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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother coming for Xmas?

27 replies

Funkyslippers · 18/12/2018 09:28

My DB has just texted me to say he's got nowhere to go for Xmas. I've had him here around 3 times in 5 years, picked him up as he doesn't drive & dropped him off again later. He now lives further away so it would be over 2 hours driving in total. However I've already committed to doing some charity driving for the elderly and feel picking him up would be just too much. I'd hardly see my kids and want to be able to chill out. When we've had him here in the past he didn't lift a finger ALL DAY. Didn't even offer to help at all. Basically sat in the same chair.

We are not close and are very different. I've enjoyed having him here in previous years but he does seem to take over the conversation and if I go and play with my DDs I feel guilty leaving him on his own even though he's a grown man! Staying over for him isn't really an option as he goes to midnight mass on Xmas eve.

OP posts:
IMissGin · 18/12/2018 09:29

He’d need to miss midnight mass or go to one close to you. His choice. Surely?

Weenurse · 18/12/2018 09:31

He is a grown up, he can arrange his own transportation

SnuggyBuggy · 18/12/2018 09:32

Tell him he can come but will need to travel himself. He is an adult, let him make his own decision.

Poloshot · 18/12/2018 09:34

That's a shame he'll either have to miss midnight mass or get a meal for one

7yo7yo · 18/12/2018 09:35

Yeah tell him he’s welcome but he needs to make his own way.
If he moans say oh that’s a shame we’ll see you at some point over Christmas!

HidDis · 18/12/2018 09:41

Sounds like he was waiting for a better offer and is now angling for an invite (so that way, he feels like he isn't asking for a massive favour!)

Text him and say "that's shame, if you can get yourself over here and back (I can't do lifts again) for the day and are prepared to muck in with the washing up then you're more than welcome- you know that!"

Like you say, he's a grown man who is 100% responsible for himself.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 18/12/2018 10:01

Thank you everyone. I was expecting to be flamed! But I feel I've done my bit over the years. Not wanting to drip feed but I cancelled my charity driving last year so I could collect him & take him home and can't let them down again.

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 18/12/2018 10:07

Agree with previous posters. Make it clear he's welcome but other people are relying on you so you can't pick him up and that everyone is helping out this year.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/12/2018 10:13

"How lovely, unfortunately I can't pick you up as I'm doing charity driving during the day - obviously I wouldn't cancel this so close to Christmas. You could come here Christmas Eve and go to midnight mass close to us?"

tablelegs · 18/12/2018 14:27

Tell him it would be lovely to see him but he needs to arrange his own transport.

MrsPinkCock · 18/12/2018 14:29

Similar situation with my DB.

I told him he was welcome but he’d have to arrange his own taxis there and back!

JacquesHammer · 18/12/2018 14:29

Could he go to midnight mass near where you are?

Then he could take public transport on Christmas Eve

Piffle11 · 18/12/2018 14:34

He's an adult, ffs. Why is he allowed to keep to his chosen schedule but you're expected to mix things around to accommodate him? As far as I'm aware, people don't combust if they have to spend Christmas alone. If you're ok with him coming, tell him he can come but will have to make his own way to you - and back again. Don't put yourself out - has he been hoping for an invite somewhere else, and you're his fall back option? Just seems a bit late to be asking you to put him up.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/12/2018 14:42

I'd say he is welcome to come but needs to arrange his own transport.

CloserIAm2Fine · 18/12/2018 14:46

He’s an adult. If your only objection is the driving (so you’re happy for him to stay) then tell him he’s welcome but you’re already doing lots of driving so he needs to get himself there. He can choose to travel to you christnas eve and miss midnight mass (or find one local to you).

cheeseypuff · 18/12/2018 14:52

I'd echo what everyone else has said - he's an adult, you're willing to welcome him into your home at Christmas but he is a capable adult & needs to make his own way there.

Christmas is a time for loving & giving but not martyring!

ZsaZsaMc · 18/12/2018 14:56

Didn’t you already post this last month?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 18/12/2018 15:03

He sounds like a big baby! As a grown man, of course he can sort his own transport out. Don't feel guilty! 2 hours driving to chauffeur him around on Christmas Day? Sod that! If he isn't willing to miss his local mass to stay over or stump up for a taxi if there's no public transport, that's his choice. And if he does come, give him some chores to do, washing up/stacking the dishwasher or something. Why should he sit back and get waited on hand and foot!

GhostSauce · 18/12/2018 15:07

Why can't he arrange his own transport?

KC225 · 18/12/2018 15:44

I remember you posting about this before. I also remember replying to it and suggesting that you give him specific tasks to do and a list of what to bring. Then you said he goes out with his friends on Christmas eve and he has a girlfriend.

If he goes to midnight mass, he can go locally to you and walk home to yours as others do. If he goes out with his friends, tough. He gets a lift or a taxi. Give him specific tasks if he decides to come over. Ask him to bring specific items Bailey's, champagne, crisps etc. But he needs to arrange his own lift if coming on Christmas day.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 18/12/2018 15:53

Thank everyone. Yes I did post about this, well remembered! It was all hypothetical then but very real now. Obviously, no trains or buses on Xmas day and he can't afford a taxi because he spends all his money on takeaways.

However, that is not my problem! Yes, he is a big baby that expects the world to revolve around him. He said he had nowhere to go and I said I had lots of driving to do. He then said a taxi would be £100 before I'd even said he could come!

OP posts:
KC225 · 18/12/2018 17:39

He is cheeky. And is behaving like a giant child. When you posted about it before, it looks as if you were planning ahead and he is relying on last minute guilt trip.

He has two choices, come to you early and stay or get a taxi - he will have to stump up for a taxi. Do not cave in or lend him the money. It is not your problem he behaves like a giant child. He needs to learn and plan ahead Perhaps spending a Christmas alone will teach him some manners.

Why can't he spend it with the girlfriend. I would feel miffed at having to entertain this kidult because it's Christmas when he doesn't bother or take an interest any other time.

Notwiththeseknees · 18/12/2018 17:53

Perhaps he can ask Santa for a bicycle for Christmas Grin

HidDis · 18/12/2018 18:06

"Nowhere to go" How childish, self-pitying and manipulative - I hate guilt trips, particularly ones that play on the social conditioning to which women are subjected - they have the opposite reaction to their intention.

As PP said staying on your own on Christmas day is not the end of the world - and it could be the kick up his arse he needs to take responsibility for his own life, which is the definition of being an adult.

Anyway, you've more than done your bit - stop enabling him now and don't give it more headspace look forward to Christmas, I think it would be awful not to do your charity driving because of this.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/12/2018 18:10

Of course you can't pick him up. He is a grown up. If he wants to come he needs to get there by himself and miss Mass at his usual church. Surely he can go to Mass at a church near you?