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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do people afford children if they have no family to help with childcare?

56 replies

MidnightChild · 18/12/2018 20:54

I feel having a child is so expensive, with the main costs being childcare and/or loss of earnings.

We have no family near us, which really puts me off having a baby as I know the childcare costs would be more than my wage. There would be no point even working, just to pay someone else to look after my child. On the other hand, we couldn't afford to live on just my partner's wage. Especially considering the cost of houses today.

It does make me feel sad, as I really can't see how we could do it without living in hardship. I know many people say if you want a baby you will be prepared to live in a difficult life for a few years, but I've never believed in doing something if I can't afford to.

Sorry to sound bitter but it feels like only the very rich can afford to have children these days, or those lucky enough to have a supportive family.

OP posts:

hibbledibble · 18/12/2018 20:56

Tax free childcare, child tax credits, 15/30 free hours. Also childcare vouchers, but the scheme is now closed to new applicants.

It's still expensive, but the above does help, especially if you get the 30 free hours!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/12/2018 20:56

Yep it sucks. Everyone I know with babies and toddlers use a mix of family, nursery or child minder and flexi working to get through week to week.

Flatwhite32 · 18/12/2018 20:57

We are in this situation! Nursery will cost around £700 a month for 3 days a week. Sob. I'm a teacher, so the pay isn't great, but even going back part time will give me a bit of extra money. I won't ever be able to save again though from my own salary.

Petitprince · 18/12/2018 20:57

We saved for a long time (longer than expected due to fertility problems). How old are you now op?

Dreamingofkfc · 18/12/2018 20:58

I work shift work, so do 3 12.5 hour shifts a week with one being at the weekend so we only pay for 2 days childcare. Defo wouldn't be able to afford 5 days a week childcare!

ViragoKnows · 18/12/2018 20:58

Sorry to sound bitter but it feels like only the very rich can afford to have children these days, or those lucky enough to have a supportive family.

Or we live on lentils and wear supermarket clothes and are permenantly overdrawn for a few years. Free nursery hours kick in at age three and it gets better then.

Parents who get free family childcare generaly show no tealisation that theyre being subsidided to the tune of £1k+ per month, though.

Knittink · 18/12/2018 20:59

Sympathies for your situation, but I don't think it's really only the very rich who can have children without family support. Dh and I are both teachers, so definitely not rich. I went part time when dc were born and used a childminder. No childcare done by family. It depends where you live and what house prices and local childcare costs though.

Jakethekid · 18/12/2018 21:00

The honest answer is, I struggle massively.

I didnt plan on getting pregnant, I have been with my partner for 12 years (childhood sweethearts) and I was told I would struggle to get pregnant so was a happy surprise but a surprise none the less. My partner works but childcare where I live would have been more than my full time wage.

Some people may think I am lucky that I spend all day with my child, which of course in some ways I am, but it is very hard work mentally and we struggle massively financially even without childcare. I do wish I could go back to work part time as something for me. I also wish I had family near by, not for free childcare but mainly for company. It all makes us stronger though in the end. I just wish I could give my son more.

KaraokeKink · 18/12/2018 21:00

You delay having a child until you’ve got yourself to a stronger position in your career to be better able to afford paid childcare, then suck it up until your child goes to school and costs reduce somewhat, and you’re paying wraparound and holiday childcare. Both parents cooperating is key — we have at various points arranged our work patterns so as to reduce what childcare we need to pay for.

All of both our families are in our home country, so we’ve never had any free childcare. It can be done.

SaucyJack · 18/12/2018 21:00

Many many people choose to rent, and have children- rather than work and save for a mortgage.

Having both is unrealistic for most these days.

oooerrmissus · 18/12/2018 21:01

We have no family help. The majority of people I know are managing with no family help. If you can't afford childcare then an option is to work shifts so someone is always at home but you get two full wages. Look at Nanny shares. Cost up different childcare choices and see how they work with job options. Alternatively you just struggle through being skint for a few years.

gingajewel · 18/12/2018 21:01

I get 70% of nursery costs paid in tax credits and use my child benefit aswell and then that leaves me about £100 a month to pay, dd is nearly three though so will soon get 30 hours free (yayyyyyy)

CMOTDibbler · 18/12/2018 21:01

It cost an arm and a leg, but we've never had any family help at all and paid for nursery FT, then wrap around care, and now we are 'just' down to holiday clubs.

