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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

66 replies

MelissaN93 · 18/12/2018 01:03

Evening All.

5 months ago I gave birth to my DD. Best day of my life, I was very nervous as I'm a FTM so most things scared me. DF didn't understand where I was coming from and we argued quite a bit. Name calling was his "favourite" thing. No matter what I did I was always wrong. He thought everything was going to go back to how it was before we conceived, I knew it wasn't going too. In recent weeks we've got on so much better and I mentioned another baby by the time my DD is two, his response was "after the first one I think I'll wait a little bit longer because you were a nightmare" AIBU in thinking this is a little bit wrong of him?

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 18/12/2018 07:44

You are in an abusive relationship.

Please don’t let DC grow up witnessing this.

LTB

Costacoffeeplease · 18/12/2018 07:48

It sounds like you’ve got more problems than when/whether to have another child

He calls you names, puts you down and would moan if you referred to him as your boyfriend? He sounds like a prize twat - maybe have a good long think about whether this is what you want your children to grow up with as a role model

BlueSuffragette · 18/12/2018 08:27

Why would you have another baby with a man who calls you names and seems to treat you with a lack of respect?

TeaPot496 · 18/12/2018 08:42

He is being unreasonable by being an abusive, name-calling arsehole. He's much more than "a little wrong".

Decent men would never dream of behaving in such a revolting way.

SmileEachDay · 18/12/2018 08:44

I thought you meant female to male Grin

He sounds like a bit of a cock, OP. Are you sure you want to carry on being with him?

Squatternutbosh123 · 18/12/2018 09:11

What does "He thought everyone was going to go back to the way it was before we conceived" mean?

And why is he calling you names?

paintinmyhairAgain · 18/12/2018 09:20

engaged to a twat,want to have another dc with a twat, you haven't thought this one through have you ? he is abusive,name calls and puts you down. no doubt just the man you always dreamed of marrying when you were a girl. you andyour dc do not need this waste of space.get shot of him pdq !

Original poster
MelissaN93 · 18/12/2018 09:58

In reply to all messages..

The name calling would be things like "you stupid Bitch, selfish, fucking idiot"

He used to come in from work and ask what I'd done all day but he could clearly see I'd done what needed to be done with regards to housework bla bla..when DD was newborn to roughly 14 weeks it got to a point I doubted myself as her mommy thinking I wasn't good enough.

Whilst he isn't as helpful with her the name calling and putting me down seems to of stopped..just not sure what else I can do :/

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/12/2018 10:01

Honey, that's definitely verbal abuse.
You should not have to put up with that shit from anyone, least of all from your supposed partner in life! Shock

Really really think hard about whether you need a lifetime of that shit.

Ilikeknitting · 18/12/2018 10:03

Without being with you throughout those early days, how can anyone say whether you was or was not a “nightmare”.

You may have been the worlds best mum, you may have been an irrational wreck.

Work on the relationship you have with your child’s dad before you bring another baby into your lives.

Tbh, you don’t sound like you get on well at all, sorry, but you do not have what I would call a healthy relationship, so think long and hard before you decide your futures.

Original poster
MelissaN93 · 18/12/2018 10:04

@ThumbWitchesAbroad there was an argument when DD was roughly 8 weeks old I think and his answer was to go to the pub and get drunk..I took her downstairs to sleep and told him I was leaving in the morning, he begged me to stay :/

I don't want to be in another abusive relationship as I've had abuse all my life from family and my ex partner :/ only difference with this one is he's not violent.

OP posts:
Ilikeknitting · 18/12/2018 10:05

Sorry, crossed post. I’ve just seen you latest update.
Why would you even consider stopping with him, let alone having another child with him? The man is a bully and an abuser. Get rid! Do Not consider having more children with this man

Auntiepatricia · 18/12/2018 10:06

I think you need to think very very very carefully about making yourself even more vulnerable with another baby than you already are with this one. This is your life and future, the only thing in the world you have, so do you really want to be belittled and stamped on for the rest of it? Do you want your daughter to see you being treated like that? And thinking it’s normal?

Original poster
MelissaN93 · 18/12/2018 10:06

@Ilikeknitting when we first got together it was amazing, I saw myself having everything with this man..unfortunately I was damaged due to an ex and i wondered whether or not I pushed him to this..which is by no means an excuse.

Since I have threatened to leave for a second time all abusive traits seemed to have stopped, he just doesn't help as much with DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelissaN93 · 18/12/2018 10:08

@Auntiepatricia that's exactly what I've told him! I don't want her having the same upbringing I had and he seemed to of understood it a bit more..

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 18/12/2018 10:08

just not sure what else I can do :/

You can leave him. I feel so sorry for you. Maybe he isn’t violent, but he is an abuser. You don’t deserve to live with this kind of behaviour.

bringincrazyback · 18/12/2018 10:10

Name-calling is a potential deal-breaker for me. I've come close to leaving DH over it, fortunately he's bucked his ideas up and doesn't do it any more.

Original poster
MelissaN93 · 18/12/2018 10:14

@Pachyderm1 I have gone to do so twice. I'm also petrified his family will make everything difficult for me in all aspects. I don't have the best of relationships with them.

@bringincrazyback I don't like name calling either, it stays with that person for years. He has stopped the name calling but I'm always wondering when it'll start again and that's no way to live.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 18/12/2018 10:16

Do you want your daughter to grow up with the same abusive situation that you had to endure? If you do, then stay with him.

Original poster
MelissaN93 · 18/12/2018 10:18

@LovingLola definitely not! It's not fair on her.

OP posts:
TeaPot496 · 18/12/2018 10:18

It's far too soon to be thinking about another baby with this man, or indeed marrying him. A few weeks without any verbal abuse is no time at all. Flouncing off, getting drunk and not pulling his weight with DD are also abusive things. Whilst not physically violent, you're still in an abusive relationship x

Original poster
MelissaN93 · 18/12/2018 10:22

@TeaPot496 I agree with what you've said, I'm more upset about his response than anything..thank you x

OP posts:
MaderiaCycle · 18/12/2018 10:26

He’s not a good man just because he’s not violent. You can do better. You don’t have to stay with someone who doesn’t make you or your little one feel safe.

Original poster
MelissaN93 · 18/12/2018 10:29

@MaderiaCycle thank you!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/12/2018 10:29

As the saying goes, don't settle for a grade 6 bastard, just because he's not a grade 10 bastard.
He's still abusive, just not as abusive (or in different ways) to what you've experienced before.

But he's still not a caring loving partner. :(

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