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Original poster

Tattoos - who is right?

66 replies

thetis · 17/12/2018 09:46

Last night my nearly-20 year old daughter was lying on the sofa in her pjs and didn't realise the top had ridden up, exposing a medium sized tattoo (a quote from a song) under her bust. My husband saw it and stormed out. I went upstairs and told him that I found out last year, but didn't tell him because he hates tattoos and I think it's her body and not our business. This morning he is still really angry, both with her and with me for not telling him. But this is why I didn't tell him!

OP posts:

purplelass · 17/12/2018 13:19

I think it depends on whether it's the secrecy or the tattoo he's angry about.

Does she normally tell him absolutely everything? And do you? If so, then I could understand him being miffed that you've both kept something from him I guess.

If it's the fact that she's had a tattoo that he's angry about then I totally agree with PP who've said it's none of his business as it has no effect on him whatsoever!

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 17/12/2018 13:20

@InSightMars
Her body, her right as an adult to do as she wishes. That said, I don't like being put in a position whereby I'm expected to keep secrets from DH or anyone close that it's likely they will find out later and I get the backlash when they do. DD should have told dad at the same time she told mum, or not told mum either. He still wouldn't have been happy but by now he'd have gotten over it and he wouldn't now be questioning what else OP might be hiding from him.

I don't get this - as a daughter or as a mother. I have an entirely different relationship with my mum than I do my dad because... they are not one person!

Why should it be tell both or none? That's weird.

I also hope when my daughter is older she would be comfortable enough to tell me her deepest secrets knowing that I wouldn't break her trust by telling her dad if she didn't want me to! Especially things that he would have no right to know or have a say in ... such as what she does with her own body.

CoughLaughFart · 17/12/2018 13:20

He has been offering financial subsidy for a year without having all the relevant information.

This is a very worrying position to take on a young woman’s independence. You’re effectively saying she’s under his control until she has her own place. It would be different if he had given her the money for the tattoo after she’d claimed it was for something else, then yes, he’d have a right to be angry. If she asked to borrow money because paying for the tattoo had left her short, of course he’d have every right to refuse. But she doesn’t have to run every purchase past him for approval.

Where would it end? If the OP is a housewife, for example, does she have zero control over their finances because it’s her husband who pays the mortgage? My house was partly paid for through an inheritance from my grandmother. Do I have to always behave in a way of which she’d approve because she effectively helped pay for the house?

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/12/2018 13:21

why did you need to tell him she'd had it done in the first place ? it's not your place or business nor his what she does with her body. a tattoo is not hurting anyone else. he sounds like he doesn't like the idea she's a grown up woman and not his little girl anymore, that is a bit worrying imo.

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 17/12/2018 13:30

@paintinmyhairAgain
She didn't tell him. "My husband saw it and stormed out"

katseyes7 · 17/12/2018 13:32

My best friend is nearly 50. She has tattoos on her arms and back that her mum doesn't know about. When l go round l always know if we're going to her mums by the way she dresses.
l can't quite get my head around it. Why is it anyone else's business if you choose to do something to your body that doesn't affect them? lf it can be covered up, what's the problem?

He has been offering financial subsidy for a year without having all the relevant information. What?! So he'll support HIS OWN (admittedly, adult) CHILD so long as it's his way or the high way? lt's a shame he doesn't have anything serious to think about. That might put things into perspective for him. She's a young woman. lt's not on her face, or anywhere visible. l'd be asking why he thinks he can behave like a stroppy toddler over something that's really none of his business.

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/12/2018 13:34

when sorry, we know she didn't tell him that she knew but why should she feel the need to tell him anyway ?

MissRhubarb · 17/12/2018 13:37

I've always found it weird when men react like this re. their daughters. A friend's husband was incredibly angry and sulked for a week after he found out his daughter had got her ears pierced (16 years old). My friend admitted she was worrying about telling him because of how he'd react. The dad of my daughter's friend was angry and upset when she got her long hair cut off age 13 and blamed (+ sulked and punished) the mum for letting her. It makes me really uncomfortable as it's seeing your daughter's body as your property in some way. At 13 I thought surely she is in charge of her own hair. In general though it's surely our bodies and we can do what we want with them.

DioVelazquez · 17/12/2018 13:45

I wonder how many people saying he should have a say in whether she gets tattooed while he's financially supporting her would say the same thing if he was flying off the handle because she got her hair cut, or her nails done, or bought a new pair of jeans that he didn't like, etc.

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 17/12/2018 13:45

@paintinmyhairAgain
I'm with you - she definitely shouldn't. Actually find some of the responses on here insane and can't quite believe any woman would agree with him!?

ThanosSavedMe · 17/12/2018 13:46

Your dh is out of order.

Your dd is not his property. It’s her body.

katseyes7 · 17/12/2018 13:48

l got my navel pierced and a tattoo on my back when l was 40. My mother said "well it doesn't matter what l say, you'll do what you like!
"
Damn right. l'm an adult and l don't see how it affected her, or indeed, was even any of her business. lt wasn't like anyone was going to see them in an everyday situation. l think she gave up when l got one on my wrist (l have more now!) but even my manager at work said she liked it (Latin script).
lt astounds me why parents think they can dictate what their adult children do. They may not like it, but unless they're harming someone or themselves, it's really none of their business. l'd be more concerned about a father who thought he could lay the law down with an adult offspring. lf he carries on like this he may find she distances herself from him, and he'll only have himself to blame.

Cautionsharpblade · 17/12/2018 14:38

Also tattoos dont hide skin cancer. Another weird assumption

Just something a consultant plastic surgery specialising in skin cancer told me. I’ll tell them Mumsnet says it’s not true!

InSightMars · 17/12/2018 14:41

wheneverythinggoestitsup Please. This isn't about intimate confidences about periods or other female specific issues shared between DD and mum that dad would have no understanding or experience or indeed interest in. This isn't about that - DD didn't tell him because she knew he'd get upset not because it was some inner sanctum feminine mystique issue.

A tattoo is like any other lifestyle choice that some approve of, some disapprove of, you either share it or you don't but don't share it with your mum when you know she'll then also share the fallout when the shit inevitably hits the fan. Have the courage of your adult convictions, face it head on, tell him, tell him he gets no say and get it out of the way.

They didn't tell him because it would make him angry? Yeah, and he's angry now so what did you gain except a year to worry about him finding out.

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 17/12/2018 15:53

@InSightMars
Surely as an adult the point is she can share whatever information about herself with whoever she wants to. She should not have to share with Dad just because she wants to share with Mum.

She also didn't tell him because she didn't want him to know, nor did he need to know.

The Dad in the OP is a dick. Mum and daughter clearly already know that, hence not including him in the first place. But to say that "DD should have told dad at the same time she told mum, or not told mum either" is ridiculous. She can tell who she wants when she wants, she can also do so in confidence if she wishes. Again - they are 2 separate people, not one because they happen to be married.

I have done things in the past that my Dad probably wouldn't approve of, but that my Mum is aware of, however - if my Dad then found out about something that was literally nothing to do with him, even though he didn't approve, he wouldn't be angry at my Mum for keeping my secret.

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2018 16:03

Her body, her choice

Does he usually go off in sulks like this?

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