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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does it have to be fair?

46 replies

pretentiousrubberduck · 17/12/2018 11:59

Every xmas, except last year, we spend xmas eve with my family, xmas day just us at home, and boxing day with pil. Last xmas we spent xmas eve at pil, woke up there xmas morning, had lunch and then drive the 2 hours to my mum's and stayed until the next day. It was so stressful (mil has a very strict itinerary that everyone has to stick to), and whilst the kids are good travellers, spending 2 hours of xmas day in the car and having to leave all their exciting presents at home seems unfair on them. So we're back to normal this year.

My question is; can we spend xmas with my family and not have to spend the next xmas with DH family? My mil has told me that if we go to my mum's one year, we have to go to hers the following year so it's fair. We live about 5 minutes away from MIL, we're all very close and I love them all very much. But my MIL doesn't cope very well with all 4 of her kids, their partners and their kids there all at once. She has a very strict schedule and everything has to be done the way they've always done it. For example, we have to open presents one at a time and FIL is the one who hands them out to everyone. It's a lovely idea, but now there's 20 odd of us, it took us from 7am until after lunch to finish opening all the presents. She got very stressed with the children and they weren't allowed to play with any toys until all the presents were opened. None of us really enjoyed ourselves and my husband has said we won't be spending another xmas day there.

In contrast, we got to my mum's and it was a lot more relaxed. My husband said to me how different it was to xmas with his mum and said he'd be happy to spend xmas day there again. If we did that though, my MIL would be so hurt if we didn't alternate. My husband thinks that it's not fair to us that she's the one that decides how we spend xmas, but it would be me that gets all the comments and digs from MIL about it. I also really don't want to upset her, and I completely get her point about it not being fair. But. We see her several times a week. We see my family every 8 weeks or so. Mil has caused a fuss before when she's tried to make plans and we've already had plans with my family. I'm starting to feel like it's not fairness she wants; she would rather just have us all to herself.

Would it be awful of us to spend a xmas day with my family and not spend the next one with mil? I would love to spend a xmas day with my mum and sisters, but DH is adamant he doesn't want to spend any more with his family. Boxing day is enough for him. I'm not sure what the answer is!

OP posts:

RedSkyLastNight · 17/12/2018 12:03

This is the precisely reason we spend Christmas Day on our own and see extended family on other days. DH and I would both happily spend Christmas Day with his parents, but neither of us could stomach it with mine. We thought it was too hurtful to actually say this though, hence we spend Christmas with neither set.

Original poster

pretentiousrubberduck · 17/12/2018 12:06

We've gone back to doing that this year, and had done up until last year. I threw caution to the wind and kept my fingers crossed for the best! My sister lives about 40 minutes away and only gets xmas eve and xmas day off this year, so she's spending it with us as it's too far to our mum's (She doesn't drive). Mil is not happy about it at all but I refuse to let my sister spend xmas day on her own.

OP posts:

Gatehouse77 · 17/12/2018 12:09

I'm afraid that I made it clear from the off to both sides of the family that we would decide each year what we were doing and wouldn't be caught in a trap of alternating.

PickledChutney · 17/12/2018 12:11

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do!! Spend the day at home every year if you want to, or with your own Mum etc. Your MIL is not the boss of you and it’s not up to you to buckle under to her ridiculous expectations. Stand up for yourself because nobody else will. Only compromise when you want to and it doesn’t cause too much hassle. The more you give in to her, the more she will expect. If you give an inch, people will take a mile...

Mulberry72 · 17/12/2018 12:12

You can do exactly as you wish. Xmas Day we alternate between DF & PILs, depends who’s going away etc.

Then Boxing Day the three of us stay at home, in our PJ’s eating cheese, chocolate and drinking (not DS obvs). We make it clear that we want to be left alone and no one bothers us, they all do their own thing.

Christmas is over for us by the end of the 25th anyway, and we go away on the 29th till after New Year anyway.

If you set your stall out and tell people how it’s going to be they soon get used to it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/12/2018 12:14

It's got nothing to do with MIL.

I understand the fairness thing but how far do you go with that? Do you start changing how often you start seeing her because you only get to see your family every eight weeks?

You and your DH need to do what you want to do. Forget MIL, I know you don't want to upset her but she sounds like she's going to get upset about anything that doesn't go her way.

Why is she upset you'll be seeing your sister? It's got nothing to do with her.

Sirzy · 17/12/2018 12:15

You don’t have to do anything. However I can see why it would be hurtful as a MIL you get on with to never get Christmas when the other grandparents do.

GemmeFatale · 17/12/2018 12:17

Just don’t tell her?

Confusedbeetle · 17/12/2018 12:17

There comes a time when you should have your own family Christmas day and see family other days. If your Mum lives near pop in to say hello for an hour and then go home for the day. Make an occasion of the days you see other families. Easy really, doesn't need to be Christmas day.

Oysterbabe · 17/12/2018 12:18

I think it would be very unkind to spend Christmas with your parents but never with the in-laws and I'd stick to spending it alone.

