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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious at dd's teacher?

55 replies

Blankexpression · 18/12/2018 19:21

Today DD's teacher when walking around the class told her to hurry up with her work and then whilst stopping to look at her handwriting said 'God. You're a bit OCD as well, aren't you?'. Presumably meaning as well as DSD, who left the same school a few years ago and has severe OCD.

DSD was taught by this teacher for a GCSE subject so several times a week for two years. Her OCD at this point was debilitating and had a big impact on her school life, there was several incidents this teacher witnessed or would have at least been very aware of including two suicide attempts on school property. I'm certain they knew about all this and will remember it even if it was a few years ago.

Their comments led to one of dd's classmates making a joke about the teacher thinking dd is crazy like her sister. I've never gone into school to complain about any of my kids teachers before but am completely furious with this comment and how incredibly insensitive it was. I know I didn't hear it but it sounds like it could only have been a vile joke, the teacher has no reason to genuinely be concerned that dd has OCD or to voice this to the whole class. Even if dsd wasn't dd's sister I would still find it disgusting for a teacher to say in front of the class that a student was 'a bit' of any medical condition.

AIBU to be furious?
I need someone to either talk me down and explain I'm being over sensitive or tell me they would feel the same before I do anything.

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 18/12/2018 19:25

YANBU. That’s really shit and you’re entitled to complain.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 18/12/2018 19:34

Given the seriousness of DSDs condition, this is utterly inexcusable. I'd go straight to the head.

Allthewaves · 18/12/2018 19:44

Awful. I'd be writing a letter and asking for an appointment

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 18/12/2018 19:51

Making any kind of 'joke' about a mental illness is always a long way from being okay, but with the context (and the teacher's clear knowledge) of your elder sibling's condition this becomes a VERY big deal and definitely a complaint to take straight to the headteacher.

Please don't allow anyone to minimise the seriousness of this issue; teachers should not be using this kind of language to belittle or bully their students. Best wishes to you and your family

jessstan2 · 18/12/2018 19:56

Go to the head. That was an appalling thing to say.

cowfacemonkey · 18/12/2018 19:58

Yeah I’d be going down in person about that, totally out of order.

BreakfastAtLitanies · 18/12/2018 19:58

As always, first go in and ask the teacher what happened. I'm afraid it doesn't sound like your DD got confused at all although I desperately hope so. THEN go and make a formal complaint.

That's disgusting, the worst teacher thread I've read on here. How awful that they felt it was acceptable to make such a comment.

Acopyofacopy · 18/12/2018 19:59

Totally not on. Teacher should get an enormous bollocking, and I do say that as a secondary teacher myself.

thehorseandhisboy · 18/12/2018 20:01

That's really serious - follow your school's complaint procedures.

EatsFartsAndLeaves · 18/12/2018 20:01

Yanbu I would absolutely feel the same.

AndSheWas85 · 18/12/2018 20:02

It's completely unacceptable behaviour from this teacher, especially in light of what your DSD went through.
Absolutely complain and best of luck with it.
Hope your DSD is doing better nowThanks

LilMy33 · 18/12/2018 20:02

Inexcusable no wonder you’re angry. Definitely complain, it’s infuriating how mental health problems are regarded by many people.

MaisyPops · 18/12/2018 20:10

Making jokes or passing comments about OCD is never ok (though sadly a common feature in many people's language e.g I'm a bit ocd about things). It's particularly out of order in a professional contezt

Whether it's a 'vile joke' or a reference to their sibling I'm not so sure. The only reason I say this is that we have lots of information shared about students and much of it isn't retained week to week if it doesn't involve us. (E.g I split up an altercation and was told about a child's care circumstances and wider services. I couldn't tell you them now. It was a piece of information needed at the time that is no longer in my memory.)
There is a chance your child could have misheard and latched onto comparison that wasn't there. After an event it's easy to misremember exact words especially if something hits a nerve (speaking from experience when having to write up behaviour reports and write down what a student has said).

I would absolutely complain about making a joke or minimising OCD. I personally wouldn't go in all guns blazing accusing the teacher of making vile references to another child.