However, not being out of my job when ds was small meant that my career progressed and I've been able to be more flexible in the long term

Stroller15 · 18/12/2018 21:01

Our family is in a different country and we have 2 DC, we decided to bite the bullet and make it work with my husband working part time in the evenings and me going back full time as there will never be a "perfect" time for us. I would love to be able to drop my DCs at GPs on a random afternoon though!

Imstickingwiththisone · 18/12/2018 21:01

Many, many people do it on a low income for the reason that you already know, by gritting your teeth through the financial difficulties of the first few years. Others get child tax credits to help contribute. Others work opposite shifts so both parents are always looking after the baby. There are lots of ways.

Children are expensive in general. Once they're at school there is wrap around care which is still costly and so many kids do extra curricular activities which depending on the activity can be £££ in uniforms, exams, costumes, travelling.

It's all relative and you have to cut your cloth accordingly.

Teatimeted · 18/12/2018 21:04

We have no family nearby. DH works full time. I compress my hours so do four days but our childcare bill is still £750 a month.

We saved to afford mat leave, and then just resigned ourselves to two years of shit until the 30 free hours kick in. Then my childcare costs drop to about £200.

So no, it's not just the rich. But it does take careful planning and an acknowledgment that things will be tight for a couple of years.

Auntiepatricia · 18/12/2018 21:04

Career choices and holding off on kids till we earned well.

PurdysChocolate · 18/12/2018 21:04

We moved up north to an area with cheap housing, which enabled me to be a SAHM and we live on DH's wage. We also get money from PIL.

Ineedtonamechangenow · 18/12/2018 21:05

We keep our expenses as low as possible. Have a tax credit top up and don't pay for childcare as I work evenings. Working evenings is the main thing really I guess because technically I'm a SAHM during the day. We've squeezed our boys in close together (12m age gap) so that we can get into the workplace properly a bit sooner!

SushiMonster · 18/12/2018 21:06

Many ways:

They have jobs that pay more than child care.

One parent becomes a SAHP.

Parents work opposing shifts.

FaFoutis · 18/12/2018 21:08

I took a pay cut (and fucked my career forever) so that I could work from home. No family ever helped and I didn't pay for any childcare. It's possible in some jobs. Not nice though.

TheABC · 18/12/2018 21:11

It's crap. Child one was OK as even though it cost more than our mortgage, it came out of the family pot and I stayed in work for pension/career progression. Child two was an unexpected surprise. Childcare simply became unaffordable - in the holidays it would have swallowed up my wages and the money budgeted for the utility bills. I now freelance from home in the evenings and wait grimly for the free hours allowance to kick in next year. Realistically, if you don't have family near by, you either space the kids out so one is at school when the other is born (hence lower bills), do shift work around your partner or take the hit on one set of wages and have then as close together as you can bear it, to minimise the time away from work. Britain has some of the highest childcare costs in Europe. It's one of the biggest structural barriers facing women as we actually have equal pay with blokes in our 20s then it drops away in our 30s when we start a family and someone has to sacrifice a wage.

Bambamber · 18/12/2018 21:13

My husband works during the day and I work in the evenings so childcare isn't an issue

xyzandabc · 18/12/2018 21:14

I worked shifts so 6 - 2 three days a week, one of which was always Saturday or Sunday. So she dropped off at 7.30am and I picked up at 3pm from a childminder so saved a little in hours we had to pay for. And only needed 2 days childcare for me working 3 days. Also meant dh was used to solo childcare from an early age.

I worked for promotion and DH then got a job with a subsidised nursery. Then after dc3 I got a job with a subsidised nursery. Then term time only.

Don't think just because your current hours/working conditions wouldn't work out that it's impossible. You aren't both stuck in the same employment forever. If what you currently have won't work with children, and you want DC, then do something to start changing it. Opportunities won't jump in to your lap, you'll need to be proactive and search for them or even make them yourself.

flamingofridays · 18/12/2018 21:15

We pay most of my wage for full time nursery. We use the government tax free childcare and will get 30 free hours when ds turns 3.

We will be significantly better off when he goes to school.

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