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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does it have to be fair?

46 replies

pretentiousrubberduck · 17/12/2018 11:59

Every xmas, except last year, we spend xmas eve with my family, xmas day just us at home, and boxing day with pil. Last xmas we spent xmas eve at pil, woke up there xmas morning, had lunch and then drive the 2 hours to my mum's and stayed until the next day. It was so stressful (mil has a very strict itinerary that everyone has to stick to), and whilst the kids are good travellers, spending 2 hours of xmas day in the car and having to leave all their exciting presents at home seems unfair on them. So we're back to normal this year.

My question is; can we spend xmas with my family and not have to spend the next xmas with DH family? My mil has told me that if we go to my mum's one year, we have to go to hers the following year so it's fair. We live about 5 minutes away from MIL, we're all very close and I love them all very much. But my MIL doesn't cope very well with all 4 of her kids, their partners and their kids there all at once. She has a very strict schedule and everything has to be done the way they've always done it. For example, we have to open presents one at a time and FIL is the one who hands them out to everyone. It's a lovely idea, but now there's 20 odd of us, it took us from 7am until after lunch to finish opening all the presents. She got very stressed with the children and they weren't allowed to play with any toys until all the presents were opened. None of us really enjoyed ourselves and my husband has said we won't be spending another xmas day there.

In contrast, we got to my mum's and it was a lot more relaxed. My husband said to me how different it was to xmas with his mum and said he'd be happy to spend xmas day there again. If we did that though, my MIL would be so hurt if we didn't alternate. My husband thinks that it's not fair to us that she's the one that decides how we spend xmas, but it would be me that gets all the comments and digs from MIL about it. I also really don't want to upset her, and I completely get her point about it not being fair. But. We see her several times a week. We see my family every 8 weeks or so. Mil has caused a fuss before when she's tried to make plans and we've already had plans with my family. I'm starting to feel like it's not fairness she wants; she would rather just have us all to herself.

Would it be awful of us to spend a xmas day with my family and not spend the next one with mil? I would love to spend a xmas day with my mum and sisters, but DH is adamant he doesn't want to spend any more with his family. Boxing day is enough for him. I'm not sure what the answer is!

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/12/2018 12:38

MIL is going to have to compromise because this can't continue every Christmas.

None of you enjoyed it last year, so why put the kids through it again? Do what you'd like to do as a family.

You could have your family round one Christmas and you could invite your MIL next Christmas. You're keeping it fair, if she wants to turn it down then that's up to her.

Your life cannot revolve around your MIL and what keeps her happy.

I know it's tough, my MIL is similar. We stayed with my DM for a year whilst we saved up for a house, hers was close to where we work and my MIL lives 4 hours away. She then said that we had to go and live with her for a year because that would make it fair. Obviously that didn't happen but you need to do what's best for you and your family.

GraduationDilemma · 17/12/2018 12:46

I'm going to buck the trend and suggest YABU.

I don't think it is particularly fair for one set of grandparents to have all the fun stuff like this. The right thing to do would be to say that you'd love to come to hers but that things have to be more relaxed for the children. It's worth trying because this is your children's extended family and they won't be around forever.

Life isn't fair but at Christmas I'd be aiming for a bit of goodwill towards men at least!

Trinity66 · 17/12/2018 12:49

No one gets to tell you what is fair and how you should spend your Day. That's your choice. Personally I just prefer to stay home though

HJWT · 17/12/2018 12:51

I think you should go and spend it with your mum, you might of seen your mum last year but you didn't spend Christmas morning with them and have Christmas dinner so if MIL wants it to be 'fair' then what is fair is this year your mum & sis get to spend Christmas morning with you?? Then next year go back to what you used to do...

