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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call in sick with stress?

51 replies

YouCantPolishThis · 17/12/2018 22:02

So this year has been utterly awful for various reasons including: move to new area, mum passing away, new job, single parent, full time hours, poor health, family drama, caring for sibling with MH and health issues,
difficult teenager, poorly DC (not seriously so but a worry during the testing bit) and just trying to learn a complete career change etc

This week my grandmother has passed away and it's causing this huge heap of anxiety and sadness to crush me. I feel like I haven't stopped crying since March. I'm the 'power through' type who likes distraction from real life but I went to work today and now I feel overwhelmingly like I can't do this. I cannot cope with anything else. Every ounce of energy has gone.

I am worried that if I don't stop now I'll end up broken somehow. I approached my boss last week before my grandmother had passed to ask about a temporary reduction in hours and it was flat out no (didn't even let me explain why - just said it's a full time post and ended the conversation). But I need to just slow down so my only choice would be to take a couple of weeks off sick I think.

But, I'm not out of my probation as my boss is too busy to do the review this side of Christmas although I'm technically past my 6 months. So they can give me ones weeks notice. In July I had two weeks off due to being admitted to hospital with a random illness so I am already over the attendance management marker.

On paper I look like a terrible employee because of those two weeks. In reality - I have always performed very well. My boss is the 'delegate delegate delegate' type who happily adds more to my role each week it seems so he is confident in my ability.

It's a busy time for us at work and I would feel bad that my colleague would be picking up the slack but I honestly don't think I can go on like this.

AIBU to speak with the GP tomorrow about getting signed off for two weeks just to get my head straight?

I'm so worried this might cost me my job but I have this running voice in my head saying 'I can't do this anymore' for 95% of the day at the moment. I want to sleep for weeks and wake up when it's all over but I can't.

Please can someone just tell me if I should push through this and stay at work or if I should just pause everything and rest?

OP posts:

Original poster

YouCantPolishThis · 17/12/2018 22:03

that was a bit long sorry!

I just can't decide what to do, all options seem impossible for me to manage right now.

OP posts:

Sooveritg · 17/12/2018 22:05

With the benefit of hindsight, I would say push through it.

StealthPolarBear · 17/12/2018 22:09

Do you have a break planned over Christmas?
I'm so sorry about your grandmother

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/12/2018 22:09

Can you afford to be without a job? Would you be in a position, mentally and otherwise; to find a new job quite easily next year?

If you need this job, I think you need to push through. Added with your two weeks off before; it'd just be too risky - you'd have had a month off over six months.

It does sound hard and I am so sorry

errorofjudgement · 17/12/2018 22:13

Ask for your post probation interview befire the Xmas break. Once confirmed in role, then take the time you need
for you, it sounds like an horrendous year

Original poster

YouCantPolishThis · 17/12/2018 22:13

I have 3 days off for Christmas. 24th-26th Dec and then new years day off but that's it.

And they aren't set to be peaceful days due to family. This is the first christmas without my mum and there is a huge pressure to take over her role with it to be honest.

OP posts:

Si1ver · 17/12/2018 22:14

If it changes how you look at things, unless your boss has formally extended your probation period then it's my understanding that you're legally assumed to have passed if not told otherwise. You can't be kept on probation indefinitely without the extension process being very properly followed.

I had to do a very short notice review and extension of probation meeting for a colleague once to prevent an under performing member of their team get automatically passed probation while my colleague (their manager) was off sick.

Sparky888 · 17/12/2018 22:15

Take a couple of days off with the really bad virus and sinus that’s going around?

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/12/2018 22:16

I think if you have sick time now, it will cost you your job. Which will bring a whole load of extra stress for you. Especially as a single parent.

You need to find a way to push through this and hang in there until you've had your review. Or I think you will regret losing this job. It may seem like a short term fix but it will do more damage long term.

Hawkmoth · 17/12/2018 22:17

With the benefit of hindsight, I would.

Original poster

YouCantPolishThis · 17/12/2018 22:17

I have asked for my probation review - was told it's not important. Basically, if it doesn't benefit my boss it's not important to him. The rest of the team are lovely so I can put up with him!

I can't really afford to be without a job. I have one months rent in savings but would struggle. I would get any job if it comes to it though, I wouldn't be fussy.

Forgot to put in OP that my ex was arrested in May so is now fully out of the picture money and the very occasional childcare wise so it is 100% left to me and I'm picking up the pieces of DC not seeing daddy anymore.

