Working mum, judgement from employee

[Spiceb]

I'd be really grateful for views / advice. I work in senior management role in public sector. I think previously well respected by managers and staff alike and also have reputation for being conpetent, dilligent, hard working.

I dropped to 4 days a week after birth of my daughter and dropped a level at work (my choice).

I work over my hours but have the standard challenges of working mum - ie occasionally (rarely) sick child means I need to WFH / leave early / can't do v late meets

Most staff fine but one of my staff (unmarried man, no children) is clearly not impressed and makes passive aggressive comments / rolls eyes when I have to admit I can't cover something on my non working day, or because of nursery drop off. Today was final straw - was questioned (politely but clearly questioned) about fact I have an annual leave day booked tomorrow (child's 2nd birthday, been booked for 12 months). I feel really upset because actually I pride myself on working hard, and I protect my team / staff, including this man, and take work off them to make their lives better. He's crushing my self worth and I feel like I now how to justify every minute of my day to him. Any tips on how to handle. Do I confront or do I just accept this is what happens when you move to part time?

I am of the opinion that childcare issues should not interfere with a working day unless it has been agreed that the hours can be made up another time and it does not become inconvenient for other staff at any level. Woman rightly want equality but we should not expect equality plus.

Surely ‘equality plus’ isn’t childcare though? Time off for childcare should be seen as a parent’s responsibility - ie not seen as a bonus that only women expect.

Next time he does it, fold your arms, look down your nose with the haughtiest expression you can summon and say:

"I beg your pardon???"

I'd address it by having a meeting with him with a neutral third party present in the room to note what has been said. That's what happens with similar issues where I work (also public sector), for the avoidance of doubt in the future. He's behaving unacceptably, sounds like it's bullying.

I am of the opinion that childcare issues should not interfere with a working day unless it has been agreed that the hours can be made up another time and it does not become inconvenient for other staff at any level.

You can be of that opinion as much as you like, but I work in a public sector org too and it just doesn't work like that.

Quizqueen - I think it depends a lot on the workplace. My company offers two days emergency dependent leave for everybody, children, parents, spouses. After that it depends on the circumstances if you’re u get additional paid leave or you have to use annual leave/unpaid leave.

I know colleagues who used it for child care falling through like closed schools, ill childminder or ill children. I also know colleagues who used it when the spouse or parent had to go to hospital or went home due to Help parents after a burglary.

It is give and take. A good team can handle emergencies as everyone has them.

I think it’s really easy to have a crisis of confidence when you go back to work. I’m beginning to realise that there will be people that think you’re slacking for even considering part time work. I’m debating going full time because I’ve felt it so strongly from senior people. I’ve also come to realise working on your non-working days isn’t actually appreciated and you have a slippery slope of people expecting you to be around all the time.

Despite all of the above, I wouldn’t take that crap from someone more junior to me, especially not in relation to justifying my annual leave. Sometimes you miss important things through no fault of your own. I booked a terrible week of annual leave last year but I couldn’t have known that a year in advance when I booked and I certainly wasn’t going to cancel my holiday. Lives just carries on and others pick stuff up.

Confront the necky (& junior) twat & tell him to wind his neck in so sharply you can hear the tendons pop. Then punch him (in your head).

One of our juniors used to whine about me being LTFT. She also used to complain when we had other commitments that took us off the ward. She was very unsure of herself and didn’t like being left without somebody to run things past (although she wasn’t left unsupervised, this was stuff like me leaving to go to a meeting upstairs for an hour). She also thought “me having responsibilities in my job plan that were things other than me directly supervising her” was me skiving off the ward for fun. Things like clinics, procedure lists, MDTs, you know, core parts of my job.

I have no idea if your employee can’t cope without you, or if he is just a twat. Probably the latter. But I would treat it as if he is incompetent and needs extra support, because if his bleating is portrayed as him being a weak employee who needs constant hand-holding he is much more likely to cut it out.

So next time you have a day off, deputise one of his colleagues as his mentor so that “when he needs help he knows who to go to”. When he makes a comment, say “don’t worry Chris, I’ll leave really clear instructions for you so you know EXACTLY what you’re doing, and you can always ask Samantha if you aren’t sure”.

If he queries why you are doing it, tell him it’s because he always seems so anxious when you aren’t on site and clearly needs more handholding than the other team members “but that’s fine until we get you up to speed, I’m happy to offer you the extra support until you are confident managing your own workload”.

Best case scenario: he stops. He’ll still be a little snake so he’ll need watching, but you’ll have won this battle. Worst case scenario: he carries on, but nobody pays any attention because he’s a poor performer. It’s possible that he’ll push back and say he thinks you’re lazy/women shouldn’t work/whatever, but open insubordination is much easier to deal with than constant little snipes.

You say you sometimes need to WFH/leave early/can't work very late - what is the impact on your team of those restrictions? Is it important in your line of work for someone to be present on site/work late? If so, does that mean someone else is effectively picking up your slack?

If someone else has had to adjust their hours to cover for you, can you engineer it so no one has to adjust their hours? For example, if leaving early is a problem because you miss meetings, can you rearrange those? If people are in the habit of requesting work late in the day, can you retrain their behaviour so they ask you to do work earlier in the day when you can actually do it?

You say that you take work off your team to make their lives better - how visible is this? Particularly if you're working from home more? Is it feasible to have regular team catch ups, discuss what everyone is doing and reallocate work, so people know that work is being fairly redistributed and you are pulling your weight?