Original poster

pretentiousrubberduck · 17/12/2018 12:53

We probably will just keep doing it the way we usually do. It's just easier. We do love spending xmas at home, just the thought of one more xmas day in my childhood home was very tempting! It's not worth upsetting anyone over though. Thanks for the helpful comments though everyone.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 17/12/2018 13:05

We all go out together for lunch on Christmas Day, that's both sides of the family. People can go back to ddil's house afterwards, or go home and snooze. Then on Boxing Day we can drop in and see dgc again but eat at home. It works. No pressure.

AnotherPidgey · 17/12/2018 13:05

If people are going to be very rigid about what they expect and only offer one method to satisfy them, then they will be disappointed.

If she was more flexible about visiting you, or a shorter part of the day then she'd probably have a better chance of seeing you some Christmases.

We haven't spent Christmas Day with MiL. She has plenty of local family avaliable so with travel logistics involved, it's more than she's bothered about to put us up for a few days. She's happy to spend better quality of time with us at other times of the year when it's nicer to get out. She has a festive birthday so a couple of years ago DH spent a couple of nights there making sure he had a flight back for Christmas Day. She had the pleasure of giving the DCs their presents in the autumn, which was lovely because they had chance to appreciate them. We are all happy

RatherBeRiding · 17/12/2018 13:07

It's not up to anybody else how you and your DH and children decide to spend Christmas, and fairness has nothing to do with it. If you enjoyed it at ILs you'd want to be there. But you don't. Why should YOU have to suck up the lack of enjoyment just so MIL doesn't complain of "unfairness"?

Why can't you play the "it's not fair" card too? It's not fair you spend a significant proportion of Christmas day being bored witless whilst PILs enjoy their age old Christmas traditions at the expense of everyone else.

So, no, do your own thing. Christmas is a season and MIL needs to understand that you will see them at some point but not necessarily at her bidding.

MinecraftHolmes · 17/12/2018 13:14

I'd probably just not tell MIL where you are.

Fairness doesn't matter if your DH doesn't even want to go round. It's not like you're talking about not seeing her at all around Christmas - especially with her only living 5 minutes away.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 17/12/2018 13:18

If she is going to be rigid and inflexible about her Christmas Day schedule, then she cannot expect people to queue up to spend their time there - especially if they have young children.

Next time she brings it up, your DH needs to gently tell her this. That part of having a growing and extended family is adapting your traditions and habits so that everyone enjoys it. If she wants to stick to her ways then that's fine, but she needs to understand that it will mean you aren't there on the day.

Rachelle3211 · 17/12/2018 13:21

I think dh and the other kids tell her they want to change things in the morning with the presents. You can be firm and kind. If you generally like her she can't be all that bad. Maybe she'll surprise you.

RB68 · 17/12/2018 13:23

what she means is equal - tit for tat but that seems to exclude you spending time at home. I would go for one Christmas eve one boxing day and stay at home Christmas day - if you are keen then may be a drop in supper buffet - for a glass of wine and chit chat Christmas evening but I wouldn't do the present thing again - too many people and just not fair on the children being contained for 5 hours or present unwrapping, paper sorting and being grateful to everyone

SumitosIsMyWall · 17/12/2018 13:27

My MIL who I love dearly and ordinarily would jump through hoops for has really kicked off about Christmas this year.

We spent Christmas with her last year because it was her first as a widow, and it was a very recent bereavement. We thought it was the best thing to do so changed up our routine to spend the day at hers which also meant getting dressed!. It was actually a lovely day in a bittersweet way, but it wasn't my husband's or my idea of Christmas. We couldn't properly relax and straight away said we'd have Christmas at home this year and forever. Our children still thrive on the magic of Christmas and to be utterly selfish we want to cherish this and let them be free to do whatever they want for a day, which will probably be eating their body weight in chocolate and playing with their toys.

Despite always having BIL, SIL and their children round for Christmas apparently it's all ruined because it's not a "proper family" Christmas like last year.

Aside from what DH and I want, this would massively upset my parents if we spent every Christmas at MILs house.

