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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do I write in Christmas card to friend who's daughter has become non-binary?

42 replies

Happymonster · 17/12/2018 23:20

Writing a card to an old ante-natal friend who's moved away and I only see once or twice a year. This summer she told me her teenage daughter, Natalie had decided she was non-binary, tending towards male and from henceforth wanted be known as Boris or he or they (all names changed). I know that mum and dad and other son were not very happy about the whole thing (thought still trying to be supportive parents) and it has been hard for them as a family to come to terms with. We don't really keep in regular phone or email contact, so I don't know if there have been any developments since. Do I write to 'Chas, Dave, Boris and Freddie' or 'Chas and Dave and family'? We're seeing them in the new year, so I don't want to just not write a card....and still have to eventually call Natalie/Boris by some name....

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 17/12/2018 23:21

Chas, Dave and family. No need to mention her name in the card at all.

Maelstrop · 17/12/2018 23:22

When you see them, just use love, darling, whatever you normally call her, just not her name.

TeaPot496 · 17/12/2018 23:22

Dear all...

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 17/12/2018 23:23

Just write to x y and family.

You don't have to use the child's name when you meet up either. It's easy to avoid using a name, especially if you're unsure what they call themselves.

MrsTerryPratcett · 17/12/2018 23:23

On the front of the envelope: The Smith Family.

Inside: We all hope you have a blah blah Christmas blah, all our love blah. No need for names at all.

KayM2 · 17/12/2018 23:23

I'd recommend the " and family " approach. Even though we would all hope that nothing irreparable comes of it all, and it is dropped, the kindest thing might be to fudge it. Whatever you do will be seen as wrong by someone!

Fairylightfurore · 17/12/2018 23:24

Just write ' merry Christmas from the Happymonsters' no need for names

MrsTerryPratcett · 17/12/2018 23:32

I use the And Family approach all the time. Who can remember all the names and spellings for all the people in the family?

toriatoriatoria · 17/12/2018 23:33

I'd go with "and family"

Original poster
Happymonster · 17/12/2018 23:34

I just find '& family' a bit weird when the whole reason we all know each other is the kids! I like the idea of not writing names on the inside, but catch is I've already written the parents names, so would have to write a new card and waste even more precious paper.

Already feel cards are a bit un-environmental, but can't bring myself not to send them as would be upset not to get any myself, and surely sending mass emails out uses server space somewhere which probably involves burning fossil fuel to keep the servers on and cool...

First world problems.

OP posts:
nellieellie · 17/12/2018 23:37

I’m sorry. I can’t get past that a someone actually chose the name, “Boris” for themselves.....

Floralnomad · 17/12/2018 23:41

Leave it a couple of days and they may have sent you a card in which case you will know the answer .

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/12/2018 23:43

@nellieellie ...the OP wrote that all names have been changed for the purposes of her post....

StoppinBy · 17/12/2018 23:45

@nellieellie - the OP said she is using fake names lol.

Just write whatever it is the Mum asked you to do, it wont harm you and it will prevent any upset for them.

The family have probably been through this for a long time before they made it common knowledge so just follow their lead for now.

Rhiannon13 · 17/12/2018 23:45

I’m sorry. I can’t get past that a someone actually chose the name, “Boris” for themselves.....

Do you also think the parents are really called 'Chas & Dave'?

Original poster
Happymonster · 17/12/2018 23:46

no nelliellie she didn't chose the name Boris - I've changed the names here just in case. Her girl name was pretty and unusual, her boy name is very boring and quite old-fashioned (but not in a good way).

OP posts:
nellieellie · 17/12/2018 23:46

@AssassinatedBeauty Of course. It’s late, I have no idea what Im waffling on about.....

Cheeeeislifenow · 17/12/2018 23:47

To blah blah blah and family or no name. But if you have been asked to call someone by a new name I don't know why you wouldn't.

halfwitpicker · 17/12/2018 23:48

I'm too old for this world

BringOnTheScience · 17/12/2018 23:50

I dislike " ... and family" in cards as it implies that the writer just can't be arsed remembering the children's names.
If the last you heard was that DC is called Boris, then you write Boris.

nellieellie · 17/12/2018 23:52

I think as the last thing she said to you on the matter was that she’s called Boris, you put Boris. I think non binary is silly, but if someone wants to be called another name, so be it. If she’s changed her mind then it will just serve as a reminder of past folly, which may be no bad thing.......

Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 17/12/2018 23:52

The X family on the envelope.

Inside
Merry Christmas,
From .......

ASliceOfLife · 17/12/2018 23:54

I also normally think '& family' is weird when the sender knows you very well, however in this case I think it would be fine. It may save an argument at the other end too if the wrong name is used.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 17/12/2018 23:56

On the inside of all our cards I wrote “wishing you all good things for 2019, love from Judy and DP”, no “to names”.

Iloveautumnleaves · 17/12/2018 23:59

Chas, Dave & family is ok if you sign it love from HappyMonster, DH & Family.