MaisyPops · 18/12/2018 20:11

Just to clarify, before someone inevitably launches accusations of defending the teacher, the OP SHOULD complain

GabsAlot · 18/12/2018 20:12

theres such a problem with mh-we dont need the teachers being flippant about it aswell

id complain regardless of dsd those comments are not appropriate

caringcarer · 18/12/2018 20:14

I would be complaining to the governors.

MaisyPops · 18/12/2018 20:17

GabsAlot
I agree. It's out of order.
I would be complaining to the governors
OP needs to follow the school's formal complaints policy and get each stage in a paper trail/email trail.
Contrary to mumsnet wisdom trying to jump levels doesn't make anyone take you more seriously. The first question is "have you followed policy?"

donquixotedelamancha · 18/12/2018 20:18

I'm certain they knew about all this and will remember it even if it was a few years ago.

I'm not sure that's true. There is no reason they would know of the OCD diagnosis unless you told them. I think it's unlikely they will remember a particular pupil well enough from several years ago to recall mental health issues (if they knew about them). They will have taught around 1000 pupils in the last 5 years or so.

You obviously know the situation OP- if they were heavily involved or dealt with the suicide attempt then of course they will remember, but is it possible you are just reading far too much into an (inappropriate) throwaway comment?

FFSFFSFFS · 18/12/2018 20:24

I'd be furious.

But suggest your write it down in a letter because you will be able to explain it better.

Madmozzie · 18/12/2018 20:25

Why would the teacher have commented this from looking at dds handwriting? There's no way to tell from just looking at handwriting, and I would expect a professional educational to be well aware of the inappropriateness and potential ramifications of such a comment. Especially if said teacher was aware of the whole family background. And with the full knowledge that kids hear and repeat everything. They would be fully aware of the shit storm which would follow such an unprofessional and insensitive comment. The only teacher I have ever met who would possibly say anything aloud was quite an old teacher, for whom the comment would have been a statement of fact, and not insensitive to make in their day (unlike now). You need to be really clear on what the teacher said and why before you go in making complaints and accusations.

ShawshanksRedemption · 18/12/2018 20:25

It may be possible that the teacher doesn't realise that your DD and DSD are related (esp if they don't have the same surname), and that's being generous in the hope they haven't meant to offend to such a personal level. "A bit OCD' seems to be bantered about quite often these days by thoughtless people, with no offence intended.

That being said, if it was a flippant remark made in jest, it's not acceptable as it minimises the effect OCD can have on an individual so I'd make a complaint - follow the complaint procedure which should be on school website.

To think that the teacher made the statement knowing full well who your DDs sister is, makes their action abhorrent. I think you need to clarify that aspect in your letter.

MaisyPops · 18/12/2018 20:31

Why would the teacher have commented this from looking at dds handwriting? There's no way to tell from just looking at handwriting
There isn't a way to tell from handwriting.

What the teacher was trying (probably) to communicate is "X you need to develop a more fluent handwriting method as your current approach is so slow that you are spending a disproportionate amount of time and effort in having perfectly neat handwriting rather than developing your answer"
And so instead of talking to the child about it at the end of the lesson or being more direct (E.. g you need to speed up even if that means it's not quite as neat'), they've attempted to be funny and light hearted and in doing so made a ridiculously inappropriate comment that minimises mental health issues.

It's out of order and needs raising. I always try to take the view of Hanlon's razor on things - never assume malice to that which is adequately or reasonably attributable to ignorance

ReanimatedSGB · 18/12/2018 20:36

Definitely contact the school and ask what happened, and put in a complaint. As PP have said, it may have been stupidity rather than deliberate bullying, but it's still a thoroughly inappropriate thing for a teacher to say.

Willow1992 · 18/12/2018 20:38

I am normally one to give teachers the benefit of the doubt since I know how much they put up with, but that was a really shit and insensitive thing to say no matter how you look at it. Complain in writing so that everything you want to say is said.

Madmozzie · 18/12/2018 20:42

Exactly, maisy. There is no one I know who would shorthand comments about someone's handwriting style as having OCD. No one. Especially a teacher, in a classroom full of kids listening in. From the very start of teacher training you are made aware of how inappropriate it is to comment on and label behavior like that, so why would a trained professional not talk about the actual issues demonstrated and shorthand it as something which is likely inaccurate and would be taken offensively, even if unaware of any family background.
Was it possible it was a TA (although they would also know better) or parent helper?