Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be slightly sad re nativity play?

32 replies

Ironfloor269 · 17/12/2018 14:37

DD's school do a joint nativity play with year 3 & 4. They had auditions a few weeks ago for thr main, meaty roles. DD was very excited, rehearsed her lines at home. She didn't get selected. Not surprising, as she is one of the very quiet girls and there are other girls who are much better on stage anyway. So it's totally reasonable that they should get the main roles.

Then they asked the children who wanted minor roles (I.e. dancers, non speaking roles) to put their hands up, a few days after the main auditions. DD put her hand up. She didn't get any of those roles either. However, some of the girls who are as quiet as DD AND who didn't even audition, got these roles. DD is now a background singer. So no costume or anything.

I'm a bit sad as I feel her enthusiasm child have been rewarded by giving a minor, non speaking role. Just a costume and stand somewhere would have made her happy. She is gutted because she feels that her friends, who were not even interested enough to audition in the first place, got parts. DD is the only girl who auditioned and didn't get a part.

I'm entirely happy to be told that IABU. I know this is an extremely busy time for the teachers and they have a lot on their plates. I appreciate that this might have been an oversight. This is not the first time she got overlooked because of her quietness.

Thanks for reading. I'm just venting, I guess. It just makes me a bit sad.

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 17/12/2018 14:43

All I can say is that there will be plenty of performances of different things at school. Have a quiet word with the teacher in the new year. Also ask your dd to do a performance at home, maybe roping other family members in.
My dd is now y7. When she was y5 they helped y6 do a school end performance . One part was given to a reserved sort of girl. When she opened her mouth to sing it was like a Susan Boyle moment. Still gives me goosebumps. It was a well judged leap of faith by the teachers.

Snowwontbelong · 17/12/2018 14:45

Get some tinsel for her hair /hairband. . Tell her Santa will therefore know she is on the good list!!

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 17/12/2018 14:47

YANBU. My eldest is a shy girl and easily overlooked. It hurts to see them disappointed and it really isn't hard to create roles! Every child in DD's year had a "role" and a costume this year. There were pigs and cows and 10 "little stars" and 10 angels and loads of townspeople but they all had a role and a costume.

Original poster
Ironfloor269 · 17/12/2018 14:48

Thanks, @belinisurge. Part of me wonders whether I should have a quiet word with the teacher about it. But this is the teacher who chose the children for the characters so would it go down well? I don't want to be that parent.

OP posts:
Joinourclub · 17/12/2018 14:51

I’d feel sad too. The quiet but nice children can get overlooked. I think in primary school if somebody wants to perform then that should be encouraged and it would taken little effort to create an extra Shepard or two.

Original poster
Ironfloor269 · 17/12/2018 14:52

@youreggnogg, that's exactly how I feel. DH thinks we should let it go as these little disappointments will prepare her for life iykwim. I totally agree, but at the same time, can't help but feel gutted. It's not like she wanted a big part with lots of lines. She just wanted to be noticed and rewarded for her enthusiasm...

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 17/12/2018 14:55

@Ironfloor269 , you aren't That Parent. You're speaking up for your dd. Do it after Christmas in a low key way.

Orchidflower1 · 17/12/2018 14:56

Is she y3 or y4? In my ds school they do paired year groups but the older ones always got bigger parts with the assumption the younger ones get it next year. Ie y3 small y4 big y5 small y6 big- could this be the case?

ShatnersWig · 17/12/2018 14:57

It hurts to see them disappointed and it really isn't hard to create roles!

See I fence sit on this. Life IS disappointing. Children are NOT always going to get what they want. It's just as much a lesson they need to learn at school as maths. And I've seen it go too far the other way where poor teachers have such a hard time from some parents because their little precious bundle didn't get as many lines as someone else's little precious bundle, the poor teachers end up spending far too much time trying to create something where every little precious bundle gets one line each and gets to the point where it's barely even the nativity story!

Original poster
Ironfloor269 · 17/12/2018 14:58

@bellinisirge, thank you. That's what I was planning to do, but wasn't sure it's a good idea. Thanks for the reassurance. 😊

I was expecting a flaming tbh. Your replies are making me well up. In a good way. Thanks.

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 17/12/2018 14:59

I appreciate this is very disappointing and is not a fair way of dealing with primary school children. Really, everyone who wants a part should get one (just a small one if they are not the best actor).

I wouldn’t say anything to the teacher as then DD will know she only got the part because you made a fuss.

I think how DD feels about this will be greatly affected by how you react to it. I would firstly say to her that you are very excited to watch her as a backing singer and can’t wait to hear her sing for you.

