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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to have alcohol in the house

45 replies

Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/12/2018 08:31

Context: I'm a recovering alcoholic, have been in AA for 10 years. I'm completely comfortable with being around people who are drinking in pubs, restaurants or at weddings, others' houses. It really doesn't affect me at all (unless they are so drunk that they become boring ....).

However, I don't have alcohol in my house. My household is, and has been for the last 21 years, DD 21 and me so nobody else is really affected. I'm not a massive dinner party/entertainer so my friends and I meet for coffee/drinks, they come round during the day - no problem.

A few days ago I cooked a meal for someone I've known for a few years and have been seeing for a few months. We've generally been out to eat, he's always had a couple of drinks and is fully aware of my history and of all the above. I was therefore quite surprised that he turned up for dinner with a full sized bottle of wine. I was surprised by my own reaction too. I did most of my drinking in this house and I suppose I must see it as an alcohol free zone.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I'm fine with being told that I am. I haven't mentioned this to anyone in RL. I know that plenty of friends in AA have partners who drink at home, but I've never been in that situation.

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 17/12/2018 08:35

Not unreasonable at all. You have an illness that you keep under control. You have recognised what you need and you are making it happen.

10 years in AA is amazing. Well done.

Sirzy · 17/12/2018 08:36

No yanbu. It’s not hard to not have a drink for one meal (for someone without alcohol issues obviously)

Well done for being dry for so long!

Cautionsharpblade · 17/12/2018 08:38

You’re not being unreasonable. It was at best ignorant of him to bring wine to your house, and at worst very bad manners. I wouldn’t take alcohol to a Muslim household or meat to a vegetarian household, and your home should be afforded the same respect. Perhaps because you are relaxed around drinking outside your home he didn’t see the issue.

Well done on your 10 years, I know it’s tough and admire everyone who does it.

caesio · 17/12/2018 08:41

If you were a non-drinking friend I would bring a bottle of wine round for me to drink with a meal as I wouldn't expect you to provide that as a non-drinker.

However a friend who knows your alcohol history should have thought it through and not brought one. So its more likely he was just being a tad thoughtless. Well done on being sober. You are well within your rights to enforce no alcohol in your house, just as I wouldn't let someone smoke in my house.

trulybadlydeeply · 17/12/2018 08:41

YANBU. Bringing alcohol into the home of someone who is a recovering alcoholic, without even checking with them first, is at best extremely thoughtless.

I think you may need to consider how potentially supportive he is going to be long term as a partner. If this was someone who didn't know your history, then fair enough, but this is someone who knows that you don't have alcohol in the house??

Just to add - 10 years is incredible, well done.

Original poster
Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/12/2018 08:47

Thank you so much for these replies. I've pondered on it over the weekend. To be fair, my expression obviously gave me away and he stored the unopened bottle in the boiler room until he went home. I suppose that I'm so far removed from the whole "take a bottle to someone's house" that it was a massive shock.

Oh and thank you for the nice comments but in the interests of full disclosure, I have had two relapses over the 10 years. You just get back on the programme and keep going, and a relapse can teach you something about yourself anyway. For anyone in recovery, 10 days or 10 years, it's a day at a time Smile

OP posts:
Cautionsharpblade · 17/12/2018 08:53

At least he realised his mistake straightaway and fixed it. Sounds like a keeper Smile

Well done on getting back on the programme, not everybody does

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 17/12/2018 09:08

Congratulations on 10 years. If your friend/DP has seen that you can manage in settings where other people are drinking alcohol, I can see why he would bring wine for him to drink. How lovely that he quickly realised that this wasn't something you felt okay with, and put the bottle to one side, to take home with him. I think that's really nice. Good luck with your new relationship

Pachyderm1 · 17/12/2018 09:48

YANBU, I would never bring wine to the house of a recovering alcoholic. He could have brought flowers / chocolate / nice soft drink / posh coffee etc instead.

Huggybear16 · 17/12/2018 10:01

Relapse is often a part of the recovery process. You have done so amazingly well, you should be so proud of yourself. YANBU to have an alcohol free house. You need to do what works for you.

