that's so annoying?

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