Not to have alcohol in the house

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Context: I'm a recovering alcoholic, have been in AA for 10 years. I'm completely comfortable with being around people who are drinking in pubs, restaurants or at weddings, others' houses. It really doesn't affect me at all (unless they are so drunk that they become boring ....).

However, I don't have alcohol in my house. My household is, and has been for the last 21 years, DD 21 and me so nobody else is really affected. I'm not a massive dinner party/entertainer so my friends and I meet for coffee/drinks, they come round during the day - no problem.

A few days ago I cooked a meal for someone I've known for a few years and have been seeing for a few months. We've generally been out to eat, he's always had a couple of drinks and is fully aware of my history and of all the above. I was therefore quite surprised that he turned up for dinner with a full sized bottle of wine. I was surprised by my own reaction too. I did most of my drinking in this house and I suppose I must see it as an alcohol free zone.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I'm fine with being told that I am. I haven't mentioned this to anyone in RL. I know that plenty of friends in AA have partners who drink at home, but I've never been in that situation.

@lobsterquadrille2

I don't think it's a minor thing. I'm a bit sad for you really as it is hard work.

My bil has now been sober for 11 years. We definitely struggled at the beginning if I'm honest as when he was drunk he was very abusive, particularly towards my mil and completely unrepentant (when sober) about the effect it had. And then when he began to get help he wanted only praise but it was hard to trust him due to the abuse we'd seen and he'd given to DH. (For the first few years of my relationship with DH he was too drunk to realise we'd even met.)

But he's done so well and as a family we've grown with him and realised the struggles and how to be supportive. I can understand why people struggle to be sympathetic but unless you've seen the good and the bad you can't understand the struggle and the great blessing of being sober.

I hope that you are able to continue your sober journey and that this doesn't give you a blip.

and I do appreciate that alcoholics are seen as being a real liability; selfish and manipulative and devoid of responsibility. And I'm sure that many are

My mother certainly is. She doesn't respect that I am doing my best to get out of my alcohol cycle, brings over her own wine, and takes the piss out of me when I won't drink at hers. It's why I don't see her much any more,sadly. Good for you to sticking to your guns - I'm aiming to be like you :)

I think YANBU at all! And well done on your recovery, that takes huge strength.

However I wouldn't hold it against your guest - I think they just made a genuine mistake. I'd feel awful not bringing a bottle if I was a guest at a friend's house - it's almost in-built in me! I think they were thoughtless as they knew your history, but clearly they see you as just 'you' and not 'an alcoholic in recovery'.

Well done again :)

YANBU. It's not like your insisting thousands of people visit for 5 days over christmas and no one has a drink. If he can't go for one meal without a drink he can always offer to take you out for a meal.

Yanbu, DH is a recovering alcoholic, we don't keep alcohol in the house and I gave up drinking alcohol well over a year ago, it's funny how seeing what alcohol does to people can put you right off it!

Definitely yanbu, of course not! Your house your rules hun .

But had you explained this explicitly to your guest? It sounds like he is used to being with you in other places where he drinks alcohol and you don't mind, and he hadn't realised that you regard your home to be different and the rules there to be different?

Yanbu at all. Your home is your sanctuary, where you can relax. It must be tough to keep going with sobriety when out and about, in restaurants etc, and so going home should be a place of safety and peace from that stress. It's inconsiderate at best to breach that sanctuary when he knew you wouldn't be happy with that.

Congratulations on the 10 years by the way, I'm always in awe of people who manage to battle these kinds of challenges.

YANBU. Bringing alcohol into the home of someone who is a recovering alcoholic, without even checking with them first, is at best extremely thoughtless.

Not just thoughtless - very selfish too. I wouldn't bring a bottle for any non drinking friend.

Congrats on making 10 years!

@CollyWombles seeing what alcohol does to people can put you right off it!

Really true! I know it's a much lesser example, but my party-animal friend got a job in a night club because she thought it'd be 'so fun'.

After 6 months of shifts she's now tee-total. I think seeing the drunk dancing, cleaning up the sick, being verbally abused and groped by customers, she thought nope, I don't want to look like that. Sorry OP, slight diversion there!

@bibbitybobbityyhat yes, I had definitely explained explicitly. We have spoken at length about it. I never expect a non-alcoholic to understand completely, and that's fine. I don't understand gambling but do appreciate that it's a massive issue for others.

