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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate DP's job?

36 replies

ChocolateCoins567 · 19/12/2018 10:49

He's in the Navy, and has been deployed for the first time since we've been together. He's been away 3 months, was meant to be home last week but was delayed to this week, which has been delayed again till god knows when. He's likely to miss Christmas, New Year, my birthday...

He is such a wonderful man and a thoughtful, loving partner. But AIBU to detest his job and wish he'd leave the military? Prepared to be told I am BU but he misses so much as he isn't based where we live (moved in together earlier this year) so is away M-Th and then some weekends he has to work.

He's missed weddings, birthdays, family dinners and all the usual day to day stuff that makes up a relationship and a life together. It's making me feel so resentful of his job and how much it dictates our lives together.

So, MN, AIBU?

OP posts:

Puggles123 · 19/12/2018 10:55

Nature of the beast, I’m afraid- and something you have to get used to if you want to give things a real go with him. My OH is in the army and as bad as it is you soon get used to the disappointment of last minute leave cancellations, deployments, exercises etc. For me he is worth it, and I would never ask him to leave his job as he had his career before he met me and he makes a lot of effort in the relationship, you need to decide whether you think it is worth it.

nokidshere · 19/12/2018 10:56

Of course you are if he was in the forces when you me and you knew what it was like before you moved in.

Reccy2018 · 19/12/2018 11:05

I feel the same about my husband's job add a police officer. The shifts are killer, he is stressed and overworked, and he misses family events because it's impossible to book leave as they are so short staffed.

He joined the job after we were married and I'm not sure whether dating would have worked if he was a police officer when we first starting seeing each other. He was on a 9 to 5 job so we could plan to see each other without disappointment of being late off or leave cancelled.

I know my other half would be miserable working 9 to 5 now though

Holly2017 · 19/12/2018 11:13

You aren't unreasonable to miss him but was he in the navy before you got married? Was he away then?

heather1 · 19/12/2018 11:16

You are not alone. It’s very frustrating and upsetting I know from speaking to relatives

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/12/2018 11:18

He's in the Navy, and has been deployed for the first time since we've been together.

That answers the questions about whether this has happened before, I think.

OP the first deployment was always going to be hard; because however prepared you are for it, the reality sucks. And the first time he misses things and is delayed on coming home will hurt, too, of course it will.

I don't think you can ask him to leave a career that he enjoys and you knew about, though. A lot of people who leave the military and the police really struggle with fitting back in to 9 to 5 work; and there's no guarantee he'd be happy or able to do that either.

Could you move closer to where he's deployed; so you maximise potential time together?

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 19/12/2018 11:30

If you can't cope with it, don't date the military. Although if this was his 1st deployment away, it's probably been a big shock for you; if you feel you can and will cope in future, keep on but accept it.

Talk to him. If he loves his job, he may be unwilling to leave. Also, not everyone who leaves/leaves before their time gets a good job on civvy street. If he leaves FOR you, be prepared for the possible resentment. One guy I know who was medically discharged recently is currently a supervisor in a Christmas tree warehouse, drinking WAY too much and burning his bridges. He is a qualified barrister and struggling.

Original poster

ChocolateCoins567 · 19/12/2018 12:11

Thank you for your honest replies.

I knew (as do most people who ask AIBU) that I was being irrational. It's just so fucking hard, I had no idea before he went away it'd be so hard. Irregular, patchy contact, not knowing when he'll be home. I thought I'd cope better, but sadly not.

When he was alongside we spoke about his feelings and mine, he knows how hard I've found it and I know he has too, but that he also loves his job and he's already talking about the next deployment.

To those who basically say you knew what you were getting into - yes I knew he was in the Navy so you're partly right but that's a bit like saying to anyone who finds motherhood hard (for example) well you knew children were hard work. Yes I did, can still struggle too!

OP posts:

Original poster

ChocolateCoins567 · 19/12/2018 12:12

@Anchor Yes we're looking at me moving to where his next boat is based, but as he's likely to be away at sea for at least half of next year, I don't think I will just yet as he'd then go away for months and months and I'd be away from both our families and my friends who have been great support. But yes that is the eventual plan.

OP posts:

Holly2017 · 19/12/2018 12:57

If you want sympathy then don't post in AIBU
Post in military families or relationships

Original poster

ChocolateCoins567 · 19/12/2018 13:02

I wasn't looking for sympathy, but saying 'tough luck you asked for it' is a bit unnecessary.

OP posts:

4yearsnosleep · 19/12/2018 13:04

My husband is RAF, we met when we were both in. It is hard, even though it's all we've known. It's one of the reasons why we will only have one child as the first 3 years of her life he was away 2/3 of the year. Yes I'm used to it, but I'd still be grumpy if he was delayed and missed Christmas. I'm grumpy that he's missing my birthday for the 12th time in 13 years.

The plus side is that he does a job that he really loves, he's paid well and we have good job security. So I count myself lucky most of the time but not when he was in Vegas for 6 weeks and I was bed-bound from an operation

Bb90 · 19/12/2018 13:15

I was just about to type that it gets easier, but in reality the delays and missing events/attending on your own , just wanting a hug still sucks after 8 years (2 No 3 month trips a year for my OH) i am on a facebook group "the merchant navy WAGS" it might be worth joining something like that - its a whole support network for people in the same boat (haha) i find talking to people in the same situation easier as some people don't understand that it is actually hard! My partner left last week for 3/4 months and i have been in a foul mood and not cooked a proper meal for myself yet - I will tonight.

Original poster

ChocolateCoins567 · 19/12/2018 14:58

Thank you both for sharing your experiences! It helps to know I'm not alone. I'm in a facebook navy WAGs group, support is good, sometimes patchy (as with anything).