So I really do empathise pretentiousrubberduck because like you I know that nothing short of doing exactly what MIL wants will be good enough and it's really tricky because it's upset her so much and I genuinely care about her. But you can't live a life in fear of upsetting someone else. Have the Christmas you want and just maintain the status quo for the rest of the year.

LizzieSiddal · 17/12/2018 13:28

Agree with Resistances about your mil being too rigid. I’d she’s going to expect people to do exactly what she instructs, on Xmas day, she can’t complain if her son and SIL, don’t want to go. The thought of spending all morning watching people open one present at a time, sounds like torture! And not letting dc play with toys they’ve just opened, is absolutely ridiculous.

Also next time she mentions about being “fair”, tell her nicely, that as you only see your parents once in 8 weeks and her, twice a week, you and your Dh, think it all worked out fairly in the end.

brownmoose · 17/12/2018 13:32

The simple answer is you can do whatever you want to do. It's your Christmas too.

Littleraindrop15 · 17/12/2018 13:40

I think its ubfair on your family they obly get to spend every 8 weeks so actually it would be much more reasonable to spend time at your families and see nils on boxing day

AcrossthePond55 · 17/12/2018 13:40

So, if you 'snuck away' from your house on Xmas Day after presents & breakfast to your parent's, would MiL even know?

We never had this problem as both sets of parents were local. My iLs traditionally celebrated on Xmas Eve, my family always did on Xmas Day. And our parents got on like a house afire so each always invited the other. My DB lived on the other side of the country (US) and rarely came home for Xmas, my BiL always spent Xmas Day with his iLs, so if we hadn't celebrated together one set of parents or the other would have been home alone on Eve or Day.

I never realized how very lucky we were until I joined MN.

Original poster

pretentiousrubberduck · 17/12/2018 13:43

Thanks, everyone, for being so nice to me about it. I wasn't sure whether I was being unreasonable or not, and I certainly don't want to upset my MIL (who is lovely the rest of the year, I promise!). Maybe we'll see her on xmas eve one year and head to my mum's on the afternoon of xmas day and stay overnight. I won't have to necessarily tell her we went 12 hours earlier than we usually do! I realise I'm being cowardly and avoiding the situation rather than dealing with it, but I don't think mil will take it well however we tell her. Thanks so much for all the advice!

OP posts:

GrumbleBumble · 17/12/2018 13:47

Ideally it should be fair - but remember fair doesn't mean the same. It would be unfair to decamp to your Mum's every year for a week and the in Laws never get to see their grandchildren over the whole Christmas period when they would like to. It wouldn't be unfair to stay at home every year and offer to host your parents one year and his the next (if they turn down the offer tough - you have asked which is fair). It would be fair to say "we are doing Christmas morning in our own home from now on but are happy to come to you in the afternoon/evening so you can see the DC's on the day".
My in-laws don't do presents until after lunch - it doesn't suit me I don't want over excited children looking at a pile of presents for hours on Christmas morning while they have nothing to do and aren't allowed to touch them so when we go to the in laws we do our/Santa/other already acquired presents at home in the morning (in PJ's with something totally unsuitable for Breakfast) and don't head over to the in-laws afterwards. It's about an 1 and 15 minute drive on Christmas day so we can be home until 12 and still easily make a 2 or 3 o'clock lunch.

Fatted · 17/12/2018 13:51

Do your own thing. Our DC are at the age now where it's much easier to just do our own thing at home. They want to be opening their presents at home and being able to play with them. We do take turns to visit family in the evening, but both our families live 5 miles down the road.

We didn't see my family last year until boxing day. My parents didn't bat an eyelid. When I grew up we just spent all day at home on Christmas. This year is the first year we're not going to see the in laws and I'm sure MIL will have something to say about it.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/12/2018 13:56

Well, if she does do a 'drive by' and notices your house is dark you can always tell her "Oh, Mil! Cousin Eggmont called DM that he was in town for a few hours on Xmas Day. I haven't seen him in donkey's years and he only had a few hours so we simply had to go early so I could see him!!". 😉

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