To feel railroaded into arrangement for Xmas 2019

[Stopmeifyouveheardthisonebefor]

Background. Myself, DH and teenage DC always spend xmas with ILs who live locally to us (they come to us). My elderly DF and SM live a 2 hour drive away from us and spend xmas with SM’s family who live locally to them. Me, DH and DC visit DF/SM and family for a pre xmas get together, most often the middle weekend of December. This generally seems to work for everyone.

A second xmas routine has also emerged where me, DH, DC, PIL, SIL and SIL’s DP all spend an early December weekend at a holiday complex resort (UK 1.5 hours away) where PIL have a time share. There are certain weekends of the year where the resort has “points free” weekends and so it is feasible for PIL to book 2 houses. This is obviously very generous of them although because of the December timing there is inevitably something else that has to be missed, etc.

My issue is that on Friday whilst being very busy with various stuff and not really being able to think anything through I got a text from DH saying that PIL needed to book the 2019 pre xmas weekend already and early December wasn’t available as a ”points free date” only the mid-13th-15th December 2019 weekend, which is nearly always the visiting my family weekend. I replied to DH saying “difficult to say no but really not convenient”, then got a text from MIL saying she needed an immediate decision or would lose the slot. I really didn’t have a moment right them (at work) to think/reply and then got further text from DH saying he had yes to date.

I mulled over and said to DH yesterday that I felt annoyed that we had been railroaded into committing to spending all of a prime 2019 pre xmas weekend with PIL a year in advance and that it could lead to awkwardness with my family (i.e. we already spend xmas with ILs and now are spending our usual pre xmas visiting weekend with ILs also.) DH completely did not get the point and said if it came to it I could go and visit my DF on my own and him and the DC could go on weekend away!

AIBU to be annoyed or am I being petty?

My questions would be:

Do your PIL want a financial contribution from you?

You say teenage children, will they have Mocks next year?

I would be grumpy as well. However, you have a long time to change the weekend. And perhaps your parents could come as well on the PIL weekend?

Yeah that's a bit annoying but there are other weekends in December to see them

You have a year to change the weekends around.

"Hi DF and SM, we're not available on our usual weekend in 2019 for Christmas meet up. We really value this time with you so would it be possible to confirm a weekend that would be convenient for us to come visit you?"

I can see why you're annoyed but it's easily resolved.

So you're getting a free trip and you're annoyed about it? You haven't made plans with your family yet and there are plenty of other weekends available, I'd imagine discounted weekends in December are hard to come by which is why they've booked so early. Be a little appreciative they've done something nice!

You are not being unreasonable. It's not that you are not pleased about the free holiday.... it's the being forced to make a rushed decision you didn't want to. I get it. However, leave it for now. Enjoy this Christmas. Then talk to your family about doing something different next year. Tell your oh that in future you don't want to be forced to make decisions like that.

General agreement i’m BU! It’s a free weekend but one I don’t particularly want especially not in December. Just venting on here. I’m always polite to PIL.

If that's the only weekend available, it's the only one available.

But I do think your DH is being unreasonable to assume that he is the one the children should go with, considering you will likely be spending Christmas with them, your family should get dibs on seeing the kids!

I think you need to speak to your family and arrange a different weekend to see them, or even look at you spending Christmas with them as your ILs have the weekend before Xmas.

I'm sure you can figure something out with over a year to plan.

I would not like it...

So you arrange to see your parents on the next weekend or the weekend before for the pre-Christmas visit? Not sure I'm seeing the issue here. It's still only one weekend in December and you have a year to plan around it.

You feel railroaded because you have been! You have my sympathies. I wouldn't like it either.

My PIL do this use "free" holidays / offers of £££ to get their own way about things drives me nuts. I put my foot down after being railroaded into spending whole summer holidays two weeks leave in a gorgeous but isolated totally non child friendly luxury cabin thing.it may have been free but I was miserable.

And next year because you have agreed to this new tradition your week end in 2020 will be out the window also...

I don't really see what difference it makes, just swap weekends. Y ou have plenty of time to tell your family.

I'd be a bit narked about it to, but I do think people get a bit hung up on precise dates to be spent together etc, but then I've had a few decades ro get used to my husband's odd working days so, probably just me who is fine with it.

If that's the only weekend available, it's the only one available.

Annoying, but I don''t see why you can't organise to see your family on a different weekend. It is almost a year away afterall.

Mil says its the only week end.......

Could you not see your parents Dec 21&22 next year? Or gasp, switch it up and see them at Christmas? I agree re railroaded and I’d try and see my parents closer to Christmas for balance. I would definitely be pissed if my dp suggested the children skip going to my parents for Christmas!

If your own DF can’t prioritize you and your family over Christmas, why do you owe them any kind of ‘tradition’? Tell him you can’t make it this year.

Maybe arrange Christmas Day 2019 with your family? You are seeing your ILs a week or so before for a mini Christmas then you can swap it around next year.

Regardless of a weekend away, picking all the popular dates for one side of the family is a bit unfair. Tell everyone 2020 you are having Christmas just your immediate family.

Who knows what will happen between now and Xmas 2019. Put it out of your head until next September and make a decision then on whether or not you want to go. That will give enough notice for your family to arrange your meet up for a different weekend, or for you to pull out of the weekend with IL's and let your Dh go himself.

I would not go to my in-laws every single Christmas if you paid me. That sounds really unfair.

picking all the popular dates for one side of the family is a bit unfair - also part of why I felt annoyed I think

totally get how annoying this is, free holiday or not.
i hate being made to commit to plans really far in the future, but especially at that time of the year.
the further you get into december, the more you have to do and the more invites you get to various parties etc.

my dm insisted i had agreed to go to the panto 3 hours away from 'home' despite this being my first xmas home in years and being desperate to go to the girls annual christmas night which i also haven't been to in years. i never would have agreed to this, plus anytime i agree to anything, especially very far in advance, it goes straight in my diary. funnily enough, not in my diary. she also didnt get a ticket for dp, so he has to entertain himself whilst we all go out... ugh sorry off topic, but basically i feel your pain.

i think the main problem is your dh agreeing to it but you should have been more assertive and said- she'll have to wait, lets discuss later. you didn't really tell him no. i mean how many people are sat booking their trips for next december? ugh

good luck...

a whole year to get out of it ;)