I feel so lonely at times, it's really hard. As you say @Bb90 - sometimes you just want a hug!

OP posts:

Puggles123 · 19/12/2018 15:11

It’s not people saying tough, but unfortunately the pace of his work/deployments isn’t going to change just because of his personal circumstances. It is tough dating someone in the forces, and I don’t think people quite grasp it unless they’ve experienced it; but it is, ultimately, a choice and the job has to come first as there’s not much choice in the matter for him. Friends have had their husbands miss the birth of their children, all sorts of events, and been away for up to 9 months- unless he leaves you need to find a way that makes it as easy as possible for both of you, but him always being home isn’t an option. If he gets a shore posting as they are supposed to every few years then that’s good, although don’t underestimate the strain of moving your whole life and him still being duty weekend or missing things due to work.

PumpkinPie2016 · 19/12/2018 15:22

It is hard having a relative in the military - my brother is army and has been for years. Over time, it does get easier though - his wife finds it ok but they have a married quarter so she is on camp with loads of others in the same situation and they do support eachother.

Maybe see how it goes for a while but if this way of life isn't for you there is no shame in that. A word of warning though (not saying you would!) But please don't try to persuade him /suggest he leaves the navy - my brothers ex tried this and he looked at options in civvy street - police included but ultimately decided to stay in the army. It's a way of life and he knew that whoever he chose to marry needed to be someone who could support that. Thankfully, his wife always has. He doesn't blame his ex but it would never have worked.

WhatelsecouldIbecalled · 19/12/2018 15:35

I feel your pain. It’s incredibly hard. Yes ok for those people that said you knew what you were getting into are right in some degree but unless they are military spouses they will never understand how hard it can be.

It’s fine to have a little pity party. I know it’s so tough when you just want a hug or some affection or simple thing like ask them a question about the gas bill 😂. It’s even harder through the winter and Christmas. Some of my top tips for survival as someone who has been through this lots of times. My DH is currently away and will be until end of feb.:

make the most of every opportunity it’s you have to talk to them even when it’s sporadic. Try not to be upset at this time as you feel guilty after.
try to preempt shitter times and then plan a treat for yourself. For me it’s if I know I’m going to have a rough day at work then I plan a really nice tea and lovely hot bath.
be careful about moving to be near him. I get it my and DH did 5 years him on base mon to fri and then home at weekends. Navy are more tricky as they go away more so if you move to be with him and then he’s on tour for 9 months at sea where does that leave you and your support network.
plan something really lovely for when he is back. We often have weekends away not long after he gets home just to spend som real quality time together.

I doesn’t get easier...you get stronger!

WhatelsecouldIbecalled · 19/12/2018 15:36

it doesn’t get easier

MyBreadIsEggy · 19/12/2018 15:46

“You knew what you were getting into”

The phrase hated by every military spouse on this planet.
Yes, we know what the job entails....Doesn’t mean we have to enjoy every fucking second of it
I’m ex-serving, and now married to a serving soldier so I see it from both sides. We also have 2 very young DCs.
DH has recently returned from a 4 month deployment - 5th one since we’ve been together, and 3rd we’ve had children.
Our DS is 2, and DH has been away for more of DS’s life than he’s actually been home.
I’m not going to sugar coat it: it fucking sucks. And it doesn’t get easier, you just learn how to crack on without him. Our eldest child is a major daddy’s girl, and deployments hit her harder than anyone - she’s too young to really understand why her daddy isn’t there to pick her up from preschool on a Friday afternoon with all the other daddy’s She wakes up in the night crying for him, and is terrified that he’s leaving for a long time every single time he walks out of the door - even if he’s just popping to the shop for milk, she needs reassurance that he will be back.

We’ve all felt the way you do at some point, and sometimes, after a particularly shitty day, the best thing to do, is put your jammies on and cry into a bottle of wine
(Then pull up your big girl pants, and tackle the next day like you don’t have a raging hangover)

Polarbearflavour · 19/12/2018 17:57

I feel for you OP. DH is military in a role where he rarely goes away.

Original poster

ChocolateCoins567 · 20/12/2018 09:32

Thank you all, I know he works hard and is allowed to love his job and his being in the military pre-dates us meeting or being in a relationship so most of the time I just suck it up. It's just this time of year and the fact he was meant to be home today and isn't...

Really appreciate those of you who have shared your own experiences and made me feel less alone. X

OP posts:

4yearsnosleep · 20/12/2018 19:19

@ChocolateCoins567 it will be shit. Focus on the plus sides and the bonus of watching all the shit tv you want to (thin positives I know, but anything you can put a positive spin on)

Bb90 · 20/12/2018 22:57

@4yearsnosleep ! Omg yes, currently catching up on Grey's anatomy and one born every minute, planning on which wall in my lounge/diner to paint as an accent wall haha.

Keep busy but enjoy your own company as well.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/12/2018 23:08

My DP isn't in any of these jobs however he did have to go away for two months in the summer and it was awful, he was also meant to only be there six weeks however it ended up eight weeks.

It's very very hard OP and I do know that there is support out there for military wives so there should be for you too.

YANBU to feel the way you are however I YWBU to force him to leave his job.

Nancy268 · 20/12/2018 23:21

My husband worked on the tankers for a few years so he was away for 4-6 months at a time and home for about 2-3 months in between. He was never given a date to leave or come back until about 4 days before and it was really difficult to plan around.

He luckily changed jobs a few months ago because we had a baby. However, if his new job had not come up we would have made it work for sure. So many people do and manage! It makes your relationship stronger if you let it!

Before we had our baby, the time he was away gave me the opportunity to see loads of friends and family and to also slob around the house in my pjs!! I also watched a ton of boxsets that he would never watch! I would have preferred to have him home of course but I learned how to enjoy a bit of me time!

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