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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DD to a new school although she doesn't want to?

63 replies

Gingerninj · 18/12/2018 21:34

I'm planning to move in the new year, only about 25 minutes from where we currently live. DD didn't want to move at all at first as it meant leaving the town she's always lived in, she's feeling better about it now but is adamant to stay at her school. I understand it's not easy, she only started there in september. The commute there would be possible but not easy, 25 minutes (probably more in rush hour) there and back, along with picking up DS. She's in year 9 so that would be for the next 2 and a bit years. She's going to a good school and i hate to be doing this just as she properly settled in but in the end it would probably be much easier to move her to a local school. Which, if she tries to, she'll settle in there to. Does anyone travel a similar distance? Is it worth it? I do want her to be happy of course

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerninj · 18/12/2018 22:38

She moved schools in september as she was having a lot of problems at her old school to do with other students and her behaviour wasn't great, a fresh start was what she needed, she's had a hard time settling in but seems to be doing well lately so I know moving her isn't the best option. If it had worked out better we would have moved before september. The move isn't really to do with schools though i do have that in mind obviously. I know 25 minutes isn't very long but that will add up to about an hour (getting out of the car park, with traffic it could be longer), 2 hours a day with my youngest DD who's 2 in the car. Timing with dropping DS off too probably won't work, he'll be going to a local school. I'll look into DD taking herself there but I'm not sure, there is a school but it stays within the town

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerninj · 18/12/2018 22:39

I meant to say school bus

OP posts:
Bunnybigears · 18/12/2018 22:45

She doesnt need a school.bus she can go by normal bus. If she is year 9 and wants to stay at the school yell ber to work out how to get there and back. She will either find a way or decide its too difficult and want to change school.

DrWashout · 18/12/2018 22:51

Tricky. A 3rd secondary school is a lot for her to handle and experience at her first school says things can go wrong. She's not one of those DC who will just bumble along happily anywhere.

I am tempted to say it is worth the trip to save another move, but that is subject to it being logistically possible when your little one has preschool or is in YR. Has she seen round the potential school(s)? Worth getting her to do that if not, especially if you can offer the option of not moving if she doesn't like it. But if you can't do the round trip and get your little one to reception in a couple of years, then she will need to move, in which case the sooner the better.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 18/12/2018 22:57

Year nine is the first year of intensive GCSE study where we are. Moving a child could massively mess things up with regards to choices space, syllabus expectations, coursework dates, modular exams and so on.

It’s not something I’d do unless absolutely necessary.

Singlenotsingle · 18/12/2018 23:08

Tell her she can travel to the old school on the bus, if she wants to stay there.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2018 23:10

I wouldn't move her if she is happy in a good school. My dd walks for 25 minutes each way to our closest school.

AtSea1979 · 18/12/2018 23:17

YABU to move her again after all the problems she had and overcame just because you can’t be bothered to take her. It’s not like it’s because you have to work or anything so leave her there it’s only 2 more years. Look in to the bus services. It doesn’t need to be a school bus.

Original poster
Gingerninj · 18/12/2018 23:26

I do have to work but i work from home so i can be a bit more flexible

OP posts:
needanappp · 19/12/2018 00:58

In the grand scheme of things 25 minutes isn't long at all and if she is settled, especially after being unsettled previously, I wouldn't move her.

I moved schools when I was at the start of my Year 10 (moved totally out of the area so was necessary) and it was awful. I was bullied badly and had no friends or anyone to talk/turn to for a good few months until I had been there a little. A lot of it was because I was new and wasn't like a lot of the other kids at the school.

Not saying that this happens all the time or that it definitely would with your DD but it's either going to be a good move or a bad move. If it's a bad move it's going to be awful and if she doesn't need to be uprooted, I wouldn't make her. Especially as she is happy where she is.

Original poster
Gingerninj · 19/12/2018 15:05

I've looked at buses and it would meaning taking multiple, meaning the journey takes about an hour and may not get her there on time. So driving her there would be the best option but i wouldn't be able to get her there and DS to his primary unless i kept DS at his current school too

OP posts:
fireplacetiles · 19/12/2018 15:23

The main issue for me would be the friendship thing. I had to commute with my kids for a couple of years while we built our house and they missed out on so much. No after school activities, no going to friends houses or having them round and was really isolating for them on a weekend. I would say really avoid this if you can it sounds like she has already had issues with friendships but if she is settled it isn't really fair.

Tinty · 19/12/2018 15:24

I wouldn't move her if she is settled after having trouble in her previous school. Why did you move away from both your DC's schools?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/12/2018 15:28

So driving her there would be the best option but i wouldn't be able to get her there and DS to his primary unless i kept DS at his current school too

So keep him at his current school too. Or maybe consider whether moving is the right thing to do given that the DC are settled.

ThistleAmore · 19/12/2018 15:33

Please don't.

My parents made me move school constantly for a variety of reasons and I have felt pathologically unsettled ever since (the most significant move being pulling me out of boarding school school to go to a local comprehensive when I was 13, which I have never forgiven them for).

Children crave stability.

madmum5811 · 19/12/2018 15:33

I went to four secondary schools was moved in year 7, year, 9, year 11. DF job. I hated it. It is so hard being uprooted and making new friends. I left school after GCSEs because I could not face another school.

My own DCs went to one primary school, one secondary school and have lifetime friends. I do envy them that stability.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/12/2018 15:43

Children crave stability

I work with teenagers and this is 100% true.

anniehm · 19/12/2018 15:47

My kids travelled by public bus from age 10, certainly fine from that age (I took two buses at that age changing in the centre of town!). I wouldn't change kids schools for a 30 minute journey, it's bad enough when you have to due to 90 mins +

Original poster
Gingerninj · 19/12/2018 15:52

DS's school isn't great really so I do want to move him, the school we've looked at suits him better. The area we live in isn't great either, I just really want to get out of here, we'll still come back regularly and visit. But I've found a much nicer area, somewhere to properly settle down and they'll get the stabability they need hopefully

OP posts:
lljkk · 19/12/2018 15:55

I'm surprised there isn't a public transport option (maybe involves you picking up or dropping off part of the distance) that would work to let older one stay at school she likes now.

LIZS · 19/12/2018 16:01

Can you not drive her to a bus stop nearer, so you do less of the 25 mins.

FilthyforFirth · 19/12/2018 16:20

Please dont. I had to move in Y9, it was horrendous. I was lucky my other parent saw how miserable I was and I went back in Y10.

The distance isnt that long and she will really appreciate it.

Bekabeech · 19/12/2018 16:33

Look at the public transport options - can you drive her for a shorter time to a direct transport option? Could she do a bus ride and then walk?

I'd do my best not to move her again if she is now settled and doing well.

ThistleAmore · 19/12/2018 18:35

This is turning into one of THOSE threads:

OP: AIBU?

MN: Yes [givesmanyreasons]

OP: No, IABR

And ne'er the twain shall meet...

DragonflyInn · 19/12/2018 19:48

She’s had friendship and behavioural problems and a recent school move - and is now settled and happy and enjoying school? I cannot believe you would be considering moving her again. Many of us with children who’ve had these problems would give anything to be in the position you are now. Please please don’t move her.

Oh and both our nearest secondary schools are at least 25 minutes away. It’s nothing.