@Littlebluebird123 well, that's very different from how I was but 11 years is very good going! I was the other way - when actively drinking and then having sober weeks/months, I was full of guilt and remorse and thought that I was the worst person in the world. DD said that I would throw myself into over compensation mode, cleaning everything in sight, giving more to charity, working harder .... it was joining AA and meeting others who were like me that made the difference. Even now, I feel that I should be punished and it's subconscious. I wouldn't put the heating on at all until DD came back from university, I poked my fiancé with a metaphorical pointy stick until he had to choice but to cancel the wedding.

There's a line in the AA promises: "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

I do!!!

Sorry if this seems like an overreaction to something quite minor - I was startled by my own reaction!

I don't think it is an overreaction at all. Your sobriety is important. Hopefully your friend understands your position now and won't make the same mistake again.

I have namechanged for this. I was thinking about starting my own thread but have no idea what I want to say, or rather how to say it.

In the main I visited my GP last week as I am suffering with a bad stomach. I have been drinking way too much for years. I think I have damaged my liver and have ascites. I need to stop - NOW. I have to attend for bloods on Thursday and GP has sent off for liver scan, which i wont have an apt until the new year.

GP has given me a number to call for support. I don't know what to say to them. It's very difficult, and emotional, to admit such a big thing. Can anyone tell me what to expect from DASPA please?

Also I have family coming for Christmas. Help me not drink over Christmas please. What non alcoholic drinks do you choose? I don't want to go down the route of non alcoholic wines as I don't want to substitute alcohol with something that looks and tastes like alcohol.

Thank you in advance

@Scaredandashamed firstly, you are brave to go to the GP, to post and to recognise that you have a problem so well done (non patronisingly!) for all that. Seriously the first step is admitting that you have a problem, or as we say that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.

My advice would be to get to an AA meeting today. You can google meetings, put in your post code and there will be one near you. It's recommended that newcomers do 90 meetings in 90 days, which is great in theory but if (for example) you work full time and are a sole parent with no backup, not always possible.

What you could do right now is call the AA helpline number: 0800 9177 650. It's staffed by people with at least a year of sobriety, who will have been just where you are right now.

The liver has a remarkable ability to heal itself IF you give up alcohol. Remember Prometheus being chained to a rock and the eagle who pecked his liver put every day, and it grew again? Those Greeks knew a lot!

I go for Diet Coke or water with lime juice. I've never tried non alcoholic wine but I never actually enjoyed the taste of alcohol - I actively hated it - it was all for the effects.

I'd recommend having an escape route from wherever you are going over Christmas, and ideally your own escape route that doesn't involve anyone else. Are you able to confide in anyone that you'll be with? Having someone else aware of an issue like this and who is understanding can be very helpful. for you and the very best of luck.

Lobster. Thank you. It's good to talk to someone who has been there and understands.

I have the telephone number for DASPA, from GP. I am about to call them. I was hoping someone would be able to tell me something about them. E.g. whether they hold group sessions or one to one. I have admitted my problem to my GP. I am not ready to announce to my family, especially at Christmas.

I have told DP. His reply, "Oh well just go easy. I'm sure a few drinks over Christmas won't hurt". I don't have the strength to drum it into him at this moment. I'm in pain and very scared.

You have obviously attended AA. Are all their meetings group meetings? Do you have to go every day for 90 days? Did you find it helpful? Obviously you have been dry for 10 years - fantastic! Was it all through AA that you succeeded?

Sorry for a the questions. I really appreciate your support

@Scaredandashamed absolutely no problem at all. I'm replying briefly because I have to go out now and do not want you to think I'm ignoring you. I understand how very vulnerable you must be feeling and that is why support is so essential for you at this early stage. I'll PM you when I get back and you can ask me anything at all about AA and my drinking. I'm not familiar with the organisation you mention - is this alcohol specific?

Anyway the first few days are "white knuckle" days if you've been a daily drinker but it does get so much easier. I promise!!

Will PM late afternoon/early evening. Remember you are not alone. In my Saturday morning meeting at 8.30, there are often 50 of us.

@Scaredandashamed ah, I have just quickly googled DASPA. It appears to be a drugs and alcohol helpline for Wales, which explains why I haven't heard of it!

Thank you lobster. I have just rung them. They will be referring me to drink wise age well?? I should have my first apt before the weekend.

I'd love to speak to you about your experiences with AA. Can I pm you this evening please?

@Scaredandashamed please do PM me whenever you like. Step 12 is passing the message on to other alcoholics so you are helping me with my programme by doing so - it's a two way street!

@Scaredandashamed hope you are hanging in there. I've PMed you - apologies; later than intended.

OP sorry if you think I'm harsh but I would take that as a sign to stop seeing him

lacking either the consideration or emotional intelligence required for a good partner, in my humble opinion.