When you're working from home, can you be more available via email/phone/company messenger? Rather than just getting your head down and working on your own stuff, can you ring in and talk to people about shared projects?

It's not just about you actually working hard, but about you being perceived to work hard.

I'm not saying that you have to be in the office all the time, but if you work from home more than your colleagues, you have to work harder to have your efforts noticed. There is something very true about out of sight, out of mind.

PS He might just be a jerk.

Definitely don’t work on your non-working day - you are not contracted or paid to work it. Sounds like you need to have a clear conversation with him to say that you’ve noticed his attitude to part time and flexible working, they are a key part of your companies culture and employment package and as such any further negative remarks on the subject to yourself or any other colleagues will be considered bullying and subject to your companies disciplinery policy. If he feels he can’t cope with his role with you unavailable on one working day a week you will look at how to manage that with him - demotion, transfer to a role where he can have closer support if he can’t work without it etc.
You are his boss, you need to stop this now before he ends up managing other people and making their lives a misery.

Don’t explain yourself to him. Clearly outline the thing he has done that is unacceptable. Say it is unacceptable. Ask him if he’d like to say anything. Listen but don’t respond. Tell him you have listened. Tell him the rest of his work is of a good standard so you are prepared to let this unacceptable behaviour go this time. Tell him what you expect him to do/how you expect him to behave. Leave.

When I was getting grief at work for being part time, my DH used to remind me that no one was actually working full time - ie 24 hours per day, 7 days a week. Full time was just a contracted number of hours. Similarly, part time is just a contracted number of hours. No less commitment.

You're his boss, don't stand for it. I would absolutely pull him up on it, every time.

I don’t understand whether he actually questioned you politely (as you say) eg why do you have annual leave tomorrow? Or he questioned you eg why are you allowed to haveeave this week when we’re busy?

Only asking as I wonder if it’s partly your perception of his questions. If he only asked, why do you care?

I'm with all the pp here too.

1. Your staff were hired to do a job, so make sure they all do it. You do not need to overcompensate for having a little one by taking work off their plate!

1. Pull tank on this sad little wanker of a 'team member'. Remind him you are senior to him whether he likes it or not and for bloody good reason. So much so in fact, that you are able to work over fewer days because you are respected and trusted.

1. Let's hope he wants annual leave during a business critical time and it gets refused.

You're a boss in every sense of the word. At work, at home and in your life. Remember that and start holding yourself like the fantastic woman you are. Little skid marks like this saddo will soon barely register to you!

sparky no one has the right to question why someone might have annual leave... it's one thing to say "oooh you doing anything nice?" But I doubt this is the case here.

I'm part-time but my hours are spread over the working week and I'm fed up of hearing "oooh you're never here!" From a certain newly qualified colleague... I've laughed it off so far but one day soon I'm going to respond "yes and my part-time salary is still more than your full time one.."

Manage his behaviour. What would you do if he was eye rolling and making inappropriate comments to other team members or other issues? You’d take it up with him in his performance review meetings (I assume you have them - if not why not?). If his behaviour isn’t overt enough then you’ll need to do as other posters have said - call him out on the eye rolling when it happens, say “do you have something to add?” He’ll either say nothing or say something overtly inappropriate and which you can discipline him for.

This needs to be nipped in the bud pretty sharpish. You don't know what he is saying to other people about you behind your back outside your contracted hours. He is probably trying his hardest to undermine you in the eyes of other staff. Some people get a kick out of doing that sort of thing, and if he is bold enough to challenge you to your face, then who knows what goes on when you aren't there.

Sashkin, just upthread, has nailed it. Really good advice, I love it.

Sashkin I think with this particular individual you are spot on. Thanks to you and absolutely everyone for such helpful advice. Really appreciate and will implement

You don't owe him an explanation. Get in contact with HR

I had this at my old workplace where a child free wan gave me hassle for child related leave. I bided my time and ignored her mostly but just waited for an opportunity to present itself. It did in the form of drink, this colleague enjoyed boozy lunches. So I made sure that every time she returned from her "lunches" there was a meeting or an accounts based work & report for her to do. She couldn't hide her hangover and her standard of work slipped & I made sure that the boss was around to see her in that state. I would alse make reference to her hangovers when she was sober. Eventually she, was fired after turning up drunk to our agm.

Wait your turn and pull him up in public every time he makes a mistake.

As a fellow senior manager I’m not sure why you’re even upset by this.

Why does it bother you beyond thinking someone in your team is a bit of a knob? Don’t let him get under your skin.

If anyone in my team made such comments I’d just smile at them

It’s important for working parents not to overly apologise for having other commitments relating to children. You wouldn’t make a big deal of say medical appointments or being off for a partners birthday.

I discussed this very issue with someone very senior in the big 4. She worked four days a week and made no bones about not working Fridays. We both agreed that these were our non-working days not “days off”.

This is a management issue, so as a PP said, manage it. 1. Conversation pulling him up on the behaviour, and making expectations clear (on his work and comments on your or others’ work patterns or annual leave). 2. (If happens again) Conversation followed up by email confirming what he did, your discussion and that it wasn’t acceptable.

As this seems to have got to you, suggest working on your self confidence and “resilience”.

Just be careful as he sound like the type to point out to everyone that you have taken leave ‘again’.
This type tries to undermine working mothers, often because they want your job.