My husband's brother has a wife and who never wants to spend Christmas with his parents and they alternate between her parents and alone. My in-laws are very hurt by this. They are spending Christmas with us again this year. I hope my son chooses me a more reasonable daughter-in-law.

Drum2018 · 17/12/2018 12:23

You're an adult. You decide with your Dh what to do for your family Christmas. It's flattering that people want you to spend it with them on both sides of the extended family, but ultimately you need to suit yourselves. That scenario from last year sounds like a nightmare - no time for the kids to chill with their toys and all that driving would be, for me, a very stressful couple of days. Stay at home from now on. Invite people to yours if and when it suits you and then maybe travel to visit extended family for a few hours.

OliviaBenson · 17/12/2018 12:24

If your DH is happy not to go then that's fine.

You could try telling her why it's difficult at their house?

Original poster

pretentiousrubberduck · 17/12/2018 12:24

The fairness thing is only brought up when mil feels like she's missing out or if I've seen my sister two weekends in a row or something. She doesn't mind the fairness thing when it's her we're spending more time with, funnily enough! I do genuinely love her, this is honestly one of the only things I struggle with.
She assumed that we'd be spending xmas with her again this year and didn't take it well at all when I told her we were going back to usual. I don't even want to imagine her reaction if I told her we'd be spending it at my mum's! Even when she talks about us alternating every year, she always says the first year would be with her. She's just very possessive of us I suppose.

OP posts:

bilbodog · 17/12/2018 12:25

I refused to travel anywhere for christmas once we had children - in laws and my parents came to us if they wanted to. When my parents were spending Christmas with my sister they would come and see us earlier in december for a few days instead. Its your christmas - do what you want and MIL can come round to you if she wants to see you all.

Thissameearth · 17/12/2018 12:27

You want to spend it with your family. Your husband doesn’t want to spend it with his. Neither of you enjoyed it. It doesn’t sound like you want to spend it at home on your own so it seems obvious to go to your parents?

I think it’s terrible that your MIL will make the horrible comments to you not her own son. I don’t understand making yourself and your kids miserable for the sake of some perceived notion of fairness but even if you didn’t want to look at “fairness” - there is a difference in that you spend much more time day to day with your husband’s side of the family so use that when speaking to MIL but really I’d say it’s your husband’s job to speak to her. It seems to me like it’s a sort of mean, sexist, wife work type thing where you are to be brought into line and her son left alone to get on with important man stuff, god forbid the son should actually not want to put up with a dire xmas production (and it does sound like a production with FIL handing out presents as head of the family? Does he buy any of these gifts?)

HJWT · 17/12/2018 12:28

@pretentiousrubberduck so you spent Christmas morning with her next year and she expects you there again this ? Ridiculous I think at best u should spend the morning at yours mum and evening at MIL if she argues with that then tell her to get a grip 😂

brizzledrizzle · 17/12/2018 12:29

We always had xmas alone at our house once we had children and people who didn't like it just had to put up with it. It's only now that we live on the next road to one set of grandparents that we see them on xmas day.

Escolar · 17/12/2018 12:30

You can do what you want OP, but I can understand why MIL would be hurt if you spend Xmas with your parents and never with her.

Original poster

pretentiousrubberduck · 17/12/2018 12:31

There's no way mil would come to us, especially not just for an hour. They like to have a drink on xmas day (fair enough) and mil also likes to host. She would be very offended if we didn't spend a whole day together and she says our house is too small for that. My mum lives 2 hours away, so it's a bit far just to pop over for an hour, otherwise we would do that.
I'm not talking about spending every xmas with mum, just one more xmas day with her and my sisters whilst my kids still find xmas magical would be nice!

OP posts:

olivertwistwantsmore · 17/12/2018 12:31

Can't you talk to her and say you find her way of doing things on Xmas Day restricting and no fun? Ask her to be more relaxed, say it's natural for dc to want to play with their pressies after they've opened them.

Or you could say you have your own family now so you'll be making your own family traditions, like she and FIL had the chance to do.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/12/2018 12:32

Set a new tradition of having it at home. Invite the in-laws alternative years. I bet they won't come
Maybe visit every 2nd year on boxing day, or my case Saint Stephen's day

DavidPuddy · 17/12/2018 12:33

Perhaps a compromise would be for your MIL to come to you some Christmasses? Then she can spend time with you on the day, but things are done your way. Or go to her, but only part of the day.

Original poster

pretentiousrubberduck · 17/12/2018 12:34

@thissameearth FIL has no idea what any of the gifts are, he only buys for MIL! Dhhas commented before that his mum is the real head of the house, but she's very traditional and gets very prickly if anyone points that out to her!

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 17/12/2018 12:35

You have to be calm but firm with whiners like your MIL. If you keep smiling but refuse to budge, she'll get over her sulking in the end because she'll realise it isn't working.

justilou1 · 17/12/2018 12:38

Nope - tell her that fair is what YOU want to do, based on what YOU think is fair. They live five minutes away, and they can drop in before you leave for your family or wait until you're home. They get to see you all the time and your family doesn't. That's not fair.

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