OP posts:

PinguDance · 17/12/2018 22:18

Well I’d be asking to be signed off in those circs too. You don’t sound well and your boss sounds like a deeply unsympathetic character.

CollyWombles · 17/12/2018 22:20

As someone who has had two breakdowns due to pushing through and so forth, take the two weeks off and sod the job. It took me and a wonderful crisis team nearly a full year to get me stable again, I'm certain had I taken time out to seek help, it never would have reached the stage it did. I was also a single parent to 4 young dc, full time manager, dealing with a sexual assault case on my child, two other assaults against my other dc at the hands of their father, the loss of both grandparents within a year of each other (my gran was more like my mother growing up) a cancer scare, youngest child showing signs of SN and being moved into a special needs room, an emotionally abusive relationship... I just totally broke. Nothing is so important to risk your mental health so badly, not even money. There is always support should you need it financially.

AntiHop · 17/12/2018 22:20

Sending you love OP. I would give acas a call and find out if you are still technically on probation when you have reached the 6 months. Don't forget that even when you are beyond probation, anyone can still be sacked without reason within the first 2 years. Bloody awful employment rights.

We can't answer your question without knowing how you would manage if you did lose your job.

To look on the bright side, if you say you are good at your job and it is a busy work place, so they are not going to want to lose you.

helpmum2003 · 17/12/2018 22:21

Sounds horrendous. I would tell your family you cannot be your Mum this Christmas. It's nice in theory but is just too much. Either someone else does it or you all have a quiet time and recover. Hope 2019 is better for you!

AlwaysSomethingThere · 17/12/2018 22:21

Can't you just be honest with your family and say you can't do the whole Christmas thing this year? Use the 3 days to get some space instead? Be selfish OP xx

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 17/12/2018 22:21

I don't know what you should do but wonder if taking the Christmas stress away might be another way to look at it?

So hibernate over those days off and avoid the pressure to fulfil any roles or duties in that time.

Original poster

YouCantPolishThis · 17/12/2018 22:22

I know you're all right. I need to stay at work.

I just don't know how to do it. Every part of me is saying 'just give up, hide under the covers and never leave the house again'

I wish my mum was here to buck me up or I wish someone would come along and fix this all for me.

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 17/12/2018 22:25

Go and see your gp. Don’t keep going till you break. We all have our limits and you have reached yours.

I really hope you feel better soon.

anatol · 17/12/2018 22:25

I was in a similar position with my work a couple of months ago. I can totally empathise with that constant 'I can't do this' in your head. I felt like I was going to break, but for different reasons to yours I felt I couldn't call in sick. I kept just telling myself 'just one more day and I'll see how it goes'. I genuinely thought there was going to be a day when I snapped but I just kept pushing through and now feel like I've made it out the other side. Still feeling stressed with a huge workload but my mental attitude has changed and I'm feeling much stronger about being able to manage it and in a much better place.
You could try just taking it one day at a time to try to make it through til Christmas. Try focusing on the things that are going to help you through. I made a conscious effort to start making time for myself and my hobbies (I had been avoiding social situations and shutting myself away as I got more stressed) and that massively helped.

CollyWombles · 17/12/2018 22:25

If you are going to stay at work, which I do understand, then you need to try your best to rest as much as possible when not in work. If you could at least see your GP and discuss how you are feeling, the GP may be able to advise and also perhaps some grief counselling?

PersonaNonGarter · 17/12/2018 22:27

Go to work but be kind to yourself. And book a bit more annual leave.

Disquieted1 · 17/12/2018 22:27

Try to make it to the weekend. A day at a time, an hour at a time. Try to legitimately go missing - training, visits to HR to confirm your payroll code, be inventive if possible.
I've seen so many people unfairly labelled as unable to cope when in fact their life has been crashing down around them. Career-wise they never recovered.

Original poster

YouCantPolishThis · 17/12/2018 22:28

The christmas thing is hard - I want to be with my siblings, I want to make it special for our DC and have this time as a family but at the same time it's a big reminder that she isn't here.

But it will be important for the kids to do it I think.

collyWobbles I hope you're feeling better now I am worried that this is pretty out of character for me. I am the coper. I am the one who does crisis well normally. I've never felt like giving up before but I just kee thinking'I can't do this anymore' about everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

YouCantPolishThis · 17/12/2018 22:32

I am worried about that Disquieted - even if it didn't cost me my job I'd hate to be seen as delicate in my workplace.

I'm a very private person. No one really knows what's going on.

I interviewed for this job the day after my mums funeral. In hindsight, it was pure distraction on my part but I can see it's not been a healthy way of coping this time.

OP posts:

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