To hate DP's job?

[ChocolateCoins567]

He's in the Navy, and has been deployed for the first time since we've been together. He's been away 3 months, was meant to be home last week but was delayed to this week, which has been delayed again till god knows when. He's likely to miss Christmas, New Year, my birthday...

He is such a wonderful man and a thoughtful, loving partner. But AIBU to detest his job and wish he'd leave the military? Prepared to be told I am BU but he misses so much as he isn't based where we live (moved in together earlier this year) so is away M-Th and then some weekends he has to work.

He's missed weddings, birthdays, family dinners and all the usual day to day stuff that makes up a relationship and a life together. It's making me feel so resentful of his job and how much it dictates our lives together.

So, MN, AIBU?

My husband is also in the Navy, I understand how your feeling and have been in the same position before

My husband works in theatre and tours for half the year. I feel your pain, especially as we’re due our first baby next year.

I don't have much advice I am.afraid, I knew from a very young age that I would never marry someone in one of the forces. Obviously if they had joined after we married, I'd have tried to make it work but I would never have chosen that life
However.much I loved/ adored someone, I knew I would not be able to cope with the life and would have been miserable.
I have a lot of respect for the forces and their spouses and lots of.people seem to cope quite well with it, buy I don't blame you all for hating the job.

It's just miserable at times! And heightened by the fact he won't be home for Christmas so all the plans we had are just gone now, but the expectation is that you keep going and just make the best of it.

I cry, a lot. And it's so difficult not knowing even what month he could be home.

There is some peer support, I'm on a FB group. The military couldn't give a toss about unmarried couples though who don't live on a base, there is no RN support at all.

@bumbling I always said the same thing, my Dad was in the military. But then I met him and suddenly I was a massive hypocrite!

Not unreasonable at all. Anyone who says "you knew what you were getting in for" needs a good bloody shake. I find there are highs and lows, this is a low, I hope you manage to have a good Christmas. Perhaps chat about his long term plan when he's back and see how you can make it work for both of you.

Thank you @User - I really appreciate that. I hope you have a good Christmas too :)

I'm an ex-Wren and DH is still in the RN. He's had his fair share of long (10 mth) deployments. His current role is rather niche and he goes to sea at very short notice, usually for indeterminate timescales. He often missed birthdays, anniversaries etc. and I'm always having to cancel arrangements and attend things on my own. It's really hard but it's worth it because he loves his job, it pays well and there's great job security!

My advice is to make sure you have your own life and interests and refuse to give these up when he's back! You need to ensure that your life doesn't always revolve around his comings and goings.

‘You knew what you were getting yourself
In to’

is a phrase any of us not in the same position can say.

But the reality is love doesn’t work like that. I see dp a few time a week as we live 40 minutes away. If he told me now he was signing up, would I leave him? No because I love him. If I’d met him (And yes we were the ‘love at first sight type) and he’d told me he was in the forces, would I have walked away? Nope, I would have done anything to make it work.

So often we don’t have that ability to walk away once our heart has been taken.

I feel for you, and every other woman and man in the position of being at home whilst your loved ones are deployed.

I remember once a colleague coming into work and during our morning chat she mentioned her husband had been deployed that morning. She was absolutely fine. Not even upset. I asked why as I would be inconsolable. She said ‘but I am used to it. This is our life’. She had been married 8 years.

So I do think it gets easier for most in one way, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it.

I hope you have a nice Christmas. Try and find some things to do for yourself. Things you would not do because he would not enjoy if he was here.

@loubluee I find deployment day a relief tbh, I find the build up to it so stressful, you're just waiting for them to go, getting stressed at each other and preparing for it, then when the day finally comes I was just relieved and ready to get on with it as the countdown was on. The week before he left I wasn't so put together, but the day of I was at work and people wouldn't realise.

If anyone could leave someone because they didn't like their job I would question whether they truly loved them, I couldn't leave my husband because I didn't like his job, I'd rather 3 months of the year with him than 12 months with anyone else. So yes I agree the "know what you get into" is ridiculous!

Sometimes I wish DH would be deployed and give me some peace and quiet

He is making noises about going on one of the new aircraft carriers. But only because one of his friends is.

As I said, his branch rarely goes to sea.

I am currently in the Navy and I am sat eating lunch along while shopping as my husband is on a ship in the gulf and he will be back in July.

I am fine. We have been here before as has he. We have children now but they are too young to notice he time. They understand he is away with work. That's all they need to know.

I guess he is a submariner by your use of the word boat? That has pros and cons.

My only advice is it is ether for you or it isn't. But if you stick with it then you need to woman up. Moaning to your Oh about how hard you are finding it, crying or whatever . I only get 30 mins a week phone call and the odd face time when he can. I can't spend that short amount of time whinging to him. We laugh, we catch up, whatever. As hard as you find it. Don't keep telling him that. It will build resentment on both sides and honestly what do you want him to do? He can't make it easier for you.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but if I was deployed the last thing I would want his my partner moanig down the phone to me. And I have seen these men with the girlfriend that can't handle it. No good for anyone.