Working mum, judgement from employee

[Spiceb]

I'd be really grateful for views / advice. I work in senior management role in public sector. I think previously well respected by managers and staff alike and also have reputation for being conpetent, dilligent, hard working.

I dropped to 4 days a week after birth of my daughter and dropped a level at work (my choice).

I work over my hours but have the standard challenges of working mum - ie occasionally (rarely) sick child means I need to WFH / leave early / can't do v late meets

Most staff fine but one of my staff (unmarried man, no children) is clearly not impressed and makes passive aggressive comments / rolls eyes when I have to admit I can't cover something on my non working day, or because of nursery drop off. Today was final straw - was questioned (politely but clearly questioned) about fact I have an annual leave day booked tomorrow (child's 2nd birthday, been booked for 12 months). I feel really upset because actually I pride myself on working hard, and I protect my team / staff, including this man, and take work off them to make their lives better. He's crushing my self worth and I feel like I now how to justify every minute of my day to him. Any tips on how to handle. Do I confront or do I just accept this is what happens when you move to part time?

Do not justify yourself. He's a dickhead and is taking your kindness for weakness. Tell him off publicly every time he tries this shit.

Please don't go to HR! They will think you are weak and can't manage your team - and they'd be right, I'm afraid.

Why are you letting him get away with this behaviour? And why are you letting it upset you so much?! You're the boss, so behave like it. Get your staff to do their jobs, and stop taking work off them to make their lives better. You need to think about your own life.

Good luck. He sounds like a prize twat!

I would definitely have it out with him. He is acting like you're on paid holiday on your non working day, not seeming to realise you do more than you're paid for.

I would make a note and sit him down and say you've noticed he's said a few things now and why does he keep bringing up part time work / childcare etc. Ask him how he feels it actually impacts on him and his work the two days a year when you've had to leave early. Point out the company policy on flexible working or similar (well-being policy, wprk life balance etc) and show how you adhere to it by making up the hours. I'd say his comments come across as him having an issue and say you don't want to see him being pulled up for discrimination and see what he says.

If he still goes on I think you will have to go to hr or tell him you will, look at it from the point of view if he is like this to his own boss, what's he going to be like if someone else in the team becomes a parent or has to change their working hours for something like looking after an elderly relative, or they have a disability or something. He is going to make them feel awful. I think it's best to show him this type of behaviour won't be tolerated

Unfortunately some people think having a family shouldn't impact on work at all - ie one parent has to stay at home. They clearly haven't thought about the impact this would have on the wider economy and immigration etc

Can you bring him in for a meeting? Pull rank, tell him it's not his place to question you and you'll not tolerate the attitude.
Don't go to HR just remind him of his place.

Wow...has this guy ever heard of work/life balance?!
Your family are the best thing that has ever happened to you...not your job. Remember that and never let anyone crush your self worth. I would prepare the conversation you want to have. I find with difficult conversations it helps me to write a script, then brief bullets so that I dont forget to cover anything.
good luck

Def call him on it. He's completely unjustified and shouldn't go unchallenged.

Why are you upset? It’s none of his business what you do on your time outside of work, and if there was any hint of judgement then I would be telling him that.

And this guy is unmarried?! I wonder why.

I would make a note and sit him down and say you've noticed he's said a few things now and why does he keep bringing up part time work / childcare etc. Ask him how he feels it actually impacts on him and his work the two days a year when you've had to leave early. Point out the company policy on flexible working or similar (well-being policy, wprk life balance etc) and show how you adhere to it by making up the hours.

PLEASE don't do this!

It's acting like his opinion on this matters! It doesn't! Not. One. Jot.

What people do on their day off is their business but I am of the opinion that childcare issues should not interfere with a working day unless it has been agreed that the hours can be made up another time and it does not become inconvenient for other staff at any level. Woman rightly want equality but we should not expect equality plus.

Eye roll ask if there something in his eye.
Questioning you either ignore or faux sympathy say don't worry if you need any help x will be standing in for me I am sure you will be fine. Any other problems I am sure can wait until I am back.
Have a meeting with him and say you have noticed he seems unhappy when you take your days off and annual leave and are worried he lacks the confidence to manage whilst you are away and does he want to go in any courses to help with this. Or play it the other way and say he does not appear to be a team player and seems to visibly resent others taking their time off. You can bet if he is doing it to you he is doing it 10 times worse to people he actually has seniority over.

He's a twat. There is nothing wrong with you taking a days annual leave for whatever the fuck you want it for. It's your leave. You are not contracted to work on your non working day either. It sounds like they are getting a good deal having you in this position and that you are a lovely person who protects her team and works hard.

Good luck and don't feel down.

I have a similar guy in my team. He is a unofficial manager, not able to say anything disciplinary but responsible for running of day to day stuff as our manager is at a different location.

I work 3 days and he is clearly unhappy when I call in when DD is ill, have to leave early due to school stuff or take a day annual leave unless I go away or it is on the school holidays or even worse had to have emergency doctor’s appointments.