Littlebluebird123 · 17/12/2018 10:07

I would imagine it was 'normal' behaviour for him to bring a bottle. A full size bottle is standard as a small one is perhaps not enough for one meal and ends up being more expensive.
As you have been ok while out and he's had a drink, he hasn't realised the alcohol free house situation.
It would be worth having a conversation about it as I don't think it was malicious but may or may not happen again.
I know that when my bil stopped drinking there were a number of things we had to think about which wouldn't have occurred to me. And my DH and I rarely drink. (For example, the fact that an alcohol free Christmas pudding needs a bit of looking for as they are out there but not as prominently placed. I'd never really thought about it as it's not a drink, which I know sounds stupid, but when you don't have to consider it, you don't.)

Original poster
Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/12/2018 10:51

Thank you all! I normally tell my sponsor everything but hadn't mentioned this until your replies; I've now spoken to her and she echoed what you've said.

My main issue was hating the idea of anyone feeling uncomfortable drinking around me. It isn't a problem but then nobody has drunk in my house for 10 years.

@Littlebluebird123 I do appreciate your post. In this instance, my friend and I had discussed at some length "how it works" so he was aware of the alcohol free house. It's an important part about me, sadly, so if I'm actually "seeing" someone for a while, it's only fair that I mention it and am happy to answer any questions. That doesn't mean I need to talk about it, but I'd want to be aware of any similar addiction that a potential partner had.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 17/12/2018 11:00

If you'd discussed with him the reasons you don't have alcohol in your house then it was thoughtless of him to bring it anyway

Original poster
Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/12/2018 11:12

@Shoxfordian I agree. However, I think that because I seem so "sober" and go to pubs quite happily, anyone I've met (outside AA ....) within the last 10 years doesn't know my history and probably doesn't think it's that big a deal. People who have had some connection in the past with an alcoholic tend to either be understanding or run a mile!!

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/12/2018 11:20

Well done OP! My DM is a recovering alcoholic and she doesn't have alcohol in the house and whenever she comes to visit, we remove all alcohol in the house.

They should never have brought alcohol knowing you're a recovering alcoholic, completely out of order.

YANBU

easyandy101 · 17/12/2018 11:20

yanbu but nor was your pal in their assumption

Knittink · 17/12/2018 11:23

If they are used to you being ok around drinkers, it probably didn't occur to them that it would be any different in your house. But YANBU of course.

Dimsumlosesum · 17/12/2018 11:25

OP, I'm in the process of this. If you told him you don't have alcohol in the house, and he brought alcohol to your house, he's out of order. Hopefully he will respect your wishes and not doit again.

Littlebluebird123 · 17/12/2018 11:29

@lobsterquadrille2

Ah, I think that changes things a little. As you've discussed it, it's pretty insensitive at best to have brought it. :(

Like I said, with my bil, we've had quite a few discussions about how to be supportive and we don't have alcohol in view. Easier for us as we don't drink much anyway.

I wonder if this guy might be one of those who always has a drink and may not be willing to adapt. So bringing a bottle was his way of getting what he wanted knowing you were a dry house. That, unfortunately, doesn't bode well for a relationship. :(

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2018 11:32

Yeah but he does know your history so it was insensitive. It's also not any fun in my opinion to be the only one drinking, I wouldn't bring alcohol to someone who didn't drink

Original poster
Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/12/2018 11:34

@Littlebluebird123 you have put into words exactly what I have been thinking. Thank you for that and it's lovely that you are being so considerate with your BIL. Actually alcohol at other people's houses or indeed anywhere else doesn't trouble me in the least - just this one place.

Sorry if this seems like an overreaction to something quite minor - I was startled by my own reaction!

OP posts:
howabout · 17/12/2018 11:40

YANBU

I am not a recovering alcoholic but rarely drink and have a DH who cannot drink due to a medical condition. I find it really weird and insensitive that most visitors to our home feel the need to bring a bottle which they know we won't drink. I also have very little wish to sit having dinner with someone working their way through a bottle with its related effects while I am sober. - a glass with dinner in a restaurant is a bit different.

todayiwin · 17/12/2018 11:46

A day at a time. Well done OP. I know the 12 steps well Thanks

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/12/2018 11:47

@Lobsterquadrille2 - it's not minor at all. Anyone who has ever been or lived with an alcoholic will understand how major it is.

Your friend should have been much more understanding and thoughtful especially because he knew your situation. You didn't over react at all.

You've done incredibly well and you've done a very very difficult thing.

Original poster
Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/12/2018 11:51

I'm actually quite emotional at how lovely you have all been. I post on MN quite a lot on this subject and I do appreciate that alcoholics are seen as being a real liability; selfish and manipulative and devoid of responsibility. And I'm sure that many are. Thank you all Thanks.

OP posts:
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