Then frame the disappointment to her as a learning experience that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to but you can still make the best of things - ie she can make sure she knows all the words to the songs and comes across really well, even as a backing singer. Then she can use her disappointment to practice even more (does she have singing/dance/acting lessons? Or can she join a local junior AmDram group?) and then do better next time she auditions for something.

Original poster
Ironfloor269 · 17/12/2018 15:01

@orchidflower1, she is in year 4. Last year, on year 3, she had a small part but this year, no part. 😂

@shatnerswig, I agree. That's exactly what DH thinks, too. Which is why I'm not entirely sure whether I should bring it up with the teacher or not... maybe I shouldn't.

OP posts:
Joinourclub · 17/12/2018 15:05

Well yes life is disappointing, and yes there should be times that they fail at maths or spelling etc. But they do those all the time. Nativity plays only happens once a year, and having a role in that is the kind of happy memory that stays with a child for a long time. Being in the nativity play is one of my strongest memories from infant school!

Christmasgone2018 · 17/12/2018 15:05

I really feel for you. My first child, my dd was a lovely sweet, shy girl. Not once did she get picked for anything throughout her school life. I do honestly think it made her self esteem a little lower than it could have been. Then I had my son. A totally different child, outgoing popular and talented. He was picked for everything, always got the lead part in any production etc, it damm well wasn’t fair. No child should miss out and no child should get constantly chosen

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 17/12/2018 15:05

ShatnersWig

My precious bundle is in Yr1 and I don't need her to learn disappointment yet. And she doesn't need a line and she didn't get one. However, they all had a "part". DD was a sheep and she was a fabulous sheep. No lines, but she was a very very happy sheep. I'll say it again, it isn't hard to create roles. Lines and big parts, maybe, but just give them a role and a sheep mask ffs.

CherryPavlova · 17/12/2018 15:07

Children need to learn to cope with disappointment. Background singers are important to the team effort. Don’t say anything and explain to your daughter that yes, it’s tough but not everyone can be a star every time.

HestiaParthenos · 17/12/2018 15:10

It is unfair, but life isn't fair.

Make sure she knows that you notice her and appreciate her efforts.

Who knows, perhaps the unenthusiastic people who got non-speaking roles will end up ruining the play by looking too bored or distracted for plausbility and the teacher will learn a lesson.

HestiaParthenos · 17/12/2018 15:12

If she's very sad, tell her some tales about how it could be worse.

... I remember playing the back part of a horse. It was hot, stinky and I didn't even see the audience.

lavenderbluedilly · 17/12/2018 15:13

YANBU. Thankfully when DS was younger his school tended to do musical-style nativity plays, so all of Year 3 would be shepherds, all of year 4 would be angels, that type of thing.

ShatnersWig · 17/12/2018 15:14

but just give them a role and a sheep mask ffs

Oh come on, it's not like she's not involved. She's singing in the bloody thing! How dare the teacher not have the sense to make the singers singing SHEEP or STARS. Email the chair of governors immediately.

chumbal · 17/12/2018 15:15

I agree with the comments of many on this thread...

Life is disappointing and school prepares you for this

There will be other opportunities

They cannot make parts for everyone

However bu keep rewarding the louder, more confident children their confidence soars and the quieter children get overlooked Sad

In our school the same children tend to get chosen or the parts are handed out and then a couple of days later others parts get changed HmmMy quieter child thinks its amusing now. I guess as these kids get out in to the 'real' world Mum/Dad won't interfere so much then ! Well here's hoping Grin

I guess what I am saying is I feel your disappointment Thanks

DontCallMeCharlotte · 17/12/2018 15:15

If she's very sad, tell her some tales about how it could be worse.

Yeah. I had to be the narrator because I had a good speaking voice. No tinsel for me either Xmas Sad

HolesinTheSoles · 17/12/2018 15:33

I do think the nativity play (and other performances) are a good opportunity for those with stage presence to get a chance to shine but also for the more quiet shy children to boost their confidence and it's a shame when school don't try and do both.

notmagicanymore · 17/12/2018 15:34

Could you use this as a learning opportunity for DD? Could she politely ask the teacher why children who didn't audition got parts when she didn't? It's a reasonable question. If the teacher is reasonable (and s/he may not be) they should be prepared to answer it.

notmagicanymore · 17/12/2018 15:35

And yes, as others have said, life isn't fair but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to question those who appear to be treating you unfairly. Being able to politely assert yourself is a useful skill to learn.