In the past I was always happy to swap days but got really fed up with his attitude. He questioned me more than once why DH didn’t cover and was unhappy when I said that he had meetings he couldn’t shift or working abroad. He thinks as DH works from home he should cover all child related issues. At one point I exploded and told him that as long as I don’t abuse the system I have the same rights like any full time staff.

We are talking of 3-5 days a year!

The irony is now that he and his wife are just approved as adoptive parents. I do hope they are matched with a lovely child and be a great family but I think he will realise that even with a SAHM you may have to cover emergencies.

Do have a meeting with your colleague, tell him to say when exactly your performance wasn’t up to standard due to you not being at work. Your annual leave is not of his business as long as you don’t bring the company in disrespect. If he doesn’t stop bring it up with HR.

But you should think about your availability as well, unless agreed or in an emergency I wouldn’t be a available at all.

It doesn’t matter what reason your leave is booked for... you could be sitting around in your pants watching darts on TV for all it concerns him. I would also go for the “ is there a problem “ tactic too if he starts with his comments / eye rolling I wouldn’t get into a big explanation about birthdays etc etc. I’m a bit fearful that you not being able to manage this issue might be indicative of your general abilities as a manager - or how you are perceived by your team as a manager in any case. It’s fine to be laid back and friendly but people won’t respect you if they see a team member walking over you.

I've got a couple of mates, male and gay and single, and they haven't a bloody clue about what its like to have children around at all!

So perhaps not that surprising. Best bet is to put this wally straight an in no uncertian terms else he'll be a PITA to most anyone else!

I like 2isus2 ‘s approach. And agree if he is doing it to his manager the risk is he is even worse with those he is senior to.

I assume he knows 4 days a week = 80% pay and doesn’t think you are just taking the piss, booking non existent ‘leave’ etc?

And don’t raise with HR unless his reaction to the chat needs outside involvement, you can handle this on your own. You look to them a d him as if you can’t handle a minor issue if you involve them at this stage.

Thanks again for all the advice - it's given me a clear plan for the next conversation with him, and wider thoughts about how I manage whole team. I really appreciate.

Quiz queen - thanks, and I agree, but that's what made me so upset - I don't let unplanned childcare issues get in the way!

“Do you question all the staff about their working patterns or just me?”

Call him out on it. Every. Single. Time. If nobody else has a problem with it they’ll be happy to see it.

What he is doing in unfair on you and he should be called to account for this. However, as his manager you need to question why he feels this way about this.

Is he asked more often than others to cover at short notice because he has no children? Does his workload increase when someone else takes time off for their family yet he is not given any time back or money to accommodate this? Is the fact that he is childfree and single used to portray he has no reason to say no to additional hours? Does your workplace inadvertently portray that his time is less important that that of a parent? Is priority given to parents for things such as holiday leave during school holidays/Christmas etc? Basically, do the actions of others make him feel like he is 2nd class in the workplace because he is not a parent and is he getting pissed off at this. It does not excuse his actions but I have experienced all of this and can say that 'family friendly' is often at the detriment to those without children.

What's your AL for?
This is relevant to you because?

Why can you not work that day?
I have my reasons.

I really don't understand why you are justifying yourself to this person, because it's none of his damn business. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone aside from your superior. You put in the request, it was accepted end of discussion.
You cannot work on your day off, news flash, its fuck all to do with him and millions of people cannot simply work on their day off and why should they?

God, I've worked with someone like this. Childless by choice and convinced parents get an easy ride of it (if only!). It's just one of the ways they show they're no good at teamwork.

You've had some good advice, speak to HR and/or your manager and come up with a plan to stamp down on his subordination. It's bad enough he's saying it to you but imagine if he said it to someone junior who feels even more vulnerable.

Has he ever needed a bit of flexibility? Boiler on the blink, car broken down, cancelled train, doctors appointment? To me, it's about being fkexible regardless of whether you are a parent or not, everyone has times when they need a bit of leeway here and there. As long as you give the team some flexibility, then they shpuld have nothing to grumble about. I don't mean the fact you work fewer hoyrs on paper, but the give and take when child is sick etc.

I'd give short shrift to anyone questioning my committment to the job purely based on hours at my desk.

Please don't go to HR! They will think you are weak and can't manage your team

I think this depend on which area of the public sector you work in? For my department, if you wanted to start any formal management procedures such as documented conduct discussions then the first step in the chain was to speak to HR so that they could advise you on the correct policy and make sure you adhered to it. Our depa

You’ve got to confront, not just for yourself, but for (a) other parents this person is also bullying and (b) other team members whose opinions he may be influencing with his ridiculous views. I was in a very similar position to you, with a junior guy who regularly bemoaned the fact that he was “bearing the burden” for senior women at home reading stories at 7pm - never mind that those women all logged on after they were done with their children, got in earlier than him in the morning, took shorter lunch breaks, not to mention the efficiency that comes with seniority, etc. After a long time of simmering resentment I confronted him - I wish I’d been braver, sooner.

Our department was union-heavy so there was a lot of emphasis on making sure all the appropriate boxes were ticked!