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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tattoos - who is right?

66 replies

thetis · 17/12/2018 09:46

Last night my nearly-20 year old daughter was lying on the sofa in her pjs and didn't realise the top had ridden up, exposing a medium sized tattoo (a quote from a song) under her bust. My husband saw it and stormed out. I went upstairs and told him that I found out last year, but didn't tell him because he hates tattoos and I think it's her body and not our business. This morning he is still really angry, both with her and with me for not telling him. But this is why I didn't tell him!

OP posts:
ElainaElephant · 17/12/2018 12:25

This is a problem

No, it's not.

Her daughter is free to keep things secret if she chooses, and also to expect her mother to keep her secret, especially when she knows that her father is likely to behave in such a way.

It's the daughter's choice - not the mother's.

MarthaArthur · 17/12/2018 12:25

What a disgusting attitude of the ops husband and posters on here who think a 20 year old is your property if they live in your house. Sickening and bizarre. Also tattoos dont hide skin cancer. Another weird assumption. You can still see skin changes under tattoos. Im lucky. My df hates tattoos on women (old school i know) but he would never act like that and im covered in tattoos now. He just doesnt mention them.

stabulous · 17/12/2018 12:25

He's way out of order.

MulticolourMophead · 17/12/2018 12:29

I agree with erykahb, it's absolutely none of his business.

Fairenuff · 17/12/2018 12:31

You need to tell him to check his attitude. Who does he think he is?

DioVelazquez · 17/12/2018 12:46

I would feel strange about keeping secrets from my OH. I feel like I'd have to be REALLY worried about his reaction to even consider doing that. And that in itself is a problem, that you would be so worried abou this reaction that you wouldn't tell him.

MarthaArthur · 17/12/2018 12:49

Why would people feel its wrong to keep secrets from their oh? The daughter is an adult and is entitled to privacy. If she wanted to tell her mom about her periods or her breasts or someone shes slept wirh is she not entitled to her mom keeping that a secret? You think the mom should immediately go and tell her oh?

Notacluethisxmas · 17/12/2018 12:51

Working on the assumption you marriage is a good one.

He isn't bu to be annoyed you didn't tell him.

Hibu to have a go at her.

But there's been a few women on here thinking of leaving a partner over tattoos. So some people must have strong feelings

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 17/12/2018 12:52

Her body, nobody else's bloody business! She's an adult!

My personal rules and have suggested for the kids the same is no tattoos that are visible above the collar and below the cuffs of a shirt but that's so that all jobs in the future are open to them as you never know where life takes you and you don't want to end up in a situation where a tattoo stops you getting a dream career.
So basically not on hands,neck or face.

brizzledrizzle · 17/12/2018 12:52

It's none of his business if she chooses to get a tattoo. I really dislike tattoos but my daughter decided that she wanted to get one and that's her choice - I would have preferred that she didn't but it's her body not mine.

Fairylea · 17/12/2018 12:53

He’s behaving like a total idiot. She’s an adult.

DowntonCrabby · 17/12/2018 12:53

It’s none of his business.

It was also your DD’s news to share with him if she wishes, you had no obligation to tel him so YADNBU.

Notso · 17/12/2018 12:53

His reaction is a bit childish but how he feels about the tattoo is up to him, I'd be gutted if any of my kids got them. I wouldn't sulk though.
I would be really upset if DH kept something like this from me though and vice versa.

MyBreadIsEggy · 17/12/2018 12:54

Not his body, not his business.
She’s an adult.
I remember my dad flipping out when I got my first tattoo at 17 - and rightly so, I had it done illegally after all.
But then I got another and another, and he started seeing the artistic talent required to create a good tattoo and actually got 2 of his own after being so anti-tattoo his whole life.

ElainaElephant · 17/12/2018 12:54

I wonder if the people that tell their DH everything have DHs that don't listen because their wife falls into the stereotype of the woman that never shuts up Grin

'Oh there's this new guy at work, he's really cute. We were all saying in the office how we all would! I think he's gay though. Anyway, as a result I was a bit horny when I got home, so thought about him as I, well, you know. Hope you don't mind! How was your day darling?'

Rhiannon13 · 17/12/2018 12:56

If she paid for it herself it's none of his business but if money is short and she's not earning I can understand why he'd be annoyed.

If it's because he still sees her as a little girl and he's finally realised she isn't any more, he's just going to have to get used to the idea isn't he? It's vital that every human being knows it's 'my body, my rules', surely?

MagnificentSevenHeaven · 17/12/2018 12:58

Nothing wrong with him being disappointed.

Some people don't like tattoos.

At least she wasn't stupid enough to get one she can't hide.

sockunicorn · 17/12/2018 12:59

his body is none of her business however he shouldnt have been lied to about it.

differentnameforthis · 17/12/2018 13:07

Does he feel like he has some kind of ownership over her body, then?

It's not affecting him, it's her body, she is an adult.

because he hates tattoos Best he never gets one then. However, he cannot tell his adult daughter what to do.

And the fact that you
1] were reluctant to tell him because you feared this reaction (scared of it, even?)
and
2] ran off after him
are HUGE red flags.

InSightMars · 17/12/2018 13:09

Her body, her right as an adult to do as she wishes. That said, I don't like being put in a position whereby I'm expected to keep secrets from DH or anyone close that it's likely they will find out later and I get the backlash when they do. DD should have told dad at the same time she told mum, or not told mum either. He still wouldn't have been happy but by now he'd have gotten over it and he wouldn't now be questioning what else OP might be hiding from him.

moredoll · 17/12/2018 13:11

Does she still live with you? If yes, then you had an obligation to tell him once you knew. He is supporting her financially and she is making expensive choices he doesn’t agree with. He has been offering financial subsidy for a year without having all the relevant information.

Eh?

What she does with her body is nobody's business but hers. He doesn't own her, whether or not he's supporting her financially.

amusedbush · 17/12/2018 13:13

Tell him to get a fucking grip.

If he doesn't like tattoos then HE doesn't need to get one. I'm pretty covered in large, colourful tattoos and if anyone ever stormed out of a room at the sight of me I'd think they were unhinged.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2018 13:13

He has been offering financial subsidy for a year without having all the relevant information

That's creepy as fuck. So if she lives at home he gets to say what she does with her body with any disposable income she has, is it the same in your eyes for stay at home mums?

Op, the more concerning thing here is why both you and your daughter were scared to tell him.

Undercoverbanana · 17/12/2018 13:17

Good grief. How does he react to real problems?

He doesn’t have to like the tattoo (or tattoos in general), but having a hissy over something that is none of his business is just weird.

Insisting that you should share secrets?

Does he tell you both what to think? What to wear? Where you may, or may not, go?

Is this a cultural thing? It sounds very controlling and abusive to me.

Fairylea · 17/12/2018 13:18

Even if he’s supporting her financially he doesn’t get to say what she does with her own body! Confused How can anyone seriously even question that?!